...a short word from our sponsor

*the Goddess steps up to the microphone*

Ahem.

Hello everybody. Enjoying yourselves? Good.

I would like to say a few short words on those things called 'periods'.

*She clears Her throat, then speaks in Her patented Awesome Voice®*

WOMEN BLEED. DEAL WITH IT.

Thank you.

*She steps down from the microphone*

*EV steps up*

Thanks Mom!

*turns to audience*

Now, that's something that has much more meaning coming from the Mother.

Happy June, everybody!

Epiphany Time!

I've come to the [shocking] realization that food is evil. It's full of these really unhealthy things called 'calories'. And some foods are your death-knell, if you are of a certain bloodtype.

Wheat, dairy, and sugar--oh my! Wheat, dairy, and sugar--oh my!

They've come to take my muscle and give me fat! They've come to cover what should be the body beautiful with unhealthy obesity! They are the bane to the huntress, to my very existence!

Take them away! Do away with them! Kill them! Boil them, mash them, stick'em in a stew!

Don't let them take my muscles!

And here in lies the problem. I love wheat, dairy, and sugar. Mmm....crackers. Mmmm....ice cream. Mmmmm....brownies. Which is bad for someone who's lactose intolerant. Actually, most humans are lactose intolerant. We're not supposed to have dairy after age 2. We ignore it. Just as I have ignored it, lo, these many years. But no more! I feel like shit every time I eat these things that are bad for O blood-types. And great every time I do what the book suggests. Ergo, there must be something to this diet. For me, at least. Not all diets work for all people. But I'm thinking this one is the way to go.

So I must be strict with myself. I must say "NO!" to wheat, dairy, and sugar! No to bloating, no to severe muscular pain, no to premature diabetes, no to premature arthritis! No more shall I gain weight because of my eating habits! No more! No more shall I eat to relieve stress! No more! No more shall I skimp out on going to the gym 7x/wk, or to the chiropractor 3x/wk! No more! And no more shall I let myself be bogged down by peer pressure! No more!

*takes a deep breath; calms down*

Do you have any idea how hard this is to accomplish when you work in a pizza parlor?



~FIN~

Moonlight Sonata [First Movement]

This has to be my favorite piece from Beethoven. It is so hauntingly gorgeous. I want to die to this music. This is music to die to. Quietly passionate, sensual, insistent...heart-rending. Everything a good death-scene needs. Being an actress in every thing I do, every word I speak, every step I make--I make each scene of my life an Oscar-worthy performance, something to entertain the masses. My death scene shall be spectacular. I should like to die like the Diva Plavalaguna--at the climax of my greatest role, closing night, as I'm taking my bows---BANG! BANG! Two gunshot wounds, in my torso, hitting some vital organs. Moonlight Sonata plays as the audience exits, quietly masking the screams of fear and confusion: Am I next? Why her? She was at the peak of her career! Are they coming for me are they coming for mearetheycomingforme..... I am still standing. The pain is great, but I am transfixed by the blood on my hands. I hold my hands up, out, for all to see, and slowly fall backwards. My leading man catches me and lowers me gently to the ground. He is panicking. EV, he says, finding some cloth to hold against me, to stop the blood that has begun to spill across the stage, EV, it's alright. We'll call the ambulance, we'll get help. You won't die. I smile peacefully, say nothing. He does not understand. I can feel the darkness on the edges of me, waiting to lap me up, to take me Home. He is upset...I wish to comfort him in some way--can he not see that it is my time, that I am ready to let Her take me? That it is alright with me--I have lived a good life. I have raised children. I have had a career that pleases me. I have healed and been healed. I have loved and been loved. Life has been good...and life must end. Now I must go Home, to Her, to Him. To the Mother, to the Father--finally I can be at peace for a while. I reach a hand up to caress his face, to let him know that it's alright. Crimson streaks across his face as my hand falls. He grabs it, holds it. You're not going to die. I'm not going to let you. I squeeze his hand, smile, and fall backwards into the abyss.

I can smell hyacinth and rose...and I can tell I'm going home.

Liberi Fatali [Parade Vers]

There are ants in my computer. When I type, they come out of the keyboard and then we play a game of HULK SMASH SMALL INSIGNIFICANT INSECTS. It's a fun game. I think they like it, but after playing one round they're too tired to play another.

Come What May

I'm tired of taking shit from people. From now on I'm acting like the Queen I am. I have a Court, I'm gonna rule it. And that's that. In my Court, my word is law. In my life, my word is law. No one rules me. I rule myself. And I take care of myself and my subjects as best I can. I don't want people to save me from myself, I don't want well-meaning friends to interfere in what they may think is unhealthy, and I certainly don't want people telling me what I can and cannot do. I am Queen. I can do what I damn well please. Like it or not, things go my way--no highway option. And my way means the way that is best in the long run--that is best for all around. It means compromise, not catering to one or two influential and whiny courtiers. Deal.

Not-a-Note

I give up. I just give up.

You have a life. I understand that.

You have a life other than me. I understand that too.

And you have a job. That is what I'm having trouble grasping.

I guess I just have to get used to the fact that I'm not worth your time. And I'm sorry for thinking that I was.

Don't think that I'm writing this because I want you to apologize, or change in any way. I don't. I'm just letting you know that I'm sorry for being such a bitch about what is, essentially, your life, and that I'll stop now.

Don't bother trying to include me, because I know you're doing it only to be polite. I can take a hint. I'm not worth your time. I'm sorry for thinking I was that important.

Raid

Fucking philosophers! They breed like cockaroaches.

"OH, you're a plumber. What on earth is that?"

At this point, sleep would be good.

Prince

Ashen's computer is a monkey. And she's ripped out my tongue and is beating me to death with it. And she just shoved an Aleve pill in her ear and it got stuck. And now it's sitting on my carpet covered in ear wax.

I love my family.