12.01.2005

Eden

There has been something preventing me from caring this past month; preventing me from living since July. I fake it pretty well. No one knows that each breath I take I hope will be my last; no one sees the deep rends in my heart. I feel like I'm choking. There's not enough air here, there's not enough to keep me going. I've lost the ability to smell life, to taste it like I should. Everything is one more gray, shapeless blob, something that I cannot distinguish from the rest of the gray that makes up my world.

I live lies inside my head to make me feel better; I tell lies to my mother so she won't worry. No, I don't smoke, yes my grades are fine, I was tired when I left that message, I'm fine, I'm ok, just the same old same old, I'm eating right, I'm sleeping fine, things are fine with me and whoever, I'm low on cash but I'll be fine, there are other lesser problems in my life you should look at, I have no big problems, please don't worry I won't kill myself.

I never really tried to live when Blue was here and now that she's gone I can't do it anymore. I never ever appreciated what she gave and now I've never felt loss so strongly. I took for granted what I thought would be around forever even when I KNEW it wouldn't be.

And every day I wish God had taken me instead.