Precious

Be all that you can be.

Live to your best ability.

You're a smart girl, and I only want the best for you.

I know what's right for you, I'm your father.

I'm just trying to give you some friendly parental advice.

I think you could be so much if you didn't waste your life at your mom's place.

I'm really unhappy that you chose not to embrace your talents and get a real job--how about holding traffic signs in Vancouver?


Sounds funny, doesn't it?

It is all, to some extent, my father speaking. Not verbatim, but close enough to make no nevermind.

Tonight I attempted to tell him I want to go back to school. My goal: a degree in Theatre, possibly double-majoring in Anthropology. Then on to bigger and better things than being a liquor-store clerk and short order cook.

What every loving father would want for his uber-intelligent daughter, right?

I gave him the spiel, told him I wished to attend MCC again in January (that's in 6 months) full-time, and then again next summer, and then on to the University of Hawaii (a real University) in fall of 2008--full time. Tuition costs, et al, should be by my current rough draft estimates just under 20,000 (USD) a year. Providing I take the standard 4 years to complete my degree, that totals out to [roughly] 80,000 (USD). For a degree. For a college education. For a guarantee of a life well-lived.

Pretty cheap, by current college cost estimates. You'd think he'd go for it.

What I got in response was him saying he didn't believe me, because every time I talk to him I lie to him, and I need to get away from my mother.

1. He lies too. 2. Mom is in Powell River and I would be going back to Hawaii, which is 2700 miles away. I think that's "getting away from her".

O, well, she'd follow you there.

That's a lame excuse, Dad, because it can be used no matter where I want to go to school. It's not even a real reason.

Your mom wants to go back to Hawaii.

She doesn't. I could get a sworn affidavit saying she didn't.

I don't believe you, you lie everytime you talk to me.

The same could be said for you, dad.

Oh yeah, how do you figure?

You're a parent. Parents lie; it's fact.

FUCK YOU. *click*

Well. That was mature.


The sad thing--I'm not kidding. This was our conversation, more or less word for word.

So I'm searching for scholarships, and planning a trip to see my lawyer.

I will get my college education, despite my asshole of a progenitor.

Flickerlight

Work tonight was .... interesting.

A few nights ago my co-worker came in with some of her friends to buy some alcohol. I warned her that our manager was on the warpath, cause when I'd come into work I'd gotten an earful about how my co-worker had forgotten to stock one or two things (our manager is really anal). I apparently said it wrong, because today my boss tells me (nicely) that next time an employee forgets to do something to not confront him or her but to leave a note for my manager or boss.

I explained that it hadn't been my intention to confront her but to warn her. I was doing the whole "Do unto others" thing that I usually avoid.

So my co-worker comes in tonight with her friends again and I apologize to her for being an asshole, basically. She accepted my apology and said "It would have been different had I been alone."

Now, I would just leave this at that but for the "Different if I were alone" bit.

I didn't say anything to her, but it got me to thinking. If you come in with your friends and your co-worker says something, and you're worried about what your friends are going to think--then what does that say about your friends? I mean, if the words of a white-ass parents-house-living college-drop-out lazy self-centered whore is going to seriously affect your friends' opinions of you, then shouldn't you have better friends?

Really, the only opinion that should matter to you is your own. (And in my case, Travis's. :3)

Off that topic.

Mom went to Vancouver today. Will be back tomorrow. My response to that short a trip is "What's the fucking point?"

Well, of course the point is that she sees her mom/my oma for a bit, which makes Oma happy. She (Oma) is going in for her pre-surgery interview tomorrow, and surgery is on Monday. She'll be in the hospital for 5 days afterwards. I'd say what the surgery was for, but I honestly can't remember. I think it's for her eye, but I could be wrong.

Regardless: she will feel 100 X better afterwards. I know it.

Anyway, mom took Major with her, so I am alone in the house (except the perpetually drunk cat*).

*Kitty has an ear infection right now, and is meandering all over the house like a drunkard.

Speaking of drunkards, tonight I refused to sell beer to an intoxicated customer and he told me to shove it up my fucking ass. (Verbatim.) When I told him that if I sold to him I would lose my job, he said he didn't care about all that. Some people.

