Roll With It

She says my ass hurts when I sit down
She says my feet hurt when I'm standing around
I think my body is as restless as my mind

And I don't know if I can roll with it this time

She packed his uniforms and drove him to the base
She was crying the whole way
The world looked her in the face
And said roll with it baby, and make it your career
Keep the home fires burning
Till America is in the clear

But the mainstream is so polluted with lies

Once you are wet it's so hard to get dry
We are all taught how to justify hissstory
As it passes by

And yes it's your world that comes crashing down

When the big boys wanna throw their weight around

But just roll with it baby, and make it your career
Keep the home fires burning
Till America is in the clear

But what if the enemy isn't in a distant land?
What if the enemy lies behind the voice of command?

The sound of war is a child's cry
Behind tinted windows they just drive by

And all I know is that those who are going to be killed
Aren't those that reside on capitol hill
I told him don't fill the frontlines of their war
Those assholes aren't worth dying for

And he said roll with it baby, and make it your career
Keep the home fires burning
Till America is in the clear

Just roll with it baby, and make it your career
Keep the home fires burning
Till America is in the clear

Just roll with it baby, and make it your career
Keep the home fires burning
Till America is in the clear

But she says my ass hurts when I sit down
She says my feet hurt when I'm standing around
I think my body is as restless as my mind
But I'm not going to roll with it this time.

No, I'm not going to roll with it this time
No, I'm not going to roll with it this time
No, I'm not going to roll with it this time.

---

Song by Ani DiFranco. Ani DiFranco is a goddess of song.

---

My Mary Sue

(because I was bored)

Name: Kimberlee de la Fleur
Eye Color: Starry Azure
Hair Color: Tousled Raven
Signature Scent: Lacy Night-Blossom
Paranormal Power: Sees the Future
Specialized Skill: Computer Hacker
Distinguishing Mark: Nipple Ring
Newly revealed relationship to a major canon character: Professor Dumbledore's Niece

(Courtesy the Mary Sue Generator at MaggieFic).

---

And I've finally accomplished it! The Side Section is now officially longer than the blog! Yay me!
Exclamation marks!

---

I've calmed down since my last entry. I did my homework. I moved the stuff I got into the house. And I slept here at the office last night, so I am sans clean clothes. I got AIM. Would you believe that the sn SailorUterus is taken? Sigh. I had to go with HolyMagicFinder. I love the generators @ 7th Sanctum.

And now I must go, because I'm blogging and iming, and while the computer can handle it, my brain can't.

--Your Universe

Grey

Like my heart.

---

I moved in my furniture at the house today, and as R had to work and couldn't make it, I just chose the bigger half of the room. Now, technically, 'bigger half' is an oxy-moron, but it's true that the room, when split down the middle, does have one side that's just a few squares of tile bigger. I have a lot of crap. So I took that side. And he will just have to deal with it, because I'm a Princess. And a spoiled one at that.

---

After moving in my stuff, my darling mom was kind enough to take me shopping. First we went to Wal-Mart, The Lair of Evils Beyond Imagining That Will Undoubtedly Make Your Soul Shrivel and Curdle and Scream in Agony, where the Christmas rush has begun in earnest. I wanted to scream. First, there's the flourescent lights, which make your eyes and your brain ache. Second, the place is full of Americans--Gaea's bad seed (excepting, of course, all the intelligent liberals who live in the blue states--and some from the red (hi, Em)). I mean, FULL of Americans. Everywhere. I couldn't walk one foot without having to stop for some fucking soccer mom to back up her fucking cart full of fucking plastic shit that neither she nor her screaming children need while she talks on her newest DeathPocket, ie cell phone, about how the zucchinis are coming in FINE, oh and is Jimmy coming over for Christmas, because last time he kind of shot the dog when he was aiming for that deer that was eating my roses, and while I'm glad he was about to kill one of God's creatures in the traditional American way of shoot first, ask questions later, don't do prayers at all because it was a HEATHEN, the kids really were fond of that dog, and she was a pain to replace, because we had to go through all the puppy stuff again, and it just made a huge mess of my Martha Stewart Every Fucking Day linens, because we had to do a bit of bloodletting for the Dark One (no, not Satan--Bush), and what I'm really saying that if Jimmy is coming over, fine, but just tell him to leave his gun at home and of course your homemade 40 proof egg nog is certainly welcome.

I fucking hate Wal-Mart and the whole "Christmas is about buying crap, not the traditional dying god myth nor the rebirth of light and the ending of the cycle at all, because Pagans don't have a right to be who they are or to believe what they believe in because they're not CHRISTIAN, DAMMIT, and ooh, that tree will go wonderfully with the other six", because that's not what the holiday season is about at fucking all, and if I see one more piece of fucking useless Christmas kistch, I'm going to fucking scream.

