1.26.2005

Anticipate

It's this constant cycle of creation and destruction that goes on for eternity. But it's ok, because only the finite is destroyed and the infinite preserved because this is all just physical. My roommate and I started getting existential today with the theory of evolution and the big bang theory and stuff. He says that our current big bang is just one of many, and that at the end, when the universe stops expanding it will reset itself and everything will start over again. My theory is that the universe is a force, maybe conscious, and that that force is divine, and that the big bangs are like yawns or something, and really it's not god but that's the name we've given it so we might as well stick with it. So who is god? We are god. We, collectively, form this consciousness on a higher level and that is the god of our dreams. This god is powered from the Source, or the Universe--the Divine All that runs throughout every living thing. So are there other worlds out there, with life that's similar to ours? Maybe not similar---but not completely different either. Or maybe we're completely alone in this universe, and maybe everything that we do, even if it's remembered in the history of Earth, will never ever matter because the universe will just reset itself and new Earths will form in the new universe with new humans. But maybe something will remain--if not written records, than artifacts: cds, laptops, lightbulbs. Whatever. But this made me think----no matter how big I get as a filmmaker, no matter how many novels I write, no matter how many degrees I get, no one but the people in this universe will know that---will remember me. And speaking as someone who seeks a little recognition (not mega-amounts, but a little), that's a scary thought.


But you know, we never brought talk of the afterlife into this. What if the afterlife, the summerland, the whateveryouwanttocallit, exists outside our universe---maybe floating just outside the gates or maybe in its own universe that won't reset? So even if this Universe does reset, we won't, because our souls will remain in the afterlife. But what happens to those who are in earthly incarnations when the universe does reset? Where do their souls go? Are they lost? Do they remain to be the first souls born into the new universe? Do they become something else entirely? What happens? And this force, this Divine All--did it create the afterlife too, so that we can live on in some respect?


I don't know the answers to any of this. It's all speculation. And if we're going to refer to age in relation to the amount of big bangs there have been, then I'm not that old of a soul either---only 74 incarnations. That fits into this Earth's lifetime (and maybe other planets as well).

1.21.2005

Watch Siberia

One who knows nothing can understand nothing.



The Earth is angry. She's gathering her strength for the great shaking. We have upset her. She has slept. She will rise, like it or not. This isn't the end. This is the beginning. This world is changing and our habits need to change with it. Our very survival--the survival of our species, the survival of other species, our brothers and sisters, the survival of the planet and the survival of our legacy depend on it. Something's coming, and She's angry.



When the Goddess speaks through me, I have no choice but to let Her.




1.20.2005

Up Up Up Up Up Up

I'm mad enough to scream right now. I really hate being treated like a wild animal who can't control her impulses and needs her friends to save her from herself. I can control my impulses. I don't always choose to, but that doesn't mean I'm not capable of it. It's the same way my dad treats me, the way counselors and teachers treat me. I'm sick of it. I'm human. I'm not governed by my emotions. I listen to my emotions, I realize when I shouldn't do something because I'm tired/angry/whatever, and I don't ignore what my heart tells me but I do not let my emotions govern my actions or behavior. I also don't let my stomach govern my eating habits. If I did that, I wouldn't be able to be anorexic, now would I?


I don't need to be saved from myself. If I ask you to help me, be glad that I've dropped my pride long enough to do so. Don't assume that when I don't ask for help it means I need it but can't ask. I will ask if I really think I need help. I don't care if you want my food. Tell me, and I'll let you have it. I don't care if you think that I shouldn't have the food I want. Tell me, and maybe I'll take your advice. But don't take physical action before verbal. Don't act like I need to be physically restrained. That betrays what little trust I have with you. And yes---'little' trust. I don't trust anyone. If I trust you enough to feel safe with you--a feeling I have with maybe two other people, if that--then don't fuck up that trust. Talk to me like an adult. It's more than anyone else does.