you can sleep when you're dead

SLEEP THERAPIST DR. RUBIN NAIMAN EXPLAINS THE TRUE CAUSES OF SLEEP DISORDERS, CAFFEINE CRAVINGS AND SLEEP HORMONE IMBALANCES
By Dani Veracity
News Target
Monday, January 16, 2006

http://www.newstarget.com/016768.html

Seventy-six percent of Americans are lacking something right now. No, it's
not the latest fad fashion, electronic device or even money in the bank.
It's sleep. Thomas Edison invented the light bulb so that people could work
at night, and there are now 25 million night shift workers in U.S.-occupied
territory. Thanks to the light bulb and the later invention of television,
sleep quantity (per person) has decreased by about 20 percent since 1900.
Furthermore, 76 percent of Americans have a sleeping disorder at least a few
days per week, contributing to our society's epidemic of daytime sleepiness,
depression and adrenal fatigue, sleep therapist Dr. Rubin Naiman said in his
November lecture at the 2005 Complementary and Alternative Medicine
Conference (CAMCON) in Tucson, Ariz.

Modern Western society doesn't comply with our natural biorhythms. Humans
are built to nap, according to Dr. Naiman. When we override our natural
desire for midday rest, the conflict carries over to sleep disturbances at
night. Furthermore, similar to the problem of our junk food-laden diets,
we're overfed yet undernourished when it comes to light. During the day, we
receive dampened light from fluorescent bulbs rather than the vitamin D-rich
sunlight that our bodies need. Then, during the night when we need the dark
to trigger essential melatonin production, excessive light at night (LAN)
erodes our "lunar consciousness" and throws our body rhythms out of balance.
In short, we have too much light when we don't need it (at night) and too
little when we do (during the day).

Melatonin, a neurochemical released from the pineal gland, is as essential
to the human body today as it was during our evolution. Accordingly, Dr.
Naiman talks in great detail about this product of serotonin, even looking
back into the ancient Greco-Roman perspective of it and sleep in general.

From a purely biological standpoint, melatonin, which is produced during
absence of light, communicates the fact that it is night to our bodies,
triggering the release of GABA, our bodies' natural tranquilizer. LAN
suppresses melatonin production, hindering this entire process and setting
the stage for a phenomenon many of us know all too well: Daytime sleepiness.

Even though we're tired during the day, rest is somewhat of a taboo topic in
modern society. We tend to associate it with laziness and, as Dr. Naiman
points out, "When we rest, we experience the opportunistic emergence of our
shadow issues." In other words, resting often gives us time to think about
everything we'd rather forget, which is one of the reasons why many people
don't like to rest. It's the common "I-don't-have-time-to-think" phenomenon.
Unfortunately, as adrenal fatigue expert Dr. James Wilson explains in his
November lecture at the 2005 First Arizona Choices Exposition in Tucson,
Ariz., "Our lifestyles have changed, but our bodies haven't." We may not
like to rest, or perhaps have time for it, but our bodies still desire it.

In fact, napping can provide amazing health benefits. It lowers diastolic
blood pressure, improves mood, improves work and school performance (bosses
and educators take note) and helps readjust our nighttime sleep patterns
back to the way our ancestors slept before the Industrial Age and, according
to some experts, the way our bodies were designed to sleep at night.
Historian A. Roger Ekirch of the Virginia Polytechnic Institute found that,
before the Industrial Age changed everything, people slept in two phases:
"First sleep," a period of being awake shortly after midnight, and "second
sleep."

Using this historical data as his guide, National Institute of Mental Health
(NIMH) psychiatrist Dr. Thomas A. Wehr set out to learn if the human body
would revert back to this segmented sleep pattern, given natural,
pre-Industrial conditions. In Dr. Wehr's study, 15 healthy adults were
prohibited from using any artificial light from dusk to dawn and given 14
hours (6 p.m. to 8 a.m.) for sleep. They slept 11 hours each the first few
nights to presumably catch up on lost sleep, but then eventually settled
into a pattern beginning with a few hours of nighttime rest.

This nighttime rest is "an essential bridge to night consciousness,"
according to Dr. Naiman. We have to slow down before we can fall asleep and
experience hypnagogia, a sleep-onset dream. Unfortunately, many of us don't
take the time to pursue nighttime rest for psychological and sociological
reasons.

After a few hours of nighttime rest, Dr. Wehr's volunteers then fell into
REM asleep for three to five hours ("first sleep") before awakening. During
REM sleep, the brain is as active as when it is awake. Due to this alertness
without daytime constraints, regularly awakening from REM sleep is
significant in itself, as it allows people to remember and reflect on their
dreams in a semiconscious state, according to Dr. Wehr. In fact, he
attributes modern society's disconnection with dreams, myths and fantasies
to our lack of midnight reflection.

Following this hour or so of quiet time, the volunteers then slept for about
four more hours before finally awakening. In conclusion, the NIMH study
reinforced Ekirch's historical data, making it seem likely that the human
body would naturally like to sleep as it did before artificial lighting, and
that waking up midway through the night is innate, rather than a disease
meant to be treated with sleeping pills.

Given that most of us are not getting the quality or quantity of sleep our
bodies require, and that our schedules often don't allow time for naps, what
are we supposed to do about our daytime sleepiness? Many of us turn to
high-glycemic carbohydrates like white flour or refined sugar as the answer,
putting our bodies at risk for obesity and type 2 diabetes. We also mask our
sleepiness with caffeine, making it what Dr. Naiman calls the "fuel of
industrialized culture."

Three hundred million cups of coffee are consumed in the United States each
day and it is the second-most commonly traded commodity in the world.
Unfortunately, our misguided "solution" to daytime sleepiness only adds to
the sleep disorders we experience at night, as caffeine's half-life is 7.5
hours, meaning that you still have half the amount of caffeine in your
bloodstream more than seven hours after you drink or eat a caffeinated
product. No wonder we can't fall asleep at night, or even get a "good
night's sleep" when we do.

Lack of sleep eventually leads to fatigue, which is much more serious than
everyday drowsiness. By Dr. Naiman's definition, fatigue is a "sustained
state of exhaustion, a lack of physical or mental energy." As you might
imagine, fatigue is all too common today, accounting for 10 million
outpatient physician visits in the United States per year, mostly associated
with depression. Ironically, Big Pharma's answers to depression, SSRI drugs,
actually worsen the sleep-related problems they were designed to relieve.
Pharmaceuticals like Prozac cause reduced REM latency, which actually
promotes depression, Dr. Naiman explains.

The real solution to fatigue is easy enough: Make time to rest. Taking a
break from time to time doesn't mean that you're lazy; it means that you
want to be healthy. Plus, keep in mind that attaining healthy sleep will
actually increase your overall productivity and your enjoyment of life.

The above is proof that being tired is not laziness--it's an indicator of an unhealthy lifestyle.

