wank

i'm tired of posting on my LJ. i think i'll just stay over there for all the drahmah and wank that goes on in the communities. it's entertaining.

yes, last time i posted i was < / 3-en, but it passed. or rather i should say our relationship is repaired, fine, but i'll never get over the < / 3. i never do. it's just there forever and at some point it gets easier to ignore or deal with. it doesn't mean things have changed drastically or anything. i still love Travis, he still loves me, we both still have major fucking issues. we're still long distance. we're still making it work. it's still hard. i'm feeling really conflicted right now. i want to be back in canada but not in powell river, because i come back and suddenly there's shitloads of stuff for me to deal with and it's major stressful. i have no money, for one, but don't want/can't handle a job because my back is in such major pain. i want to go back to hawaii, even though i know that would be really stupid for a lot of reasons. i don't necessarily want to go back to the house i'm staying in up here because the other tenant is fucking nuts, but i don't want to stay at my mom's house because it's cold and i miss my bed. i miss Travis and want him to be near me, whether that means here or in hawaii. honestly i'd rather be with Travis, in nanaimo, going to school. that would be the best option. but i don't think i can save enough money for that because i don't think there's a job i can do. i don't know. i just want to disappear into one of my books and not come out for a very long time. is that so much to ask for? g2g, fingers getting frostbite.

stupid stupid me

i was pretty damn silly to think he would be the one who wouldn't break my heart. that i wouldn't get my heart broken again.

so i let my heart open up, break its shell, and what happens? i get stabbed.

so what else is new.

and also

I got a gift for Travis today. Because I love him.

Cave of Wonders: May 9th, 2008

Went shopping today! Yay!

My back was in agony all day, but I had fun nonetheless. Got a lot of cool things. I spend money so quickly; it's ridiculous. But I was also very good. I resisted lots.

At Ikea yesterday I got this:

it's for holding plastic bags under the sink or in the cupboard.

this is for my stein collection:

black pleather curtains for my dungeon bedroom:

a computer desk:

and the coup d'grace, a four poster canopy bed (metal frame). enough room for two largish people (the best part). ;)

and now it's bedtime. I'm quite tired; need my sleep. Tomorrow -- on to Powell River!

And a better computer.

Gaia blog: what is the most important constant in your life?

The most important constant in my life has only been around for two years. His name is Travis, and I love him with all of my heart. 

Yes, he's my significant other. Very significant. 

Travis and I met at a party at Denny's in 2006. I was going through the tail end of a grieving process, helped along by my good friend anti-depressants; he was at the end of a bad friends-with-benefits scenario which had followed years of singleness after his first and only real relationship, which had ended badly. Needless to say we're both wounded people.

We soon became friends, and very soon started dating. I had just decided to move back to Canada from Maui, ticket bought and everything --- when I fell in love with him. I figured I just wouldn't say it, and then I wouldn't have to worry about getting attached, because so long as I didn't say it it wouldn't be "true" -- but I also knew that if he said it to me first, I was doomed. I couldn't not say it back. That would be the same as lying about it. And I've had that lie told to me before. It was unbearable. 

So. Packing is going well, planning for the trip and all -- then one morning after a night spent cuddling on the floor of my empty living room, he says it. 

Dammit.

I wanted to keep things simple. The reason I asked him out was because I felt little attraction to him, meaning I wouldn't get attached. I wanted a fling, nothing more, something with which to end my time in Maui on a good note....

...and my stupid heart had to get involved. Haven't you learned? I scream at it. Don't you know where this road leads? To destruction! I cry, trying to remind it. 

Oh, it knows. It recognizes the pattern -- I fall in love and get hurt -- but it can't help itself. Neither can I. 

I go to Canada for two months, work all that time on my house and adopt a dog, creating a string of attachment for me there. The two months is enjoyable in a bittersweet fashion, because I'm apart from Travis for so long...but know I'll see him again in August (unfortunately after our birthdays, because we couldn't arrange to spend them together -- we're both Leos). 

