so today is november 5th and the full moon, as well as my friend's 'expecting' date. i find it to be full of good omen...a remembrance of pagan traditions (burning man) as well as a celebration of revolution against tyranny. of course, i live in a place where it is illegal to set off fireworks on any day except new years or july fourth, so i will have to make due with a small beach fire tonight. because that's not illegal.
it's actually quite fitting...with the celtic new years just past, and the re-evolution that this day symbolizes, my plan to do a fire in which i burn all the negative things i don't want in my life, in order to make room for the positive things i do want. maybe a purely selfish way to spend such a day, but if i don't start with myself where should i start? besides, i could use more energy to do the things that are not selfish.
or perhaps just the strength of will to refuse the things i know i should--ie social life and fun--in order to do what's important--ie homework, writing, and activism. but it again boils down to that question of what's more important: personal happiness and a willful ignorance, or impassioned activism and absolute self-misery. they are both important--it's finding the ever-escaping-me gay psychic, it's achieving balance. it's having enough energy to do so.
and i find that i don't. and i end up swinging mostly to personal happiness, because it really is near-impossible to say no to my boyfriend. i'm not saying he's a bad influence--indeed, personal happiness can be a good thing to focus on if you're used to pushing it aside to make everyone else comfortable--i'm just saying i'm having trouble controlling myself.
and my emotions. i haven't taken my pills because mostly i don't need them, but then i have these wild mood swings every week or so, and they always catch me by surprise. so i take the pills and feel dulled down but not any happier. sr doesn't work as well as xl did for me. so i desperately try to stay happy, to stay afloat, at all costs, because i am happy. i am. this is not denial. i've just fallien into a 'used-to-it' happy that allows me to become upset at other things. the novelty has worn off; i've fallen back into old habits.
i feel too much, but the alternative is too scary. pure logic is pure evil. emotions dictate morals. that is why psychopaths are so scary.
but i do want to tone it down. to feel as much as i do but not show as much as i do.
i am tired of being a heart-on-my-sleeve girl.
hence this ceremony. hence the need for a change.
hence so much.