Right now it's 4am and I'm up, in flourescent light, doing stuff when I should be sleeping so I can call bill collectors early in the morning. Living example of the above. And the living dead.

breastfeeding bothers conservative america

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15720339/ MSNBC.com Woman kicked off plane for breast-feeding Files complaint saying she was being discreet, airline disagrees The Associated Press Updated: 2:07 p.m. HT Nov 16, 2006 BURLINGTON, Vt. - A woman who claims she was kicked off an airplane because she was breast-feeding her baby has filed a complaint against two airlines, her attorney said. Emily Gillette, 27, of Santa Fe, N.M., filed the complaint with the Vermont Human Rights Commission late last week against Delta Air Lines and Freedom Airlines, said her attorney, Elizabeth Boepple. Freedom was operating the Delta flight between Burlington and New York City. Gillette said she was discreetly breast-feeding her 22-month-old daughter on Oct. 13 as their flight prepared to leave Burlington International Airport. She said she was seated by the window in the next-to-last row, her husband was seated between her and the aisle and no part of her breast was showing. A flight attendant tried to hand her a blanket and told her to cover up, Gillette said. She declined, telling the flight attendant she had a legal right to breast-feed her baby. Moments later, a Delta ticket agent approached and said the flight attendant had asked that the family be removed from the flight, Gillette said. She said she didn't want to make a scene and complied. "It embarrassed me. That was my first reaction, which is a weird reaction for doing something so good for a child," Gillette said Monday. A Freedom spokesman said Gillette was asked to leave the flight after she declined the blanket. "A breast-feeding mother is perfectly acceptable on an aircraft, providing she is feeding the child in a discreet way," that doesn't bother others, said Paul Skellon, spokesman for Phoenix-based Freedom. "She was asked to use a blanket just to provide a little more discretion, she was given a blanket, and she refused to use it, and that's all I know." A complaint against two airlines was filed with the Vermont Human Rights Commission, although Executive Director Robert Appel said he was barred by state law from confirming the complaint. He said state law allows a mother to breast-feed in public. The Vermont Human Rights Commission investigates complaints and determines whether discrimination may have occurred. The parties to a complaint are given six months to reach a settlement. If none is reached, the commission then decides whether to go to court. A complainant can file a separate suit in state court at any time. © 2006 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This sounds rather ridiculous to me. First off, it's a legal right for a woman to feed her child, whether in public or private, regardless of it bothering anyone. Second off, if it bothers anyone those people should be killed right now, because they obviously don't appreciate the gift of life their mothers gave them in birthing them and then breast-feeding them. Unless they're the non-breastfed type. Which would explain this sort of psychotic, anti-social reaction.

love is the answer

rereading entries whilst deleting them has made me re-realize how deeply i feel for blue...and how attached i was to her. and that may explain my clinginess with my boyfriend....emotionally, he's just blue's replacement.

i'm really fucked up.

remember, remember

so today is november 5th and the full moon, as well as my friend's 'expecting' date. i find it to be full of good omen...a remembrance of pagan traditions (burning man) as well as a celebration of revolution against tyranny. of course, i live in a place where it is illegal to set off fireworks on any day except new years or july fourth, so i will have to make due with a small beach fire tonight. because that's not illegal.

it's actually quite fitting...with the celtic new years just past, and the re-evolution that this day symbolizes, my plan to do a fire in which i burn all the negative things i don't want in my life, in order to make room for the positive things i do want. maybe a purely selfish way to spend such a day, but if i don't start with myself where should i start? besides, i could use more energy to do the things that are not selfish.

or perhaps just the strength of will to refuse the things i know i should--ie social life and fun--in order to do what's important--ie homework, writing, and activism. but it again boils down to that question of what's more important: personal happiness and a willful ignorance, or impassioned activism and absolute self-misery. they are both important--it's finding the ever-escaping-me gay psychic, it's achieving balance. it's having enough energy to do so.

and i find that i don't. and i end up swinging mostly to personal happiness, because it really is near-impossible to say no to my boyfriend. i'm not saying he's a bad influence--indeed, personal happiness can be a good thing to focus on if you're used to pushing it aside to make everyone else comfortable--i'm just saying i'm having trouble controlling myself.

and my emotions. i haven't taken my pills because mostly i don't need them, but then i have these wild mood swings every week or so, and they always catch me by surprise. so i take the pills and feel dulled down but not any happier. sr doesn't work as well as xl did for me. so i desperately try to stay happy, to stay afloat, at all costs, because i am happy. i am. this is not denial. i've just fallien into a 'used-to-it' happy that allows me to become upset at other things. the novelty has worn off; i've fallen back into old habits.

i feel too much, but the alternative is too scary. pure logic is pure evil. emotions dictate morals. that is why psychopaths are so scary.

but i do want to tone it down. to feel as much as i do but not show as much as i do.

i am tired of being a heart-on-my-sleeve girl.

hence this ceremony. hence the need for a change.

hence so much.

lit cigarette ends

Sometimes I really wish I could step away from it all. We're overstimulated, as a population. I would spend my time writing in a little hobbit hole somewhere north enough to be small-town but not uninhabitable and occasionally use the internet cafe down the street to check my mail and update a blog or two.

But then I get distracted and can't seem to reduce the clutter in my life because it all demands so much of my attention and where did I put my red sharpie?

Somehow my thoughts leap to the page, unedited, and I can't seem to stop the flow that pulses forward like my blood.

Today's lifestyle has cut into the vein of our existence. We're slowly dying. There is a lot of blood in this entire species, of course. It won't be as quick as with one human. 8 pints X 7 bil.

Moore was right. We're all getting ADD. We can't focus on one thing long enough to get it completed right because we're constantly multitasking. My leg shakes constantly just to keep me going--if I sat still I wouldn't be able to concentrate.

As it is my typing has gone steadily downhill in the past years, from 45 wpm to about 20 if that--that's including deleting to fix typos.

There's just too much.

And I just want to finish my book, and read, and lie in bed on Saturday mornings, philosophizing or maybe just sleeping with Travis, and go to the beach on weekends, and finish school, and maybe get some exercise, and eat right.

But the constant glare of flourescent lights and the shine of the screen make me sick to my stomach and head all day, and the air conditioning makes my breathing funny, and by the end of the day or sometimes 15 minutes into it my eyes are too tired and I walk blind, and I end up sitting for hours without food and by the time it occurs to me to eat I'm too hungry to wait for anything worth eating to cook so I grab a piece of pizza from last night and chow down without heating before retreating into the little cave of technology I inhabit.

Or I go to Kihei and hang out in the gaming center of the respiratory problems and the freezing cold, because I enjoy the company immensely. And I drive home in the dead of morning, very tired and blasting rock to keep myself awake.

I end up sleeping until the after noon, wasting most of the daylight hours on dreams and tossing and turning and occasionally falling out of bed, because a single is way too small for two generously-sized people.

And I feel like I can never find the time to do all that I want or need to do, that I can never find the energy to complete my projects or to keep a steady job.

I find myself shifting my concerns to my own happiness and not really caring who I hurt in that process--isn't it my turn?

And that is selfish of me, because I was put on this planet to do good for others.

But I can't help myself.

And I drop priorities to others and forgot to call others or email them for months at a time, and it's not that I don't care it's just that there's too damn much.

And there are so many expectations that I could just throw up.

So I say fuck it and go back to bed.

voting

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber." -Plato

I have a few friends who didn't vote--either because they refused to on grounds of principle, or because they were too damn lazy to register and/or get to the polls.

Then we go to see movies like V together and they get all "Well, I hope that the future isn't like that!" and we immediately go home to sit on our butts and play Kingdom Hearts or read fantasy or play online video games or somesuch student distraction.

Meanwhile, out of the 20 or so people on campus who actually know we have a school newspaper, not even half read the damn thing because they won't listen to student voices.

Said student voices get discouraged...and go back to playing video games.

This isn't about voting, though that subject is included here.

This is about caring enough to make an effort.