I come back under pretense of going to school -- but everyone knows it's for him. I stagger through my classes that fall, and in winter Travis and I both go to Canada, so his Hawaiian butt can see snow and meet my family (aside from Mom). 

Dad loves him. This is big. Dad hates all his daugthers' boyfriends as a matter of course. Well, not hates. Is very harsh on though. And he's easier on Travis than he is on me. True story. 

Great. My family loves him, I love him, he loves me, we're coming up on a year and what the hell happened to not being attached? I thought I'd gotten used to the single life! Accepted it even. And now I'm in so deep with this relationship business I don't know if I can survive without him. 

Health reasons force me to stay in Canada and Travis to go back. We're apart for 9 months. We talk everyday. I rack up thousands of dollars in long distance. Go through many moments of very-nearly-breaking-up just because it would be easier than staying together through long distance. Because I'm afraid of working at it. I'm so used to just walking away that I can't imagine any other solution. 

But I force myself to stay. He forces me to stay. And we work through things, and are better for it. 

Towards the end of the nine months I am going crazy and know that if I don't go back to him I'll go off the deep end, so I quit my job and book a flight...to certain doom. 

I'm still here. I got a job here in November and got fired in January. LIfe in Maui is worse, and I can't wait to get back to Powell River. But the one constant that has kept me upright, kept me going, even when I wanted to strangle him, is Travis. 

He's healed so many of my wounds. Helped me to see my own beauty (which I didn't even know I had). Helped me to love myself, to see myself as a sexual being, to allow myself to be smart. He encourages my creativity, my interests, my passions -- he tells me to go for it when everyone else says I'll never make it. 

And he, too, has been healed, though that is for him to articulate. Suffice it to say that I know we heal each other, and support each other, and love each other, more than I ever thought possible. 

Travis is my most important constant. He's replaced drugs, alcohol, cutting, anti-depressants. This April will be a full two years since my last suicide attempt, my last anti-depressant, my last drug use, my last cutting. (I drink socially still, but not that often.) 

I hate mathematics, but I will say my favorite ratio is 1:1 -- where one is he and one is me. 

Yogensha | Yoko Kanno

I have no idea what to put on this blog. I have an unhealthy obsession. 

Goodbye, Blogdrive

I am leaving Blogdrive. It is no longer as active as it once was, and I've fallen out of love with it. I still love the people, but I do not post here as much as I once did.

I will be leaving most of my blogs up, but strictly as archives. You may continue to visit at your leisure.

Those of you still interested in following my online life can find my personal blog at Scratching Post, my prose blog at Mount Impri, my poetry blog at antichrist awakening, and my Witchcraft blog at Grayheart's Grimmerie. LJ is just much easier to use. And gives me the option of making my posts private or friendslocked, which is nice.

Farewell, BD. We've had a good run.

-Jag

1000 no kotoba

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG WISDOM TEETH.

And 6610 words in Nano.

Must...reach...10k tomorrow.

Constancy

I'm feeling quite good about myself. I just wrote 2244 words on my novel, and finished Chapter One (4365 words total). Tomorrow I plan to start Chapter 2 and hopefully write another 4000 words, as I'm about 5835 behind right now.

Catch up is fun!

You can head over to my Nano blog at http://evlockenano.blogdrive.com or at http://evlocke.livejournal.com -- they both have the same stuff. :) Excerpts for your reading pleasure, etc.

And now I disappear to shower.

Lucia di Lammermoor

Since coming home, I have been so exhausted, and have no reliable computer access. Sure, I can use one of Travis's computers, but I can't hog them. So here is my first entry since leaving Canada.

Hawaii is as I remember it, mostly. Hot. Sticky. Bad drivers everywhere. They should be shot. Some stores have closed down; others have opened up. The new dorms are still unfinished, and looking to cost $3000 a semester, if you can believe it. Freaking privatization.

Travis's room is still an unholy mess.

This is coming from me, the girl who likes to see what exactly will grow in her room when it's left to its own devices.

