Things I'm Grateful for, 2010: Epic Sororomance

Sororomance: a relationship between two women that parallels the male "bromance". From "soror", sister. 

This year was the year Jvana and I really got close. We got close before, in 2009 -- the Summer of Kicking Ass -- but I didn't really let her in as close as I have now. She has now seen me at my worst -- and I do mean my very very worst -- and she stared at that and didn't flinch. She committed to that moment, and to me.

I have never been so close with anyone. I can share anything with Jvana. I can trust her with anything. She doesn't chip away at my armor like other "friends" do. She helps rebuild it and support it.

And she's smart. So smart. And funny. She makes me laugh so hard. Especially when we're sitting in our theatre final.

I honestly don't know what I'd do if I didn't have Jvana in my life. She makes me strive to be a better person. Because of her, I've made a conscious effort to be more positive in my life -- and it's made a huge change.

She is the Helo to my Starbuck. I'm sure the gods sent her to me.

The Detangling of Yarn

I just spent half an hour detangling some seriously knotted yarn.

Yarn detangling isn't boring; it's just tedious. It's interesting to note just how tangled your yarn is, and wonder at how you got it to be so tangled - but that interest wanes quickly, and then you detangle your yarn while thinking I don't know how I got myself into this mess but I promise, I will never ever be so stupid again.

And it must be done. Whether you do it today, put it off for months, or chip away at it a little bit at a time, your yarn has to be detangled and stress-free, or you can't really make good knits. Making good knits is key to a happy life, I find. When my yarn is tangled, I am unhappy.

Why do it now, you ask, checking the timestamp on this post. Why not wait until a reasonable hour to detangle your yarn? 

Because, I reply. I need this yarn for a particular project. Without this yarn, I cannot advance, I cannot make this a good knit, I cannot start on other projects until this one is done, so I cannot form good knits with other yarns. This yarn is my focus right now, and I want to finish this project. So I do it now, and do not let myself procrastinate on such an important issue.

No, I don't want to detangle my yarn. Like I said, it's tedious, and sometimes downright upsetting. But I must, to have a happy life. So -- sometimes by myself, sometimes with a little help from my friends -- I sit down and begin to pluck away at the threads, feeling something inside me loosen with each knot I undo.

Gentle Snores

My boyfriend is sleeping beside me. Well, almost asleep. Tomorrow afternoon (by which I mean, today, but I haven't actually slept yet) I go home, and don't come back until the 22nd.

And I am lying when I title the blog entry "Gentle Snores". They sound like a walrus wielding a chainsaw to cut through bagpipes.

Regardless. I am very happy right now. Within a day of coming here my back stopped hurting. It's twinging a bit right now, but that may be from excessive use of muscles to the point of utter exhaustion, the stretching no longer being a good thing. I sleep well over here. I am relaxed. I feel...comfortable with being who I am. I can sit around upstairs in sweats and a loose t-shirt, ugly socks on my feet, and chat with my boyfriend's mom about whatever, and not feel like I need to stand on ceremony.

She is already like a second mom to me. Not that anyone could ever be my mom, nor would I want that. But. I can totally see her becoming my mom-in-law at some point. And I can see myself being happy about that.

I have never felt this way about a lover or partner before. Yes, I'm in love, but I almost don't want to call it that. I've called my feelings for other people love so many times, when, in retrospect, it really wasn't....not if this is love. So it's like the word has been cheapened. I admit it -- I'm a love-slut. I use the word too liberally.

He does not. I've said I love you countless times. He doesn't like using it, because he feels it gets used too often. We've talked about this (ages ago) and we're both okay with each other's stance -- so long as he doesn't expect me to stop saying it and I don't expect him to say it any time soon, or often, we're good. And this is the first time I've been okay with this. 

Because I just know. I know that he feels that about me, that our feelings for each other are mutual. He doesn't need to verbally express it because he's already expressed it in other ways.

Tonight was the first night I heard him refer to me as his girlfriend to a third person in conversation. It's probably happened before, but tonight was the first time I heard it. It gave me this giddy little thrill: I'm his girlfriend. I can't think of anything that would make me happier right now.

I can't count the ways I love him. There are too many, and I've never been good at math. I just can say that I do, in a way that I've never loved anyone else before -- it's not grander or more romantic or epic or glamorous. It's real and human and honest and stable. And honesty is much better than romance, any day. Because when he does or says something sweet, I know it's honest because he's never dishonest. Which is how I know he loves me.


Yeah, I'm being sappy in this post. Y'all can frackin' deal with seeing the softer side of Starbuck. She may have never said it, but I'm sure this is how she felt for Sam. Cause, damn, if he ain't my Sam.

-K


PS Pretty sure I aced my final. It was super easy; I was stressing over NOTHING.

PPS Couldn't keep my hair blonde. It's red and green and blonde now. XP

If it's not one thing...

Well, you know how to finish that sentence.

My SAD is better. My sciatica is not. Which makes homework and studying singularly difficult, as I must do it at a desk or in front of a computer, and sitting = most pain ever, at the moment.

Also, I have a final today. From 1 to 4pm. Brrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuhhhhhhhh.

Whatever. Trying to concentrate on the positive. Going to Vancouver tonight to see boyfriend and go to Burlesque XXX-Mas party tomorrow...he's dressing up as Santa. Rawr. Coming back on Saturday; maybe auditioning for local burlesque troupe on Sunday ("Hi I have sciatica and am probably bipolar with next to no dance skills, but fuck I'm sexy and funny and I have over twenty years theatre experience so you should totally have me in your troupe!" is my pitch). Then just one more final, on the 16th.

Also working on getting packed up and out of here...I'm moving into my own place on Jan. 1st. Where, I don't know, except it's going to be in town here. I'm still working on getting a place.

And in that vein of talking, I may be giving up my cat. My current roommates have offered to take her off my hands, and I may take up that offer. She's lovely, and I love her, but she needs a lot of attention. Which...I can't really give. Not now. At least if I give her to them I know she'll be loved and taken care of by good people who like cats. Can't ask for much more than that, and I just really want her to be happy.

So things are moving on, ever forwards, and I'm even getting some work done, though sitting, as I said, is super painful. Life could be a bit better, but it could also be a hell of a lot worse, and the fact that it's not is one hell of a thing to be grateful for.

I'm going to go empty the dishwasher now.