I'm not saying voting will make a difference, when we live in a world where electronic voting makes stealing elections so much easier. I don't even think it does.

But I vote, and will continue to vote, because it is one of the few ways I can attempt to revive Democracy from where it fell, slain with the Bush Admin's totalitarian agenda.

You can deny it all you want, you can deny that they would ever try to do that. They're doing it already, and when it comes down you'll be dazed by what hit you.

What no one sees is the connection.

In V, they didn't see it coming until it was too late.

Most people now don't see it coming.

I can see possible futures stretch in front of my mind's eye, coming to conclusions with ease fostered by years of reading and writing science fiction.

One example--the Peace King Tunnel, proposed by Rev. Moon (whose right-wing religious group OWNS the Washington Times) and supported by Neil Bush, brother to the president, is completed. As the Unification Church grows in power and influence, people of different religious and sexual persuasions go into hiding as best they can. But when you have to hide from your own spouse, who is chosen for you by the leader of the new world order, where can you go? What can you do? Under Rev. Moon's "Godism", the world falls to "unity" and sexual freedom and democracy disappear.

I am vaguely reminded of The Handmaid's Tale--except there was considerably more freedom for lesbians in that proposed future.

This guy is fucking crazy, and I think because of that we underestimate him.

Sure, call me a Kasandra, if it helps you sleep at night. I'm not saying you have to be paranoid--I'm talking about being aware, and wary. Whenever something new comes up you have to think of all the possible effects it could have on the world.

The trouble is, we don't. We play god and don't think of the repercussions. We don't listen to the wisdom of our ancestors, elders, or our youth. "La la la, agriculture is so hard! Let's make it easier by making plants into GMOs! It helps the plants too so we can feel like we have altruistic reasons for it."

If Nature feels like a plant needs to be changed, She'll change it.

And if She feels we need to go for the good of the various systems on Earth, She'll wipe us out too and not think twice about it.

You can believe whatever you want with regards to the level of consciousness Gaia has but you can't deny that we're killing her.

But then again, the Bush Administration has said that Global Warming doesn't exist--and if Bush says it, it must be true, right?

What we must realize is that we--homo sapiens rapiens--are an infinite, and therefore expendable, resource. The Earth is not. It's easy to make more people. Building a new Earth would be very difficult (and has only been accomplished in Science-Fiction stories). Nature knows this too. She's called Mother Nature for a reason--and we are not Her cubs. If need be, She'll kill us to protect Her children.

Frankly, I welcome it. If we can't change enough to solve this problem, then I totally support the complete annihilation of our species. If it is the only option.

I don't believe it is. I believe we can change. But I think those changes must be huge, and will require amazing sacrifices on our part. It's time to quit being selfish humans and to start doing our job--protecting the planet.

I'm sure many people would agree that we have to protect the planet, but that we have to protect it from outside forces, never ourselves. WE are the enemy. WE are the ones we have been waiting for. We are both sides of the same coin--destroyer and guardian of the Earth. It's all about choice.

The time has come. What will you choose?

vagabond

Hawaii still sucks.

I'm sure it was cool back when the Hawaiians were in charge, but now it's become like every other used-to-be-indigenous land in the States--unloved and uncared for. Don't ask for sovereignty unless you're willing to a) give up everything the white man brought and b) take care of your freaking aina. Yeah, no more Mecca Wal-mart, no more SUVs or Hummers, and sure--no more diseases, but no more medical care. Nope, you have to go back to canoes and loincloths. That's what sovereignty should mean.

And, of course, I will get lynched for saying this, because of my skin color. If I were browner it would be fine for me to say something like this, but because of my heritage I'm being an "ignorant racist cracker".

I'm not racist, but I do see what's going on, and yes, I do make generalizations based on what people tend to do. White people nowadays have an almost guilty air about them (the decent ones anyway--I'm not including the KKK in this generalization), as if they need to make up for what their ancestors did. So they fling themselves into Greenpeace and Maui Peace Action and cultures that don't belong to them, trying to make up for the mistakes of our past by holding on to what we almost destroyed, while indigenous people embrace the culture of the very people that raped, pillaged, and took whatever they had. And we continue to take it--white people are just that---white until written on. We're ambiguously European--we lack any real culture. Just a melting pot of everything else. So we latch onto whatever else we can find. A lot of kids here in Hawaii choose Japanese culture. I've chosen Mayan. And then we try to keep the traditions of our "chosen culture" alive in order to make up for the thousands of cultures we've destroyed.

Most of the hippies---the ones who have rejected taker capitalist culture--in Paia are white, whereas when I go to Wal-mart I see that 70% of the customers there are local. What's wrong with this picture? You ask for sovereignty, but if given back your land what would you do with it? I walk past your house and see ten dead cars on the lawn which has no green on it whatsoever and a brand-new SUV in the garage with flowerpots that grow dirt and cigarette butts, and I'm supposed to support your cry for sovereignty? I sit at school and I watch almost all the students throw their recycling in the trash, and I'm supposed to believe you care that damn much?

Sure--hate me for being white, for saying what you don't want to hear, for seeing the goddamn truth--hate me for all these things. But in the end, who's caring for the aina? You or me?

When you can answer that satisfactorily, then you will have true sovereignty--because that's what it is. Taking care of your land. That's what a [good] sovereign did. That's what we need to do.

v-clipse

V for Vendetta completely eclipsed anything else that may have ever been important. My entire life is now bound to that movie, to that idea, to that concept--to the memory of V.

No movie I have ever seen even comes close to measuring up to V. It filled me with hope--something I avoid feeling--for humanity, that maybe we'll survive. Maybe the impending doom of totalitarianism will not crush our spirits, wink out our flames, one by one by one by one.

It was set in England but speaks so clearly of what could happen to America in the very near future. There were scenes that sent chills down my spine for the very present truth shown in them.

And Hugo Weaving is such an amazing actor that I could sense his facial expressions even though all you see of him is a mask.

I will go back to see it again and and again and again and again until I run out of money, and then then when it is out I will need it so fiercely, so wholly, that I would not be complete without it.

I would sell my soul for this film.

Phantom restored my faith in filmmaking. V restored my faith.

fat can be fit

One of my big pet peeves...scratch that. Not a pet peeve. Something that irritates the fuck out of me is this new 'obesity epidemic'. Let's pity fat people because it's a disease, but they're still worthless human beings because they can't control it. That's like blaming someone who has hereditary cancer because it's "her own fault".

I'm so mad I could spit, so I'm not going to be coherent if I rant on this. Instead, read the article below by Courtney E. Martin to see exactly what I mean.

America is allegedly in the midst of an obesity epidemic, but our obsession with weight is the real disease.

If you watch any mainstream news, you know that apparently America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic. Fear-producing news segments feature footage of overweight men and women, cut off at the heads like criminals, lumbering along the streets in Anytown, U.S.A. Ads with skinny women touting weight loss miracles as they look disdainfully at old pictures of their fatter, sadder selves run on a continuous loop on daytime television.

The scare tactics are working. Americans continue to pump billions, and blood, sweat, and tears into their "body projects," convinced that if they are fat, they are doomed.

Conflating fat with sickness is a dangerous delusion. The truth about fat, reinforced recently by a $419 million federal study involving 49,000 women, is that it does not automatically indicate unhealthiness. Many thin people, who don't exercise or eat balanced diets, are at a greater risk for disease than those with some extra padding who work out and eat relatively right. Your health can only be improved by movement and moderation. That's it. The study, published in the Journal of the American Medical Association last month, concludes that low-fat diets do not, despite all of the hype, reduce a woman's risk of cancer or heart disease.