Today is Annie's birthday, but I cannot call her because she is in Newfoundland. But she is with her luvher, Deuzma, so 'sall good.

It is amazing how quickly two people can become such close friends.

Today is also Midsummer, but as I was working I did not do anything. Le sigh. One of these days I'll actually celebrate a freaking sabbat.

This whole thing about warning my co-worker has made me realize, abruptly, that I am a fucking gossip.

Slapself.

Drama doesn't follow me it rides on my back...

x Jana

sister i'm not much

:a poet but a criminal:


118am and why am i up? mindlessly blogging, that's why.

all is good on my front, aside from a crazy drug lord ex-tenant and a cat with an inner ear infection. walks like a drunk. (the cat does.)

in the process of codifying my beliefs....if i ever do the DTWC faq will be on my lj (I have more than one, actually--this one is strictly for magickal/witchy stuff).

and have just finished typing up my entry into the 2007 Pagan Fiction Award and Anthology contest...don't think i'll win--it's for short stories really and i'm entering in a few chapters of Bellica, but we'll see.

need to sleep now.

loves.
j

like golden fire

my hair grows down and tangles.

immanence is up and running. yay!

and has a myspace and a facebook.


and i've been up since 3pm yesterday, so it's sleepy byes for jana.


x j

stupid

What's a really good thing to do when you've had no sleep and are already travelling down Emo Lane?

Take a side trip down Memory Street: High School Crescent.

This was a bad, bad idea.

Oh, let's search the ex-love of your life, Jana--good idea! While we're at it, why don't we take a look at his girlfriend too? And remind ourselves just how perfect they are for each other?

I'm so fucking pathetic.

I have a boyfriend, arguably the best boyfriend in the world, and yet I can't be happy because things aren't perfect.

I want to be back in Maui. I want to be back in Maui. I want to be back in Maui.

I'm wasting my life whether I'm here or there. I may as well be there.

holy fucking shit bear

tonight at work was HELL. HELL, I TELL YOU. 300 people came in for their grad dinners and they DINED IN HELL.

and i have nothing else to say.

except i spent the last few hours creating this:




i fucking rock.

lovelove
j

aaahhhh

I have to work tonight and I really don't want to.

:(

sing'n picard

GO. AND LOVE.

So. White. And. Nerdy. ROFL.

There are four lights! There are FIVE lights!

Ok, I started this post with the need to say something coherent about my life, but that soon ended. /sigh.

Anyway, I started a new blog....like I need one more. But I've felt a need to have a place where I can talk about my religion exclusively, and be part of Pagan-ish communities. I haven't let on, but since that internet war that I posted about a while ago I've felt very...blank and closed, I guess would be closest to what I'm feeling. I feel nervous about ever saying anything about what I believe again, for fear of reprisals, and actually not even really sure about my faith. It's affected me on a very deep level (the religion level), more than I care to admit. But since it happened I've found it hard to concentrate on the faith-based activities I should be concentrating on. My last ritual sucked. Really sucked. And it's because this issue is in the back of my mind.

It shouldn't really bother me that much, I suppose, and technically she didn't say anything mean-spirited, at least if you're an objective observer. But the truth is that since telling her in pm that I admired her, her posts to me had been getting steadily more challenging and critical--as if she was testing me, my devotion to my mistress, as I'm sure it translated to her.

After my last post I sent her a pm saying sorry if I came off too heavy-handed. Haven't heard back from her yet. Don't think I will.

And I've come to realize...all that glitters is not gold. In standard form that quote probably would not apply here, but I feel it does. So.

Anyway. I'm trying to heal. But it's hard. So I feel this other blog will help.

over and out
Jagged

no pr0n for Jana

so i ended up searching for my site + the word porn, to see if it would turn up, and didn't find it.

but did find this site and this blog.

go figure.

i still have not finished what should be a 2-page porn story....*rolls eyes* shows how comfortable i am writing about the subject.

in other news, marilyn manson's new album is the shizznick.

over and out
|J|

holy shit i'm writing pr0n

srlsy. my porn name is the marquisa de sade. and please tell me you get the reference.

