Hikari

I think all my integrity died.

It has, actually, and I just discovered the reason why yesterday (yesterday being at one am Sunday morning).

Up until 8am HST July 1st, 2005, there was ONE being in my life who actually made me WANT to be a better person, because in her total forgiving innocence, she loved me when I was beyond being lovable, and when I was a complete asshole. This made me feel guilty in a good way, and in that guilt, I didn't want to hurt her anymore. So I tried. I made an effort to better myself, an effort to be a good person. And it worked. I was getting steadily better. Still really fucked up, but getting there. Slowly working on it. Working on turning all my senseless rage into righteous anger, and getting past the STAB.

And then she was gone, just like that, and I wasn't even around to say good bye. I still feel shitty about that, and I have lost all desire to be a better person.

I've also lost the ability to fall in love with other people. I think this is because when she was around to love me, I could allow myself to love others as deeply as I did because everything would be alright as long as she was there. I would always have her, even if I didn't have others. So I could allow myself to fall in love. But now I don't have her anymore, I don't have that assurance that someday things will be better and until then, I have my beautiful BlueSky to keep me straight and honest. I can't fall in love anymore, because I can't allow myself to. And that scares me, because I don't know if I will ever heal enough to allow myself that again. I don't know if I'll ever have another who did the same for me as Blue did.

And of course I'm just realizing all this now. I can't say these thousand words to her because she's not here.

And because I don't want anyone to see me cry because I think it's a sign of weakness (only with myself--I don't see others as weak if they cry), I sit alone in my car and play music to make me weep. And I do weep. Usually I have to change my shirt afterwards because it's soaked through with my tears.

It's my only medication now. That and surrounding myself with people so I won't have a single quiet moment. Because in every quiet moment that comes, I think about Blue. And I feel the wound as sharply as I did two and a half months ago. So I have to either find alone-time when no one can walk in on me so I can cry it all out, again and again and again with no end in sight, or I need to wallow in a social life or in video games or anything else that gets me to stop thinking.

I need to stop thinking.

No. I need to grieve. But I can't grieve in the way I need to, because I have to pay the bills. So I need to pretend like everything's fine. And I succeed, until it hits me like a bullet and I gasp for breath.

And if you think I'm overreacting, you lose your firstborn child and tell me that. Because that's what Blue was to me. She was my daughter. She was with me for 13 of my 19 years. That's a long-ass fucking time. I don't think I'll ever completely heal.

Cause a thousand words...call out through the ages...they'll fly to you...even though I can't see, I know they're reaching you...suspended on silver wings...oh a thousand words...one thousand embraces...will cradle you...making all of your weary days seem far away...they'll hold you forever

Yeah. Those were a thousand words I couldn't say, babe. And I regret it with every breath.

Ohne Dich

Philosophy from Greece

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece, Socrates (469 - 399 BC) was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates . "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued."You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really ..."

"Well," concluded Socrates ,"if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

Light and Shadow

I want to crawl into a trash can and drag myself down to the curb and maybe things will be better in the morning.

Conquest of Paradise

Have you ever wanted something so bad the very thought of not having it makes you want to throw up? I think that would pretty accurately describe my mental/physical state right now. Except I'll be vomiting a lot because I can't have what I want.

And the 80s health teacher inside each and every one of you is dying to say, "No, stop being so negative--of course you can have what you want! You're a person! You deserve it!"

No, I CAN'T. Because what I want so badly right now is to travel back in time to the Late Pre-Classic or Classical period of the Mayan society and live out the rest of my life as a priestess back then...before that land was so brutally destroyed.

Now tell me I can have it.

This desire is always there. It's just particularly strong when I've been studying Mayan history for the better part of two hours.

Thank Goddess For New Zealand

Or at least their pizza.

Official Note from Hell
We, the management of Hell, have not previously endorsed or known about this particular establishment's advertising methods. Now that we are aware, we do fully support and endorse all their endeavors and any such to follow. The topic of this advertisement has, indeed, been part of Hell's Mission Statement for quite some time, especially in regards to Mr. Bush. As for where Mr. Bush and other such bastards will go when they pass from Earth, we are currently working out creating another plane of existence, owned by Hell and operated by Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, whenever he chooses to give up his position as Waste-lock. (At such time as said plane is created, Hell will be able to ease up on our space issues by shipping bastards from the past to their new 'living' quarters.)
Thank you for your time,
-Jezebel Antichrist,
Head of the World Domination Department and
Chair for the Demon Housing Project

Not Angry Anymore

HOPEISNOWHERE
QUICK! What does it say above?

Bnudaldehk So Tajudeuh

E's mucehk so vyedr eh risyhedo uha bancuh yd y desa. Vnus ZG Nufmehk (fruca haqd puug, E bnateld, femm pa Harry Potter and the Podiatrist's Sandals) du so vydran (dryhgc tyt, E muja ryjehk du fung vuin zupc) du kut.

Oac, kut ec bynd uv risyhedo.

N.E.B. TISPMATUNA
Hedfed, uttsahd, pmippan, dfayg
????--2005

If you're not totally confused, you play too many video games.

Don't translate it if you don't want HP6 spoilers. (Though whomever (who? whom? I still haven't learned the difference) hasn't read it at this point is a LUUZER.)