Enough said.

Life with Travis is wonderful, despite the ROOM FROM HELL. Endless sex, if I do say so myself -- last night a record of three consecutive times. Yes, I am just that hot. And we were about to get it on in the living room after a shower when his dad came home from work early.

*cue blush*

Can't look his father in the face now.

Ah well.

We've made a Celtic New Year's Resolution to Eat Right and Get Fit. Travis is doing great; I am made of fail. So what else is new? It's so easy to be lazy! But I am trying. Sort of. I'm giving it the old slacker try. :D

And I'm writing a novel, which you probably know from my Nanowrimo blog, Mt. Impri. Go. Read. Not like it's very good. (It's not supposed to be, dammit!)

Signing off to write.
J

Electronic Flip | M-Seven

I was just thinking how I should save my entry to Microsoft Word when it got deleted.



GOD DAMMIT. >.< style="font-weight: bold;">50 Questions I've likely never answered!


1. What's your favorite episode of Sex and the City?
The Robot Chicken Golden Girls spoof of it.
2. What's a big misconception about you?
That I'm a nice straight girl. ;)


3. If you could have a free pass from your SO, is there a celebrity that you wouldn't say no to, if they wanted to sleep with you? :
Jack Black. Or Angelina Jolie.


4. Have you ever taken an anti-depressant for its intended purposes?
Yes.


5. Do you like your neighbors?
NO.


6. What are the last 3 CD's you've listened to?
Uh. Whatever's on iTunes?


7. Have you ever had sex with more than 1 person in a single day?:
Ew.


8. What's the last food/drink purchase you wanted your money back on?
Uh. No clue.


9. Who is your favorite DAY TIME talk show host?
None.


10. Do you like "big boy toys"?
Maybe?


11. Do you sleep with your closet door open or closed?
Can't sleep, clowns will eat me.


12. Have you ever used sex to get your way in a situation?
No. That's what my boyfriend does to me. :D


13. What type of Church do you attend?
Nature.


14. Would you rather have a bucket stuck on your head or a bucket stuck on your hand for 24 hours and why?
How long would it be on my head?


15. Who did you copy this from?
7onders.


16. What is the last dead thing you saw?
No clue.

17. Do you like playing Trivia games?
Sure?


18. Can you skate on roller skates?
No.


19. What are your favorite animals?
Wolves.

20. If you had to either milk a cow for an hour or shovel cow poop with a large soup spoon for an hour, which would you choose?
Milk a cow. Done a goat before; should be easy.

21. Do you know anyone in the military?
Probably.


22. Which finger could you do without?
None.
23. Have you ever slept out on the beach before?
Not at night.


24. Do you think you've ever been abducted by aliens and just had it erased from your memory?
No, I was left here by aliens.


25. Do you know anyone who's name starts with an M who makes you laugh a lot?
Makana!


26. Do you think you would look good with a bald head?
Only if I were skinny. :(


27. How much do you pay for hair care products when it's time to buy more?
A lot.


28. How often do you go to a salon to get your hair done?
Every year and a half.


29. In 5 words or more, how would you describe the person you copied this from?
Remember, remember, the 7th oneder of Blogdrive


30. Do either of your parents have any tattoos?
Yes


31. Does your significant other/crush have any tattoos?
No. :(


32. Do you make yourself cry to get out of trouble?
No.


33. Do you believe in Secret Society's?
The Secret Society's what?


34. Do you have a bad temper?
I have a temper. Bad/good is a matter of perspective.


35. When was the last time you used the restroom?
Half an hour ago.


36. Would you rather have the ability to make time stand still and start again at your whim or to be able to fast forward time and do things over?
The first one.

37. Do you know your significant other/ ex significant other's mother's name?
Yes.


38. Do you remember your first crush's middle name?
I don't think he had one.


39. Did you used to play with all the neighborhood kids when you were young?
Sure. We played kidnap the beautiful princess then rape her in the tower. With ropes. This TOTALLY doesn't explain my current BDSM relationship.