PORN!
yeah. it's kinda hard for me to do. but i'm doing it because travis is sick and i want to make him feel better by writing LOTS OF PORN about us.

and i wanted to see if an entry with the word PORN so many times would get random comments from spammers.

what a wonderful carciature of intimacy

i don't really have a good reason for being up this late....perhaps, yes, i was at work until 11:45, and yes, mom was watching the departed when i got home so i had to escape so it wouldn't be ruined for me, and highlighting my hair seemed a good option, and then yes, i had stuff to do on the net, but still. i could have gone to bed a little while ago. but i'm sitting here waiting for travis to text me back, so i can call him. i'll call him anyway, we know this. still. my excuses.

i highlighted my hair because i'm tired of this tri-color shaggy dog shit, and somehow looking good is important to me. a powerplay is all it is, really, because when i look good i feel good because i know people are thinking they'd like to fuck me, and the knowledge that i produce that response and am unavailable is a sweet, sadistic pleasure for me.

the masochist in me also produces a need to look good, to slavishly submit to others' desires to see me pretty, even if i would rather really not and just want to stay in my sweats today, thanks.

i wish my life were like the lives of tv people, who sit around in coffee houses and talk and seemingly never have to work but have a ton of money to play around with, and are always witty and looking good, unless it's part of a joke. i wish my dad would pay for my college. i wish there were more hours in the day, though summer here makes it close.

i sing aloud to the black parade but wonder if i'm telling the truth or lies to keep myself silent. who wants to carry on?

why?

do i do these things?

they only waste time.

5:20 omglollerz

I have arbitrarily decided that 5:20, being both a month and an hour after 4:20, shall be
International Have Sex Till We Puke Day.

So, um, Travis...GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE, BUCKO.

It makes sense--at 4:20 we light up, giggle, get totally fucking stoned, and then after an hour rolls around we sort of kind of get around to the sex part, but because we're stoned we do it really slowly and clumsily and sort of throw up afterwards.

So. This HollyDay is OFFICIAL, because the QUEEN HAS SPOKETH.

In other news....

I'm completely and totally behind in my articles for Immanence. So I should get cracking.
I'm kinda over the internet war mentioned before.
I have decided to start a new blog. In fact, I just did: http://keukenheks.blogdrive.com. A cooking blog. No content as of yet, but it's forthcoming. I figure--I love to cook. I love to bake. I love to experiment in the kitchen. I call myself a Kitchen Witch. WHY NOT have a blog about it?

Because I want to have a life?

Anyway.

I'm sure I have a lot more to say, but it's probably all narcissistic and boring, so I'll leave off here. I have work to do at any rate, so I should stop dawdling.

Love you, my bitches
Jagged

more nightmares

I swear, the more I sleep, the more I don't want to.

Anyway...enough with that.

MNS Publishing Ltd. has been approved and reserved for us, so all I need to do now is go to City Hall and register my business, and then Corey and I can actually officially have something to publish Immanence Magazine.

Saw Nausicaa last night. Good movie. Arguably his best and cheesiest.

BREAKFAST TIME!

Laters.
J

the kill...bury me

I got caught in a nightmare cycle while I slept last night. It was horrible. Quite possibly the worst I've ever been in.

I woke up never wanting to sleep again.

And I swear to god, the dream had better fucking be just borne of my own fear and paranoia and be in NO WAY premonitory.

Because if I lose him, I'll kill myself.

Maybe not literally, though there's no telling. Right now I have no idea how I'm even going to survive the next 6 months without him. And I know that if I do lose him, that's it. This is my heart's last chance for redemption. He is only one I will ever love for the rest of my life. I can't get hurt one more time and survive. This is one of those things I just know, regardless how fucking silly it sounds.

Hurt the heart too many times and it eventually just closes up.

And how do I tell him?

How do I find out if he feels for me what I feel for him?

I mean, fuck. I love you doesn't always equal you're the only one for me.