Being fat is not equivalent to being unfit. In fact, being underweight actually kills over 30,000 Americans a year. Equating weight loss, instead of lifestyle changes, with improved health is "like saying 'whiter teeth produced by the elimination of smoking reduces the incidence of lung cancer,'" argues J. Eric Oliver, author of Fat Politics: The Real Story Behind America's Obesity Epidemic. Even a group of CDC researchers admit that "evidence that weight loss improves survival is limited."

So why do highly educated, media-savvy Americans continue to buy into the idea that the thinner one is, the healthier and happier one is? The mammoth diet industry, not to mention the exercise, beauty, fashion, and cosmetic surgery industries, certainly has something to do with it. In America, alone, we spend $40 billion annually on diet products, even though diets prove to be ineffective 95 percent of the time. Not only is our stupidity disturbing -- those stakes wouldn't even lure the drunkest of Vegas gamblers -- but the implications are foreboding.

There is a slippery slope from dieting to disease, as the 7 million girls and women suffering from eating disorders in this country will attest. Thirty-five percent of those who diet go on to yo-yo diet, dragging their bodies through a cycle of weight gains and losses far more unhealthy than just being overweight; 25 percent of those who diet develop partial or full syndrome eating disorders. Mindfulness advocate Susan Albers writes: "The dieting mindset is akin to taking a knife and cutting the connection that is your body's only line of communication with your head." There is little hope for long-term health improvement with this vital line severed.

Cut off from our ability to listen to our authentic hungers, we ride a roller coaster of marketed cravings and emotional upheaval -- overeating, then guiltily undereating, then overeating again. But unlike brief and thrilling amusement park adventures, we can't seem to get off the ride. The explosion of coverage on "the obesity epidemic," though well-intentioned, has not served as the emergency break nutritionists and doctors so hoped it would. Instead, the sensational news spots on the dangers of obesity have often fed misperceptions about the direct link between fat and unhealthiness, or worse, fat and unworthiness.

Hyperbolic reportage on the expanding waistlines of America's children, in particular, has created a damaging hysteria. Fat camps are flooded with applicants who are solidly within their recommended body weight. In 1995, 34 percent of high school-aged girls in the U.S. thought they were overweight. Today, 90 percent do. And those who really are fat, and yes, there are many, are subjected to increasing scrutiny and scolding. The fat kid in school, once the butt of mean jokes, is now the target of a societal assault. A recent survey of parents found that 1 in 10 would abort a child if they found out that he or she had a genetic tendency to be fat.

We are being brainwashed by sensationalistic news segments and the 250 ads we see a day that tell us, not only that fat is unhealthy, but a sign of weak character. In a recent poll by Ellegirl magazine of 10,000 readers, 30 percent said they would rather be thin than healthy. Over half the young women between the ages of 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat, and two-thirds surveyed would rather be mean or stupid. The single group of teenagers most likely to consider or attempt suicide is girls who worry that they are overweight.

The messages are coming in loud and clear, and they are riddled with disempowering dichotomies -- all or nothing, feast or famine, disgustingly fat or virtuously thin, deeply flawed or triumphantly perfect. There is no talk of what Buddhists describe as "the middle path," no discussion of the pleasure of walking, eating homemade food, slowing down. There is no permission to say "no" sometimes and "yes" sometimes, and have those no's and yeses be simple answers, insignificant scores on a Scrabble board, representative of nothing more than a mood. Instead our yeses and no's signify our desirability, our life expectancy, our self-worth.

It is not fat itself that is unhealthy, but our hypocritical attitudes and compulsive behaviors that are. We drive two blocks to the grocery store and then spend 20 minutes circling the parking lot so we can get a close spot. Once inside we load up our carts with low-fat, microwave meals and diet shakes filled with artificial everything. In the checkout line, we read about the latest fitness trend in Men's Health or Self, then get back into our cars, drive the two blocks home, and sit in front of the television all night eating Pizza Hut while drinking a liter of Diet Coke. We go to bed late, wake up early, head to work -- in our cars, of course -- where we will spend the next eight hours stationary and bored. Rinse. Repeat.

We don't need expensive, genetically engineered foods or state-of-the-art exercise equipment. We don't need fancy doctors or pharmaceutical drugs. We don't need the latest diet craze book or even the latest medical study -- they all seem to contradict each other anyway. We don't even need Herculean willpower.

We just need to leave our cars in the garage, stroll down to the park, and play some softball with our neighbors on a Saturday. We just need to enjoy every last bite of our home-baked birthday cakes, then have some oatmeal for breakfast the next morning. We need to resist the pressure to overwork and underenjoy. If we want to live long, healthy, happy lives, then we need to stop believing the hype. We need to rediscover our own wise instincts that know far more about well-being than a whole country of experts.

Source: AlterNet

greeks

This is my reply to an imdb.com thread about the movie Alexander, and said leader's sexual orientation. Most of the replies on the thread were along the lines of "OMFG he's a fanny-bandit gross!" or "I won't believe that such a great leader was a FAG!" or some sort of middle in-between. It made my head hurt. So....read on and enjoy.




Wow, all the bigotry is making my brain develop a tumor, much like my cellphone does. [Thanks to all the intelligent replies, however, in particular, FBforshort and Darth Maligna.]

Now, although I know that this subject has been beaten to death and then some, I just love arguing for the sake of argument, so now I shall...on a topic that hasn't been hit with a baseball bat.

Alexander is only considered 'great' because history is written by the winners in any situation--in world history, this happened to be Patriarchy, with a capital P. If history were written by women, or even egalitarian rule (*shocked!gasp*), it would no doubt praise Alexander's leading capability, but go on to question just why military victories and conquering other peoples is a good thing in the first place. He paved the way for the Roman Empire---oh, good, so he made it even more possible for people to be killed and then assimilated by yet another Empire in search of power, for the Celtic warrior peoples to eventually be defeated, and for the decline and fall of Paganism to Christianity, which eventually led to the Burning Times/Women's Holocaust. Wonderful.

The issue here is not Alexander's sexual orientation, which was Greek, if anything---the issue here is that men are always portrayed as the 'Lords of the Universe' and that stories about ancient times rarely focus on women, because the rulers of the world have buried those stories. Amazons become myth, most high school students don't know who Sappho is, and the Goddesses of Pagan times are demonized--Lilith, to name one--or turned into male gods--Janua Coeli, who became Janus (and now, if you look up her name, it lists her as the 'wife of Janus')--or turned into male saints--Juno Augusta, for example. Alexander was portrayed as a great leader, which he may or may have not been, depending on your viewpoint--but his mother, who was obviously a supplicant to the Minoan Serpent Mother Goddess, is demonized in the movie and not even mentioned in the history books. [By the way, kudos to Angelina Jolie for being so wonderful and gorgeous.] And all of Alexander's "I've taken you farther than my father ever dreamed" lines? Sure, he did. He surpassed his father's dreams. So where did he get the ambition from? His mom, obviously. His mom is the one who groomed him to rule, who made sure he did. And she gets treated like crap. In Troy, where was Kasandra? Neither seen nor mentioned. The strongest woman character in that movie was Andromache, and if you've read The Firebrand by Marion Zimmer Bradley, you know what a travesty that is. In all the King Arthur stories, Morgan le Fey is demonized, and Merlin exalted. Why? Because Merlin is male. And Morgan le Fey is a human incarnation of the Celtic War Goddess Morrigan. No, we can't have any strong female deities, now can we? That would threaten our precious and rather fragile manhood. In the history books, Queen Boudicca is seen as crazy bitch, and Medea is always portrayed that way. Medusa? Angry Bitch #19823982. Never mind her right to be angry.

