I want a Jack and Coke.

It's not even that I'm having a crap day - I'm not. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm just deep in a well of weakness and I am craving a Jack and Coke so hard.

Beyond that -- I am craving being a part of the culture and experiences that go with it.

I miss the days of my college drinking. I'm entering this new phase in my life where I'm actually being an adult (and no, being an adult doesn't mean you have wine with your dinner or drink otherwise; drinking alcohol is an unnecessary activity that happens to only be allowed to legal adults) and choosing more responsibly, and fuck if I don't want to give it all up.

I have been dry and sober for 7 months. I am coming to terms with the emotional roots of my alcoholism, slowly but surely. I am no where ready to go off the medication that prevents me from drinking. I am fully cognizant of this fact.

Everyday I face that I cannot drink because I live in a world where the drinking subculture has become the mainstream culture. Sometimes I worry about my loved ones, because I look at them and can clearly see behaviours that I was exhibiting when I wasn't sober. But I don't say anything, because I know what kind of reaction I'll get. It's the same reaction they would have received had they said anything to me.

Right now I can feel the burn of the Jack as it hits my throat, I can taste that horrible-and-wonderful-at-the-same-time flavour of the Jack and Coke mixing, I can feel the alcohol relax me as the caffeine in the pop pumps me up.

I can feel my feet on the dance floor and feel myself getting lost in the rhythm.

I can feel the effects of drink after drink until I'm too drunk to stand.

I can feel waking up and vowing never to do it again...only to start drinking as soon as the hangover wears off.

And I can feel this all being blindly accepted and encouraged by the culture around me.


I am encouraged now by certain people -- close friends who understand. Some of them recovering as well. Some of them just sober by personal choice, no addiction involved. Some not sober, but encouraging all the same -- and sober around me. But I fear hanging out with anyone else because if I get into a situation where I am offered alcohol by people who don't know the situation I'm in, or if I am feeling pressured....

I can't promise myself constant strength. I am a human. I am weak.



What if I break?