So, after I bought a shower curtain (plaid and blue) at Wal-Mart, we headed over to Ross to see if they had that over the door coat hanger thingy, because I thought it would be great for our room, except when I saw it a few days ago I didn't have any cash, so I thought I'd go back for it, and of course IT WAS GONE, and Ross was like "YOU LOSE", so I said fuck it and bought some pastries and Milano cookies and a coffee drink from Safeway before we headed over to K-Mart, which was not crowded at all, and was, aside from the 20 foot snowman in the entryway and the field of about 15 trees at the back of the store, relatively Christmas Free. It was a really nice experience, actually, because I didn't feel like a caged liberal who had to do her buying quickly and get out of there before they found her and gave her a lobotomy for thinking her own thoughts, like I did in Wal-Mart. I had a nice leisurely shop, and I found a twin foamie mattress for my room, and some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sheets + pillow that I told Mom to get me for Yule/Hanukkah, and she said ok, and then for myself I bought (aside from the mattress which was a steal at $60) a TMNT placemat--vinyl, no less--and something that I've wanted since I was a little girl, when they were still a left-over 80s fad: an 80s-style Caboodles plastic make-up carrier, in purple. Oh, I was happy with that.

Then we went and got a Jamba Juice, because STRONG UKRAINIAN WOMEN DRINK THE JAMBA, but it wasn't the Jamba at the mall so I didn't get to check out that cute girl behind the counter. I satisfied myself with scaring the crap out of the workers at the Jamba we did go to.

And then we went home and I've been here ever since.

---

Ok, so I've decided something today: FUCK CHRISTMAS. All the goddamn (yes, godddamn, because no one ever asked Jesus what he wanted for his flipping birthday, now did they?) holiday has ever been for me has been hell. Somehow, it's always been ruined, and usually by the token males in my life. Either it was my father yelling at me till I threw up my Christmas dinner when I was two or slamming the door in my face last year on Christmas Eve when I was trying to spend the day with him and sobbing, or that asshole Peter J. Russell, and I put his full name in here so that if you ever meet him (about six foot, curly blond hair, white), you can kill him, sending me a letter on Yule, which is what my Pagan life celebrates and is a few days before Christmas, which is what my non-Pagan life celebrates, telling me that it's all over between us when it never fucking began. Seems that 95% of the Christmases that I've had have been spent sobbing in a corner somewhere before drowning my sorrows in a funny Billy Bob Thorton movie and then going back to sobbing for the rest of the winter break.

So, yes, I hate Christmas, and frankly, I don't think anyone should be celebrating it at all when there is a war going on, or did no one think about the Iraqis dying miserable deaths in holy cities, their women and children slaughtered by American soldiers, and American soldiers slaughtered in Bush's Quest for Oil? Unlike Link's Quest for Ass, this quest is nothing to laugh at. And Americans have the gall to ignore the sufferings of other peoples and go on their merry way, because hey, the war isn't being fought on American soil!

The last war fought on American soil was the Civil War--over a hundred years ago. We've forgotten what real wartime is like. We've forgotten what it's like to suffer at the hands of an invading army. And in forgetting, we inflict that pain on others.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect---far from it. And I'm not saying that I'm going to live in depression because of what's happening in other parts of the world until the bad stuff stops, because if I did that I'd never be happy. What I'm saying is this: it seems that no one realizes the real issues at hand here, and they will go along blindly with whatever's decided because, in the immortal[ly stupid] words of Britney Spears, "We should trust the President with whatever he decides," until this country has none of its original values intact. Remember, America was founded on dissent and by people trying to break away from a tyrant. That's a far cry from what's happening now.

So, I boycott the traditional Christian Christmas and the BUYBUYBUY!!! of the season. I am getting one or two gifts for my closer friends and family, and not because the TV tells me to. I do it in honor of the gifts the Three Wise Men gave Baby Jesus on his [supposed] birthday, in honor of the spirit of giving that this season should be about--and in that giving, I will give my love and my prayers to the people dying in Iraq, when they should be having a peaceful holiday season (and that includes Ramadan).

---

And now, for your enjoyment, Felicity Artemis' take on Jesus Spinning in the Grave:

I've done some soulsearching and I thought that since Christmas is Jesus' birthday and everything, maybe we should just ask Jesus what he thinks of an economic boycott of Christmas, and so I meditated and prayed for his guidance. I asked him what he thought, and he spoke to me thus:
Quoth Jesus:

"I am of woman born. I came to this world through her glorious grace as she swelled and opened and brought me forth from the womb of her. I was bathed in the blood and the body of the Mother of Life as I came in. She is the first I will ever know and I am blessed to the heavens for this gift, this life. Red is the blood of Creation. All my blessed life I squirmed and walked and danced naked upon the fertile green wonder beneath my feet, this place, this home, this belly warm. Green is the blood of the plants that sustain all Life.