Frankly, I could care less about Alexander's sexuality. While it's always nice to see guys kiss, and it chalks one up for the gay community (of which I'm a member, I may add), he was a strong leader whether or not he was gay or bi or pan. The point is that these movies and these stories put women 'in their place'--in the shadows, or demonized if they're given a front row place. The only Goddess mentioned is Aphrodite, who was by no means the strongest of them.

Someday, we'll live in a world where it will please people of all walks of life to see a lovely love story on screen, regardless the characters' genders and sexual orientations, and where people aren't bigots because they recognize that it takes all kinds to make a world.

Beat.

*bursts out laughing* Wow, I'm funny. Go me.

I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

I'm not okay.

I fake it till I make it; I smile and I wave and I am that lovable bitch that everyone wants to hang out with for some fucking unfathomable reason. I cook and I clean. I do the laundry. I read books. I post to my blog like a good girl. I write essays that spark controversy and I write prose that few believe I wrote. I surpass what I am every day in every creative endeavor. I dress like a girl and I wear make-up and I make sure I look my best (as good as I want to look being my best). I leave the hair-dye in too long and I sing too loud and off key and inside I'm screaming....

I don't sleep and I drink coffee and I eat badly; I go to my counselor's after getting into a good mood. I punch the wall in the shower so I won't kill someone. I take alcohol and pain-killers in the hope of killing my liver or some other vital inner part of myself, hoping it will die with the voices. The voices don't go away. Inadequate. Ugly. Stupid. Selfish. Greedy. Loud. Bitchy. Imperfect. Lazy. Cold. Heartless. Worthless. The words drill into my brain, bouncing in my echo chamber, reminding me of what I don't want to see and what I don't want to remember. I know it's there and I know I'm not perfect and I know and I know, but I cannot accept it--I do not want to accept it. I do not want to and I can not accept that I am human because I have such high standards of my own behavior and when I fail I find reason to hate myself even more and it starts a cycle over and over and over again.

I wear my emotions on my sleeve; I can't guard myself for shit. I'll keep on getting hurt because I fucking ask for it.

If this is what you want, then fire at will. I'm open. How much more can you wound my heart? It died long ago; I don't think there's a beat left in it. Just hit me again and again and again until I bleed--is this what you want? Is this what you want me for? A punching bag for your issues? Is this my lot in life?

Abuse me, if you think there's any worth in beating a dead horse.

revtwentytwotwenty

And I keep driving and driving and driving till I can no more till the gas runs out till the headlights hit what I don't want to see and my dashboard is my altar and my stereo is my screambox and no one will hear me all locked up in my moonbeam of mealtimes of soulfeeding of lost and wondering and I hope they never find me because of course they can't swim.

There are games I play in my head to keep me entertained to keep the voices at bay to keep them from saying what I shouldn't hear why does it hurt so much?

They're sucking at me, sucking at my life force drinking my blood and sucking me dry and these are games that my vampires play and I think I might be enjoying it now.

Transylvanian concubine. I know what flows there like wine.

Orwellian

This is my final essay for history class. I don't expect anyone will read it; I'm just trying to fill up my blog with random and senseless posts. However, if you like it and wish to cite it (somehow I doubt this) give credit where it is due, or I'll hurt you.

Totalitarianism and Economic Disparity in Modern America

Totalitarianism is a modern version of absolutist monarchial rule. It has arisen in fascist and communist states, and has been feared in the minds and hearts of American citizens, and probably the rest of the Western world. However, America has become the very type of empire which it feared for so long. How well do post-9/11 events in America match the earmarks of totalitarianism?

Pretty damn well. The Patriot Act, disguised as a way to 'keep us safe from the terrorists', has taken away our civil liberties, kicking them out the door before they've had their morning coffee. It's a sad thing to see in a country that was founded on dissent and terrorism—America has been a grand experiment in democracy since its conception. Unfortunately, Aristotle was right: Democracy, even in its highest form, is perverted.

Not only the Patriot Act is something to be worried about—other decisions and bills have made America into a fascist state. The Padilla decision vested complete power over the American population—including citizens—in the president. Jose Padilla was arrested and held in prison without a charge for over three-and-a-half years before someone brought the question before the Supreme Court of 'whether or not we can do this'. The decision of the Supreme Court was that citizens can be arrested and put in prison 'at the President's pleasure.' There is a similar practice in Canada and Britain: one can be held in contempt of court "at her majesty's pleasure", but one must be charged first and is only held for twenty-four hours. Jose Padilla is, as far as I know, still in jail without a reason.

Bush's regime is fascist—the blending of corporate and political power into one scary entity. However, one of the scarier facets of Bush's regime is the stacking of the Supreme Court with severe right-wingers. We may be able to get rid of Bush and take our nation back (a hope that many still entertain), but we'll never get rid of these guys. Supreme Court justices will be in power until they retire or die—and as Bush is choosing young Fundamentalist Christo-Fascists, we're going to have less-than-liberal decisions coming out of that court for the next fifty to sixty years. That tyranny will last the lifetime of my generation.

Other practices, such as renditions, torture, and secret prisons, have been in practice in America for over twenty years by the CIA and other such organizations. This is nothing new, except that now we know about it.

Bush's alliance with Halliburton and other oil companies as well as the Carlyle Group gives him complete rule over our source of energy and our media and information technology. Our communications are monitored, what we see as news is controlled, and songs like "Walk Like An Egyptian" or "New York, New York" are banned from radio stations owned by Clear Channel. Al Gore has figured out that the way to get the country back is to start his own television station—which he has done. It can be seen on the internet, the last standing place to get information.

Glorification of war is another hallmark of totalitarianism—or at least fascism. The War in Iraq has been called the 'fight between good and evil' and many soldiers think of it as a 'war for Jesus'. What better way to glorify war than to say it's either Us or Them (thank you, Mussolini)? It stirs patriotism (fancy word for nationalism) in even the most anarchic of our citizens, and adds to a drive to support the war effort. This pushes the gap between rich and poor open wider: rampant warmongering leads to rampant consumerism, and drives people to buy things to prove their patriotism. As well, you don't see rich people's kids going off to war. There is a belief in this society that rich people are inherently better than poor people, simply because of the economic disparity. We're obsessed with celebrities and want to be like them; everything is about the almighty dollar; everything we do is to 'make it big'. The intelligent person forced into mindless work because of a lack of funds for higher training brings a gun to work because he just can't take it anymore; the bright student mocked for her abilities because of her appearance or background shows her classmates what real pain is when she finally snaps and finds grandpa's arsenal. If one isn't rich or pretty, one isn't worth it.

In totalitarianism, war is a constant state—in 1984, Oceania was either at war with Eastasia or Eurasia and allied with the other. Bush has refused to give an exit date for Iraq, and the Army is having trouble finding recruits. The possibility of a draft looms on the horizon. In reality, this war is the same war we've been locked into for a century. World War I didn't solve anything and led to World War II. World War II, in turn, solved some problems but created others, leading to the Cold War. Then, because of our fear of the soviets, the CIA trained people in Afghanistan to fight off Russia—those trainees of ours became the Al-Qaeda, which is now terrorizing our nation. American citizens are banging their heads against a wall—or they would be, if they were informed of any of this (or had you as a teacher). We're going around in circles—these wars (this war) solve nothing, and just create more conflict, misery and waste.