Shit. Looks like another night spent crying.

the ghost of you

so right when i feel like writing and actually pouring my heart onto this cruel digital page for the voyeurs of my internet life to lap up like hungry puppies

my fucking keyboard breaks.

watch my apostrophes, quotation marks, question marks, and back slashes:

è È É é

not even fucking kidding.

april showers

it has been raining here nonstop for a few days now. gray and gloomy. i love rain, but this is ridiculous.

so i was going to send this to travis, but he didn't call me yesterday nor return any of my calls nor answer the phone when i called him, so he doesn't get it. it's done by Arierure on deviantart.

yeah...his nickname for me is Kitty. :rolls eyes: though if he doesn't call me today it's going to change to Hissing Spitting Very Pissed Off Mountain Lion.

hey Voo....i'm coming down to vancouver this weekend. can we hang out? er, could i stay with you?

i'm almost done with classes--one more assignment today, and then i'm good. i bought the software at student price (in case I haven't said what classes i'm taking, they're Illustrator and Dreamweaver), but because it's the new software that's just come out, it cost 835 big ones. holy sheet. and they (apparently) only work on windows, not mac, but i guess we'll find out if they do indeed work on Parallels when I get my mac, whenever that may be. it may not be for a year or so anyway, so i'm going with what i have--ie, a crappy pc.

in the land of money, things are as crappy as ever.

but i am going to california this summer to meet my online friends from witch.net. we'll be going to disneyland and shit and it's going to be so much fun.

and behold! the only assignment in illustrator that i got a 15/15 on the first try.

i know, i know--it's crap. but i'm proud of it.

and this, but it wasn't an assignment, just me fucking around when i should have been working:

look! it's aurora's dress!

if you didn't get that reference, then what are you doing reading my blog, heathen?

i would post recent pictures of moi, etc, but i cannot find the fucking cord for my camera-computer hook up and it's DRIVING ME CRAZY.

i must go, because i'm just procrastinating before going to school.

love!
|J|

remember the 25th

so.

i did not make it to 28. i got tired of playing and just had to quit. of course, it was last night that i discovered i could have gone back on and played till level 28 and then not played anymore, because my acct hasn't been cancelled yet by my acct-manager, ie travis, but i haven't gone back on because of my terribly addictive personality.

powell river is hicksville. but i still love it.

happy one-year anniversary, travis. you have until midnight to call me, at which point if you have not you are in big trouble.

this soup tastes weird.

and i've been meditating (word used loosely) on activism and what it entails. and being a force for change.

what if things must get much much worse before they can even begin to get better?

what if working for that future that we want when the revolution comes doesn't work? what if something else worse gets implemented, but everyone kinda goes along with it because after such chaos they want order? and at that point what if it would just be less selfish to go into hiding, so that when people really are ready for change then the ones who have the knowledge and power to make it happen are still alive?

what i mean is, when those who hate us who are different are in power, there is danger. would it be better, at some point (not right now) to hide, so we'll still be around when our time comes? so our knowledge will continue?

i read this book about a future where women are kept for purely breeding purposes and are called "fems". the rulers of that society are men, and they love one another, and homosexual relationships are the norm. the fems remember the truth about the past but never fight back, because their main concern is survival of the species.

maybe our main concern should be survival of the knowledge needed. survival of those who will lead us out of darkness.

i don't know, i'm just rambling at this point.

so signing off...to eat dinner.

|j|

miss independent

friend of mine on witch.net posted this....

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
_______________________________

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the management denies your
request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH
brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the
management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are
often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be
pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift.
7. You dont always observe necessary safety
regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area
before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been
seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two
suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

I haven't laughed so hard in...a while.

Starting tonight I quit WoW for 6-months. Maybe I can get to 28 before that happens.

and what d&d character I am (apparently)

I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Druid Ranger

Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.

Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Find out What D&D Character You Are, courtesy of Zinious Software corporation

precious things

created this in my spare time (read: sleep time) last night:



couldn't find any pics of Sorceress or Chief Lycan or General while doing so, nor Princess. so incomplete it shall remain. until i get more pics.

seal hunt is a slaughter. feeling terribly depressed to be canadian.

and not at all surprised at the cruelty of human nature.

so will go to bed with sleeping pills, and hope for no more nightmares.

hah. like that'd ever happen.

|J|