40. What's something about feminine hygiene products that doesn't make sense to you?
WHY ARE THEY SO UNCOMFORTABLE OMG.


41. Is there any movie that you have never seen but will NOT watch no matter what?
Those Christian Apocalypse things.


42. Do you worry about burglars?
Ham-burglars.


43. Have you ever had real thoughts about suicide?
Yes. I've even attempted it.


44. Would you ever name your dog Mr. Barky Von Schnauzer?
*bursts into laughter*


45. Why do people name their kids things like Apple, Tulip, Peach, Diamonds, etc?
Because they're retarded.
46. What casino type card game do you do well at?
None.


47. Have you ever wanted to swim in a pool of Jello?
It would feel nice.


48. Have you ever physically hurt an object out of anger?
Yes.


49. Do you have a friend or family member who has a septum piercing?
I don't know....


50. What do you think of these shoes?

Pwetty. :)

Breaking News

Didja hear?

I know! Totally crazy.

Lol, actually, no. Ashen and I totally called it. Didn't we?

And in other news, that blister could be more than an allergic reaction. I don't want to say more until I know for sure, but if you could keep me in your prayers/send some healing energy my way, I'd sure appreciate it.

I'm supposed to be leaving Hicksville tomorrow and I'm no where near packed. And the dog took himself for a walk, so he may end up in the pound tomorrow. Fucker.

Gotta run and do stuff.

Nharg.

So that burning I felt?

Allergic reaction.

I have a blister in a place one should never get a blister.

So much pain.

Not fun.

Waiting for Dr to call me back and let me know a) what it was he used and b) what can I do to fix it? Because the cream I got from the other Dr is almost gone, and it hasn't made the blister go away.



AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!

There's a good reason these tables are numbered honey you just haven't thought of it yet

I just got back from the hospital. Had a Mirena IUD (intrauterine device) put in. Yay for contraceptives! Non-yay for the incredible pain I'm in.

Luckily I was sedated and slept through the whole procedure. However, I reacted badly to the prep fluid (lube, basically, and to my cunt it feels like the "tingling sensation" lube from HELL), and was completely nervous about a) the needles for the IV, and b) the tampon of DEATH applicator for the IUD. Which is why I'm glad I slept through it. :D

And my lovely co-worker agreed to work tonight for me. I owe her big-time.

So from now on (the next 5 years) I not only don't have to worry about pregnancy, but also the progesterone on the IUD will make my periods lighter and possibly make them disappear all together.


YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY.

Off to relax.

*skips off to play WoW*

ZOMGwriting

So I have joined NaNoWriMo, even though I have no computer of my own right now and probably won't by Nov. 1st.

But we all know I'm crazy.


Now I must find a plot and some characters and oh yeah a setting.

Not to mention the computer.


In other news, Immanence is weighing heavily on me. It shouldn't. I've totally stepped back from it. Or rather, I would have liked to do so. I want to turn it over to my mom.

I began as editor for the mag. I was also the website creator. That's been since turned over to Corey, my business partner. I hope to pass editor onto my mom. She's better at it anyway.

I have more to rant on this subject but now is not the time. So I'm going to grind to 34 on my Draenei Hunter and then maybe post some more.

Or not. Time will tell.

I've become so numb

Dear Dad,

I got your message. I suppose I can see how it could be construed that I want you to buy me a laptop for no other reason than to game. I mean, obviously, all I've ever done my whole fucking life is video games -- I've never gotten straight A's in High School, I've never graduated with more credits than needed because of the hundreds upon hundreds of hours I've spent in theatre, I've never been Eaton's Calendar Girl (no thanks to you, I may add), I've never held a job, I've never started a magazine, I've never started to write a novel, I've never written any poetry, I've never published a book of poetry, I've never made any films, I've never been into films, I've never had a lead role, I've never multi-tasked as actor and tech crew for a play, I've never worked hard for anything, I've never accomplished anything in my life, because I've spent all my years playing video games.