Bush obviously subscribes to the idea of the Divine Right of Presidents—he believes that "God told him to invade Iraq". Alliance with religion is another warning bell—though not necessarily a hallmark of Orwellian societies. The "God made me do it" reason is an excuse, a justification, of his need for revenge on Saddam for trying to kill his daddy and his need to control the oil in the world. Of course, this is all conjecture—Bush could be just a puppet, ruled by his seconds-in-command, who are the real world leaders. I frankly don't know what's scarier.

Marx said that economic disparity [thru class struggle] drives history. What is driving the war in Iraq? The gap between the haves and have-nots? Or the looming end of easy oil and ridiculous consumption by only 5 per cent of the world's population—us? Victory in Iraq means a monopoly over Middle-Eastern oil for a country that consumes too much.

Economic disparity has always driven the survival of human beings—in the dawn of our race, 'economy' meant 'food source'. Difference in food source led to wars and migrations on the part of our ancestors; as economies and money-systems developed disparity there drove the events in human history. Marx held that all politics were class struggle arising out of economic disparity. I don't think he could have foreseen the advent of globalism, best described by the phrase "think globally, act locally" Globalism is taking hold in the thoughts of many people today. Never before have we heard a cry to not be a "have" nation, to back off from "progress" and consumption. For example, in China workers are rioting because the policies of their country are ruining the ecosystem. They want to go back to more sustainable agriculture. Marx never would have imagined that. The "haves" and the "have-nots" want the same thing: demonstators at the World Trade Organization Summit wanted a sustainable ecosystem as well.

Currently, economic disparity is driving totalitarianism in this state. Money talks, and it seems that all the rich people are the conservative right-wingers. The richest people, of course, do not want to give up what they have—today's landed aristocracy wants to keep the status quo.

The gap between the haves and the have-nots, both within the US and among nations, is large and dangerous, and drives the glorification of war. Army recruiters target poor areas, because the appeal of a group that will pay one's way through college is great when one is on welfare or otherwise mired in poverty. In the Iraq War, already more than two thousand of these kids didn't live to use their college education, because they died in senseless war before their tour was up. In Iraq, 'insurgents' are really just mad about the theft of their oil, government, country, and way of life. The need for Fascist America to police the world has ripped away what they held sacred, impoverished them, and driven their need to drive us out. Just as the world did nothing when Hitler invaded Poland, so the world is doing nothing when Bush invades Iraq. So far the War in Iraq has cost 226 billion American dollars—funds that could have been used to get everyone off welfare, to fund finding an alternative to oil, to fund the educational system so teachers don't live hand-to-mouth and kids get a good grounding in not only world politics but also sexual relations, or to give every American healthcare. Instead, the government is more concerned with keeping us cowed with either fear or patriotism and giving healthcare to Iraqis. (Not that I don't think they shouldn't get it—but I do think that we need to start at home.)

Keeping us cowed with fear and patriotism drives our need to consume—when you watch television, that's all it is: fear and consumption, fear and consumption, in an endless cycle. "Killer bees attack; go buy duct tape." No wonder Wal-mart is so big—our very media, the ones who are supposed to bring us the truth, do nothing but fuel our desire to spend. And by spending, we are funding the war effort and the ones who keep this country under an iron thumb of Christo-Fascist b.s. $226 billion is the wedding ring that holds together the sacred fascist union of government and big business—in which government is the bitch. Except that this wife doesn't cook and clean up after her husband—she lets him do what he pleases to her household, destroying the environment with his dirty laundry and leaving bottles of toxic waste around the living room of the world. His depleted uranium is left to poison the children of tomorrow, and the wife goes and plays bridge with her friends, ignoring her children's cry for help. Doctor Mom has become Doctor Kevorkian. The American Empire needs euthanasia.

What many don't realize is that even if we do get a complete monopoly on oil in the world, our way of life is coming to an end. If we stop consuming as much as we do—I'm talking a ninety per cent decrease by 2030—it will be a gentler end than the alternative. If we don't cut back consumption, our society will collapse into total chaos.

Totalitarianism and economic disparity go hand in hand in today's world, fueling a warmongering state and a gap between haves and have-nots. Class struggle is as big an issue today as it was a century ago—with not as clearly defined classes. Today's landed aristocracy—or corporate big-wigs and conservative rich families—want to keep the status quo, and the impoverished 'left' do what we can to stop that. Like it or not, the status quo has to change—and while their god may come with a rapture option, mine doesn't. If we're going to do something, it must be done quickly, before we're living in Orwell's Airstrip One or Huxley's Brave New World, and it's too late to change anything. The time is now.

subterrania

All of this Past

Oh sweet dear merciful Goddess, You who nations form for, hear the cry of one of Your supplicants. Help me to be a healer in times of need, a shining light for my sisters and brothers in anguish, a beacon in this hell called earth, something to hold on when all else feels null. Help my problems to become insignificant, help me to rise above my ego into my higher self. Help me to keep myself to myself, to become that which all marvel at for her calm in the uttermost catastrophe. Only a few shall see the truth; only a few to who I will show myself.

Rev 22:20

Oh voluptuous gorgeous Goddess, You who carnal desires are realized for, hear the plea of Your daughter. Awaken the You within me; help me to be a vertible sex goddess in my everyday life. Help me to show my divine sensuality in every move, every step, every breath. Help me to be a light of raw passionate sexuality in a bleak world of suppressed and not allowed, help me to cleanse warriors of war, a modern vestal virgin in service to You. Help me to find that which heals, that which pulses from the root chakra in cleansing spirals upward, help me to be an agent of Your pure, divine sexual healing.

Judith

Oh all-knowing, all-seeing Goddess, You who great epics are written for, hear the thought of one of Your scholars. Help me to be a vertible store of knowledge. Help my mind to quiet, to be still, and receptive to Your knowledge. Help me to be able to retain that which I know I have a knack for, help my studies to become clear to me. Help me through the next years of schooling I have ahead of me, and help me to carry on in Your name. Help me live to the full potential of my intelligence.

Death Dealer's Descent

Oh powerful blood-thirsty warrior Goddess, You who wars are fought for, hear the plea of a knight in Your service. Help me to be a warrior for you, to bring your name to the forefront, and to smite down religious intolerance where it rears its ugly head. Help me to be a help to the lonely, the unwanted, the scapegoats, the feared and the hated. Help me to help those who are beyond help. Those that society rejected because of 'difference', those that cannot find love. Let me be a warrior to change the world to accept those that are different--let me join Your army of truth-seekers as we fight to undo the wrongs that have been done; as we fight to make the world friendly to all regardless all differences that separate us. Let those differences unite us as a human family. Let us rejoice in them, as we rejoice in our similarities. Let us remember that we are brothers and sisters, and that we once spoke a common language: a language of love.

