Dear Dad,
I got your message. I suppose I can see how it could be construed that I want you to buy me a laptop for no other reason than to game. I mean, obviously, all I've ever done my whole fucking life is video games -- I've never gotten straight A's in High School, I've never graduated with more credits than needed because of the hundreds upon hundreds of hours I've spent in theatre, I've never been Eaton's Calendar Girl (no thanks to you, I may add), I've never held a job, I've never started a magazine, I've never started to write a novel, I've never written any poetry, I've never published a book of poetry, I've never made any films, I've never been into films, I've never had a lead role, I've never multi-tasked as actor and tech crew for a play, I've never worked hard for anything, I've never accomplished anything in my life, because I've spent all my years playing video games.
Travis too, actually, we're both big bums who just sit at home and play video games while leeching off our respective sets of parents. I certainly don't work 12 hour shifts in the liquor store and he doesn't work full time at the mall -- both of us for minimum wage. We're not in a long-distance relationship right now and so in need of some other way to unwind after work aside from the comfort of each others' arms. There's no reason for us to enjoy video games at all -- we could be doing something more productive, like killing older people in their homes then committing arson, while high on meth, then fucking right there next to the corpse for the rush it will give. That's definitely more productive than a few hours of WoW; I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.
I can also see how you would be so tired of paying for things for me -- after all, it wasn't my broke mom and oma who paid for my school laptop a few years ago, it wasn't my broke mom and oma who paid for my trip to La Jolla, it wasn't my broke mom and oma who paid for my course in Adobe Dreamweaver and Illustrator and then the software to use, it wasn't my mom and oma who supported me through college and high school, it wasn't my mom and oma who put me through the modeling course that gained me the prestige of Eaton's Calendar Girl, it wasn't my mom and oma who have been behind me every step of the way.
And of course, university students nowadays don't need computers at all to do their work, they all use typewriters. Any graphic design or website work I may get paid for wouldn't be done on a computer -- we use our pure psychic powers for that nowadays, not computers and software. And it's not like I'll have to type up my novel at any point -- I hear tell some company in England accepted a manuscript in longhand on paper napkins with beerstains.
And of course, it's not like you can afford it. I mean, it's not like you spend $3000 when you need a new suit. It's not like $4500 for a laptop is reasonable, when said laptop is state of the art and would have anything I could possibly need for university and work.
I know, dad, I'm just totally crazy.
I mean, how dare I ask you for something like this for my 21st birthday? It's not like I turn 21 only once, it's not like it's a milestone for me, it's not like you've never given me anything except a pair of nice shoes and a bunch of emotional scars, it's not like you owe me anything.
It's not like I ask you for material items because I know you'll never give me what I really want. It's not like you'll never give me a father's love.
So if you ever hear through the grapevine, dad, that I'm graduating with honors with a BA in Theatre, that I'm getting happily married to the love of my life, that I'm wildly successful, making tonnes of money from my various accomplishments -- if you ever hear of any of this dad, then don't bother coming to the ceremony, don't bother dropping me a line, don't bother trying to meet your new extension of family, because like all my other accomplishments, it won't have anything to do with you.
And I won't waste myself on you any more.
Take everything from the inside
and throw it all away
cause I swear for the last time I won't trust myself with you