Travis too, actually, we're both big bums who just sit at home and play video games while leeching off our respective sets of parents. I certainly don't work 12 hour shifts in the liquor store and he doesn't work full time at the mall -- both of us for minimum wage. We're not in a long-distance relationship right now and so in need of some other way to unwind after work aside from the comfort of each others' arms. There's no reason for us to enjoy video games at all -- we could be doing something more productive, like killing older people in their homes then committing arson, while high on meth, then fucking right there next to the corpse for the rush it will give. That's definitely more productive than a few hours of WoW; I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.

I can also see how you would be so tired of paying for things for me -- after all, it wasn't my broke mom and oma who paid for my school laptop a few years ago, it wasn't my broke mom and oma who paid for my trip to La Jolla, it wasn't my broke mom and oma who paid for my course in Adobe Dreamweaver and Illustrator and then the software to use, it wasn't my mom and oma who supported me through college and high school, it wasn't my mom and oma who put me through the modeling course that gained me the prestige of Eaton's Calendar Girl, it wasn't my mom and oma who have been behind me every step of the way.

And of course, university students nowadays don't need computers at all to do their work, they all use typewriters. Any graphic design or website work I may get paid for wouldn't be done on a computer -- we use our pure psychic powers for that nowadays, not computers and software. And it's not like I'll have to type up my novel at any point -- I hear tell some company in England accepted a manuscript in longhand on paper napkins with beerstains.

And of course, it's not like you can afford it. I mean, it's not like you spend $3000 when you need a new suit. It's not like $4500 for a laptop is reasonable, when said laptop is state of the art and would have anything I could possibly need for university and work.

I know, dad, I'm just totally crazy.

I mean, how dare I ask you for something like this for my 21st birthday? It's not like I turn 21 only once, it's not like it's a milestone for me, it's not like you've never given me anything except a pair of nice shoes and a bunch of emotional scars, it's not like you owe me anything.

It's not like I ask you for material items because I know you'll never give me what I really want. It's not like you'll never give me a father's love.

So if you ever hear through the grapevine, dad, that I'm graduating with honors with a BA in Theatre, that I'm getting happily married to the love of my life, that I'm wildly successful, making tonnes of money from my various accomplishments -- if you ever hear of any of this dad, then don't bother coming to the ceremony, don't bother dropping me a line, don't bother trying to meet your new extension of family, because like all my other accomplishments, it won't have anything to do with you.

And I won't waste myself on you any more.


Take everything from the inside
and throw it all away
cause I swear for the last time I won't trust myself with you

Changes

So it's been a while since I've posted here.

I have had my life eaten and spit out again by the Gods of WoWCraft. Fucking videogames.

Things should be better now though. I've gotten rid of my myspace (thank the gods) and some other useless things. Trying to downsize my 'netlife is so much fun, let me tell you.

Hey Voo -- I'm going to be in Vancouver from October 18th or so to the 21st -- can we hang out? PLEASE?


And in other news, I have again chosen to post at 5:30 in the morning, so it's bedtime. Night all.

-J

wtfwtfwtf

I swear to god, people in this town just don't have any FUCKING BRAINS.



Mom and I currently have no washer and dryer. This is because the house had no w/d when we moved in, and the set we bought is sitting in the garage at the other house, waiting for our basement to be clean enough to be installed.

We also have no shower, because the plumbing dates back to 1910 and is disintegrating before our very eyes.

This pisses me off as well, but is not really part of today's rant.

Because of our lack of w/d, we must go to either our tenant's house to do laundry, the laundromat, or I have to do it while at work, using work's machines.

Well, after a few fiascoes with doing my laundry at the tenant's place (read: they thought it belonged to the previous tenant so they threw it in the garbage, then when they fished it out and said they'd wash it again and throw it in the dryer, they just left it in the washer to get moldy, and so I threw it in the dryer, but no one had told me there was no dryer vent and so their paint job was ruined, at which point I said "I'm never fucking doing this again" and stopped going up there to do my laundry) my mom assured me it was "safe" again to do my laundry there.