Weak and Powerless

To the Lonely Generation, as this is what I am calling my generation: I know you are angry, I know you are alone, and I know you want change. I know you have given up. We have been told that we'll never do anything of worth, but when we come up with any sort of idea we are not listened to. We retreat into castles built of black paint and blaring music, into our walls of superficiality and shallow behavior so we won't feel the hurt that comes when we're told our thoughts don't matter. We retreat and are hated for it; we come out to fight and are booed off the battlefield. Those who run our world won't listen and think that we are of no worth; when we accept this and stop caring, we are looked down upon for our apathy. There seems to be no end to this cycle.

Awakening

We need to stand and take our world now. The time is now. The adults keep on saying We are the ones we have been waiting for--I think that applies to us more than anyone else. The time of the last generation to rule is reaching its end--soon it will be our turn. What are we going to do? Are we going to drift in apathy until Oh, shit, we're in charge aren't we? What the fuck are we supposed to do? Or are we going to start something now--start building the leadership skills we'll need in order to save humanity?

Falling Through The Sky

Because it is up to us. It is up to the Lonely Generation to use that anger we hold deep inside to get up and save humanity, and the world. Fossil fuels are running out and our society will collapse without a source of power so abundant and effortless. We have to reduce our consumption and put our brilliant young minds together to find a solution. We have to reduce our population size, and if celibacy is the answer, then so be it. We have the strength--we must use it. And we must not fear using it. We must come together in peace and tolerance, putting aside our arguments and grudges in order to come up with a plan to fix our world.

Because it's the only one we've got. And I don't know about your god, but mine doesn't have a rapture option.

All circuits are NOT busy

The telephone computer lady lies to me. I shall find her in the small hours of the night and put a bat up her night dress.

Happy Sinterklaas Day, by the by. Today is Dutch christmas, when Sinterklaas comes around on a horse with his 'elf' (read:slave), Black Pete, and puts gifts in children's wooden shoes that they leave by the hearth. But as Black Pete is in charge of putting the gifts into the shoes, he fucks up and five-year-olds get mommy and daddy's 'love snacks' (like Belgian chocolate body paint). At least, this would happen were Holland not home of the uber-conservative Protestants. At any rate, this is Holland's traditional winter celebration--a way to blame the black guy, once again. I don't know where it stems from; maybe I'll do some research and write a paper on it. When I was young my parents and I celebrated it, as well as Hanukkah and Christmas...so I got 3 chances at presents.

Another winter holiday we celebrated but one that did not gain me any gifts was the Winter Solstice, or Yule, as I call it now. There is a huge fire festival on the 21st of December on Granville Island, where I used to live, in Vancouver, Canada. It is more a form of performance and mixed media art than an actual Pagan festival (Vancouver is an art hub), and all the big city heathens come and join in the festivities. One of the most fun parts about it, especially for the creatively inclined, is the lanterns you can make in the weeks leading up to the 21st. There are classes at the various studios at Granville Island where each person makes a lantern of their
own design, and at the festival everyone who's done so has a lit-up lantern. The afternoon is brightly lit (it gets dark /really/ early this time of year in Vancouver) with gorgeous tissue-paper lanterns. The festival itself is a combination of fire-dancing and fire-works---really quite a spectacular show---as well as communion with one's fellow Vancouverites.

Vancouver is home of the fire festivals--aside from the Solstice, the Symphony of Fire happens annually---sponsored by a cigarette company, but no one complains because it is a gorgeous event one doesn't want to miss. It's several nights of fireworks that can be seen from various places in the city, put to music. Different countries are represented each night. To hear the music one can listen on the radio or go to the official watching place (which is horrendously expensive, so most people don't). We had a perfect view from the apartment building where we used
to live. Usually we'd get together with the neighbors down the hall and watch the show together. Sometimes we'd go to another place in the city and sit on the dewy grass with other city heathens, enjoying what Vancouver has to offer.

I think it was partly the presence of fire festivals in my youth that led to my current religious affiliation. More correctly said, I've always /been/ a Pagan; I've /known/ for 9 years. And, unfortunately, I do not feel that my Pagan nature is supported at all here--I felt much more support, both from the humanity around me and the limited nature found there, in the dreary rainy city of Vancouver, B.C.

I miss home very much.


And maybe I don't really know what I want to do, but at least I know I have the freedom to change my plans--as one should be able to at this age. I'm 19; I'm spontaneous. ...on second thought, maybe my age has nothing to do with it. I'll probably always be spontaneous. This is something the rest of the world cannot handle.

They can fuck off.


Everything is floating right now. Which is...fine.

Eden

There has been something preventing me from caring this past month; preventing me from living since July. I fake it pretty well. No one knows that each breath I take I hope will be my last; no one sees the deep rends in my heart. I feel like I'm choking. There's not enough air here, there's not enough to keep me going. I've lost the ability to smell life, to taste it like I should. Everything is one more gray, shapeless blob, something that I cannot distinguish from the rest of the gray that makes up my world.

I live lies inside my head to make me feel better; I tell lies to my mother so she won't worry. No, I don't smoke, yes my grades are fine, I was tired when I left that message, I'm fine, I'm ok, just the same old same old, I'm eating right, I'm sleeping fine, things are fine with me and whoever, I'm low on cash but I'll be fine, there are other lesser problems in my life you should look at, I have no big problems, please don't worry I won't kill myself.

I never really tried to live when Blue was here and now that she's gone I can't do it anymore. I never ever appreciated what she gave and now I've never felt loss so strongly. I took for granted what I thought would be around forever even when I KNEW it wouldn't be.

And every day I wish God had taken me instead.

Harry Potter and the Magic Rock: Further Dumbed Down For American Children

On that note, I've seen the fourth HP movie and OMG IT IS SOOOO GOOD. And if you hadn't read the book, you were really fucking confused--which I applaud, wholeheartedly, because it will prompt people to read the fucking book. Motherfucking stupid-ass American (& Canadian) kids. Y'all ignorant. I blame the parents, really. They should /make/ the kids read HP before watching the movies--or if the kids can't read, they should read to the kids. Spend some quality time with your kids! Stop using the TV as babysitter. Lazy bastards.

It pisses me off when people are like "Let's have kids and do a real crap job raising them to get a silent and totally pointless revenge on our own parents thereby fucking over the rest of the world by letting loose more mal-adjusted teens on the world in 18 years time when we kick our kids out for being themselves (or as much of themselves that they can be after the stranglehold we had on their souls for so damn long)". Because the world really needs more fucked-up teens.

On the plus side, people going into psychology will make a killing.

So will I, but for different reasons.

Fields of Innocence

I watched Resident Evil: Apocalypse with the commentary on. I must say....Milla Jovovich and Oded Fehr's commentaries rocked so hard, until someone decided to splice in bits of Sienna Guillory's interview. Which had me screaming "SHUT UP BITCH!" at the TV. And then I turned into a T-Virus Zombie™ and ATE her. Everytime Milla & Oded start getting really funny, there's Jill Valentine just yapping on about how she loves the 'humanity' of the series (ummm...it's about zombies? hello?) and how she loves this about her character and that about her character and blahblahblah....Which would be fine...in an interview. In the commentary all I want to hear is the actors or maybe even directors making fun of the movie. Which is what Milla and Oded did. Made fun of themselves. Which makes me bow down in front of my Milla shrine so much lower. I'm literally under the carpet at this point.

Red Tape/Agent Provocateur

I posted a comment on Ashen's blog in response to her Law of Entropy entry. I doubt anyone read it, but it's prompting today's entry.

I desire power. The only thing that I desire more than power is to have Blue back, and that's not going to happen.

