Last night Robert, Ashen and I watched four movies on my mom's Plasma HD Bigscreen TV, which was fun. After they left I hung around and got depressed. I put Blue in a more reverent place than the kitchen table, covered in crap; I looked through a journal from one of the worst times of my life and was surprised to find virtually no writing about the stuff that was going on; I looked through my parent's wedding album (enough said); I looked through my baby book and that was really depressing because it confirmed to me that my entire existence is innate. I haven't changed at all in the past 19 years. I'm the same person I was as a baby. My personality is not learned at all. I'm the same as I always was. And it did make me kind of sad that my childhood was only the first three years of my life, but maybe that would have happened even if the tragedies hadn't started. Others would have taken their place. But still...to think that even though my life has tempered me in the fires of pain and injury, that I have not changed for the better...that is sad. I may have changed for the worse. I was not as angry and vengeful when I was a child. But I was acknowledging my fledgling Antichrist powers even then. One of my first sentences was
"I'm a demon baby."
But my problem right now is that I can't feel Goddess anymore. I can't get back to that place of perfect faith that I held. And I want to, because I don't see anything else to save me at this point.
The thing is, I'm just so fucking close to losing it. I can't feel the hurt anymore but I know it's still there. It's deep below, waiting for something else to lance it. And when it's lanced....I don't know what will happen. I need something to hold on to. And she's gone. So I have to forge that bridge to god by myself now. It's up to me, but I don't think I'm up to the task.
Guess it's time to figure out.
"Like a thousand other commanders on a thousand other battlefields, I wait for the dawn."