So I go up and put my load in.

As I'm leaving the husband comes out and I tell him that I've just put a load in, and I'll be back later to put it in the dryer and put my second load in the washer, is that cool?

"Sure."

"Cool. Then I'll be back after I'm done at the gym."

I come back after the gym.

They are no longer home.

My laundry is in its hamper, in the car port, with the detergent next to it. The wet clothing has been put into a plastic bag and is sitting on top of the dirty dry clothing in the hamper.

WHAT. THE. MOTHER. FUCK.

Did I imagine that whole conversation? Did you really tell me to shove it up my ass and I just didn't catch that part? WHY THE FUCK CAN YOU PEOPLE NOT GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD THAT I NEED MY CLOTHES TO BE CLEAN FOR WORK?


So I take the laundry home, too angry to even speak.


I go and buy clothespins and a shit load of ice cream.


And I hang the wet clothing on the line.


And here's the fucking kicker:


they didn't even let the cycle finish. One shirt was still half dry, and the rest were soaking wet.

It bothered them SO FUCKING MUCH they had to stop it beginning-mid-cycle. Couldn't let it finish. No. Had to stop NOW.







And people wonder why I'm a homicidal nutcase.

Stars

.Fire The Grid.

Was interesting. I waked up at 4am PST and did it....at first my mind wandered and I couldn't concentrate. I have problems with meditating.

But then I got into it, and (I was lying down) I saw "the grid" -- a grid of golden glowing energy, slightly above me. I reached out my hands and connected to it, and saw the whole earth encompassed in this great glowing grid of energy. My left hand was receiving energy from it, and my right hand was giving, and I saw the grid get "fired".

It was pretty fucking cool.

Anyone else participate? How was it for you? *eyebrows*

Precious

Be all that you can be.

Live to your best ability.

You're a smart girl, and I only want the best for you.

I know what's right for you, I'm your father.

I'm just trying to give you some friendly parental advice.

I think you could be so much if you didn't waste your life at your mom's place.

I'm really unhappy that you chose not to embrace your talents and get a real job--how about holding traffic signs in Vancouver?


Sounds funny, doesn't it?

It is all, to some extent, my father speaking. Not verbatim, but close enough to make no nevermind.

Tonight I attempted to tell him I want to go back to school. My goal: a degree in Theatre, possibly double-majoring in Anthropology. Then on to bigger and better things than being a liquor-store clerk and short order cook.

What every loving father would want for his uber-intelligent daughter, right?

I gave him the spiel, told him I wished to attend MCC again in January (that's in 6 months) full-time, and then again next summer, and then on to the University of Hawaii (a real University) in fall of 2008--full time. Tuition costs, et al, should be by my current rough draft estimates just under 20,000 (USD) a year. Providing I take the standard 4 years to complete my degree, that totals out to [roughly] 80,000 (USD). For a degree. For a college education. For a guarantee of a life well-lived.

Pretty cheap, by current college cost estimates. You'd think he'd go for it.

What I got in response was him saying he didn't believe me, because every time I talk to him I lie to him, and I need to get away from my mother.

1. He lies too. 2. Mom is in Powell River and I would be going back to Hawaii, which is 2700 miles away. I think that's "getting away from her".

O, well, she'd follow you there.

That's a lame excuse, Dad, because it can be used no matter where I want to go to school. It's not even a real reason.

Your mom wants to go back to Hawaii.

She doesn't. I could get a sworn affidavit saying she didn't.

I don't believe you, you lie everytime you talk to me.

The same could be said for you, dad.

Oh yeah, how do you figure?

You're a parent. Parents lie; it's fact.

FUCK YOU. *click*

Well. That was mature.


The sad thing--I'm not kidding. This was our conversation, more or less word for word.

So I'm searching for scholarships, and planning a trip to see my lawyer.

I will get my college education, despite my asshole of a progenitor.