I desire all kinds of power. I want to rule the world, politically and emotionally. I want to be a leader that no one assassinates because for some reason no one can fathom, everyone loves her. I will rule for my own purposes; I do not delude myself with ideas of "Wanting to bring peace to humanity" or wanting to do things "for the greater good." I want to be in charge so that all assholes have to answer to me. I want to be in absolute power so that I am above the law.

I want to be unrivaled in my psychic abilities. I want my ability to heal to be so strong that you don't need Western medicine at all. I want my telepathic powers enhanced to the point of being able to literally control people with my mind. I want telekinetic powers, so I never have to lift a finger again. I want mental control over my own biological processes so I would have to sleep but once a week and eat but once a month. I want to able to collapse someone's brain with one flick of my mind. I want to be able to set up shields that deflect magical and physical blows. I want to be able to pin-point certain people within a population and with one unleashing of my powers, to be able to wipe them all out. I want to make entire islands disappear.

I want my physical power to draw more fear than awe and attention. I want to be finely muscled, so I look feminine and soft but am nothing but tightly corded iron. I want to be able to knock out anyone, no matter their stature. I want swordplay abilities that would frighten Lancelot. I want to be the fastest runner, the strongest swimmer, and the best at any weapon I get my hands on.

I want to have knowledge and a wit that makes idiots gibber and intelligent people bow their eyes respectfully. I want to be able to kill a man at forty paces with one blow of my tongue. I want the ultimate manipulation techniques at my disposal.

I want the world at my feet. I want to be the world's dark mistress. I want to be the one you call "Madam" with a hint of fear in your voice, enough for me to relish but not too much to turn me off. I want to be the one that haunts your dreams and nightmares. I want to be the one in charge of your very existence, because I get off on that sort of power.

I want this power. I want it so badly I can almost taste it. And maybe someday, in this lifetime or the next, I'll achieve it.

Parasol

So, again, I do not care enough to make a difference. This has been my MO for the past few months. I haven't cared enough to go to the gym, to not smoke (though I haven't for weeks…I only do it when I feel it), to take charge of my life, to not fall into debt, to write my novel, to not procrastinate, to do anything positive or productive. I've been in this funk of wake up at noon, go to class, go to work, go home and sleep. Leave the dirty dishes in the sink until my roomies do them; leave the mess on the table till it's shoved over; leave the laundry on the line till it falls off. Don't check the oil in my car, or take her in for check-ups (way overdue for an oil change). I don't do enough religious stuff, I don't clean my room, I wear dirty clothing or I don't leave the house for lack of motivation to get dressed. I don't always wash my face, I don't trim or clean my nails, I pick at my scabs, and I don't follow sound medical advice, like "Don't mix vodka and painkillers." My liver hates me. I can't save any money for anything, because I keep on spending it on junk food. I don't cook, I don't eat healthily enough. I have nightmares and want to go back to them. I had an exam last week and five quizzes. I didn't do a single one, nor did I give the teacher a heads up that I wouldn't be able to. As far as some of my friends are concerned, I've disappeared off the face of the earth. I didn't reconnect my phone when it was cut off; I don't call people; I don't clean up my messes; I don't do what I say I'll do; I haven't consulted the Tarot in months; and I haven't consulted my pendulum since I found out Kurt is involved. I don't catch up on my reading; I'm in the middle of thirty books at once; I say I'm going to try fanfic but I'll never really do it; my fiction is sliding downhill; I say I'll come into the bookstore but I don't; I go to poetry slams for the money and I'm sick of poets; and I can't even post this entry because my computer is like la la la what internet? I've only ever finished one video game, and since roomie smacked me because I was going to (didn't, mind you) walk in front of the TV when he and two boys were playing Mariokart, I haven't wanted to.

I think I'm coming down with something. It's called apathy. Apathy, or depression, or something. But I'm not even really sad. I'm just….blah. I suppose it is apathy. Right now all I want to do is quit school and work for a bit. I haven't had a real vacation from school since……well, if a vacation is doing just what you want to do, then never. Guatemala doesn't count; I was doing schoolwork while there and that did tarnish the experience. As for access summers with dad…I never get to do what I want to do when I'm with him. I've been in schooling of some sort since I was three years old. Sixteen years later and I'm an embittered teenager who's given up her dreams because they won't help people as much as being a doctor will. Everybody's an actor, everybody's a poet, everybody's doing some creative bullshit. "Hi, I'm writing a novel." The world responds "OH, so am I! What a COINCIDENCE!" Yeah, real fucking coincidence. And I can't say anything except what's supportive, because I'll sound like fucking cocky. I guess it just bothers me that everyone wants to get into everyone else's niche. Like Hilary Duff just fucking splayed and straddled over every single genre known to humans. Musician/actress/writer/whore/whatever. Like when people I know who are totally NOT into languages at all pretend to be all knowledgeable about Latin or Greek, because of the rise of movies that make Latin cool. I'm like, "Can you PARSE, bitch? Can you DECLINE? Can you fucking translate? NO? Then shut up!" Latin was ALWAYS cool. It's a great base for other languages. And people only get into it or use bad Latin to make themselves seem more important and smarter than they are.

And it's not just the forte-thieving that bothers me. I dabble in fortes not my own, sure. It's when people are deluded into thinking they're the next Beethoven or Chopin or the next Anne Bishop. NO. No, you are not. I dabble in music. I suck. I hold no delusions of this. I have no more musical talent. It wasn't nurtured and as such that energy got diverted into writing. But I dabble because I enjoy being able to play classics on the piano and maybe someday I'd like to make my poems into songs. Not because I think I'm a child prodigy, or that music is my calling. It's not, I suck.

You meet people waiting tables in LA and most of them will say, "Oh, I'm an actor." Oh, really? Do you have an agent? Auditions lined up? Headshots? Are you constantly working the acting line? Are you going to auditions—any and all—and callbacks? Are you trying? Or are you just waiting on tables, hoping that talent scout will come in and see you and say, "Yes…yes…this is the next Alan Rickman/Gary Oldman/Emma Thompson/Kate Winslet [insert appropriately good actor's name here]. I must have you for the lead in Tarantino's next film!"? Because if it's the latter, you're not an actor. You're a waiter. And that's all you're going to be unless you take fucking charge of your career. GET AN AGENT. Get some fucking headshots.

And by the way, that shit NEVER happens to the little guy. The only way to become an accomplished actor is to work at it. Don't be deluded by stories of big breaks and being 'in the right place at the right time'. If you wait around for that you'll never get any fucking work.

So what's the point of my being a filmmaker? Whose lives will I change? No one's life. If I were a doctor, I'd be in the business of saving lives every day. And that's what people need. Actually, what people really need is more doctors like me—integrators of natural healing and Western healing. Whatever you got, I can give you the full treatment. And maybe I'll get more respect for being an energy healer.

"I'm a filmmaker." *is met with general disdain; oh god not another independent filmmaker*

"I'm an energy healer." *is met with Get away from me you FREAK*

"I'm a doctor." And a filmmaker and an energy healer, but I won't say that. *is met with awe and reverence.*

What would be more appealing to someone who has spent her entire life being an outcaste in a group of outcastes? I'm the Untouchable the other Untouchables didn't want to play with as kids; I'm the Untouchable the others ignored.

And it's not so much that I choose to be an outcaste. It's more that I choose to be me, and the world doesn't want that. They want a skinny iconoclast; then she can be admired for her weirdness. If you're fat and weird, then you're fucked.