Quite honestly, I love the red and the green, but I don't like Christmas, even though I'm Jesus and it's my birthday and everything. I know you all mean well, but it really bothers me...

For one thing, no one ever asks me what I want for Christmas. Don't you even want to know what I want? Okay, I'm gonna tell you. Maybe if I do then finally I might get my Christmas wish. Here it is: I want people to stop dropping bombs on each other in my name. Do you hear me? I want the warmongering profiteers to stop pillaging and sucking the lifeblood out of earth-based, indigenous peoples, turning them into fodder for corporate machinery to continue to produce more and more things that are designed to be thrown away. I pray thee, not in my name! I never gave my blessings upon these acts. It makes me sad and sick.

Speaking of sadness and sickness, another thing I want for Christmas is: I want off this fucking cross, okay? Jesus! Isn't it enough already? Don't you want to move on? How can you affix your gaze upon the symbol of my ghastly torture and think you can just go off and have a nice day. Don't you see that you create from that upon which you focus? If you can get rid of this ghoulish necrophilic visual, you can finally free my immortal soul from this perpetual torture, and then maybe you can see my true nature and hear what it is I really came here to say. Hello! No seriously, if you love me, you will take me down off of this thing. It's what I want for
Christmas, for god's sake, it's the holidays, I feel like dancing, wanna drink some eggnog...

This Christmas I want the people of the Earth to celebrate Birth, the birth of life itself and of every being as all are the children of God. I am but one sacred son, with a big reputation for telling the truth. Then may it be known that all prayers lead me to you, for you are my reflection. Behold the Kingdom of God is within you. Haven't I said that already? What part of the kingdom of God is within you don't you understand?

Your power, today, my sistren and brethren, is in the almighty dollar. If you are politically and spiritually in opposition to the heinous killing spree conducted to advance the values of corporate capitalism, blood for oil, the spread of western monoculture, a McDonald's in every village, all must now buy seeds from Monsanto that are engineered so they cannot turn a second crop... If you are strong enough to hold yourselves accountable for your part upholding the system that is essentially a suicide pact, then this Christmas you will use the almighty dollar as a tool of conscious evolution.

For Christmas, I, the Lord Jesus Christ, wish to see an economic boycott of Christmas. I pray thee, stop shopping! Make my Christmas wish come true by not buying presents, withdraw your support of the economic system that is holding you and me and the whole world hostage. Don't use gas to drive around shopping, chill at home with your tribe. Don't travel far and wide to visit family, just this Christmas, don't fly, just stay put for the Love of God, and redefine the family unit as those with whom you share an affinity and proximity. So that we can demonstrate to ourselves our real power to vote. Then we can sit back and watch shit come to a screeching halt. Yes! (I love upheaval...it's so full of possibility)

And now, a holiday message for you and your family from the lord Jesus Christ:

Put Your Money where your Heart is...
Boycott Christmas,
Stop Shopping!

For the love of God, for one full week...On December 25th, celebrate Birth Day, the day the people of the earth remembered that they were all the divine children of God.
And then, on January 1st at 12:00 Midnight, Celebrate the New Year 2005 as the year Americans learned how to truly vote."

Well, there you have it. It may seem farfetched, but as some of my best friends say,

"It's a tall order, but we're taller...
So let's push things forward..."

Season's Greetings,
Felicity Artemis

---

So, starting December 18th, I'm not buying anything. From anywhere. I'll stock up on Soymilk Nog the week before and celebrate Yule in style--either with my family or my friends. And, it looks like, here, because I don't think I'm going to have enough money to get my ass to Canada and then India. I'm probably going to put off Canada till Jan 15th. Which works, because then I can probably make it to the orientations for classes in Jan.

There you have it: Christmas sucks. Celebrate Yule instead. Or Ramadan. Or Kwanza, or Hanukkah, or NOTHING. Celebrate the fact that you're alive on Goddess's green earth, that you have your health, and that you're not dying a miserable death in Fallujah, American or Iraqi. Isn't that enough, for Christ's sake?

--Your Entirely Bitter Universe

Opening Theme -- FFXI

I mended my jeans today using fabric from a shirt that was longsleeved and is not anymore. Now my jeans and my shirt match. (For those who don't know: my jeans had a huge rip in a strategic place that made it necessary for me to wear boxers. Now that rip is plaid.)

---

Talking to my brother right now, actually. I haven't talked to him in ages, so this is nice. He just started another RPG game which is listed in the Online Games section I just added to my Stuff section. I'm joining up. And the game can use some more players, so if you're into that, go for it.

---

The boys moved some more stuff into the house today, and on Friday R and I are going to go and decide on how to split up our room.

---

And now I have to go, b/c the crap computer I'm on can't handle me blogging and iming at the same time.


--The Universe

Trickle Down

Names and what they mean

From the Harry Potter universe:

Harry: Army Ruler
Ron: Advisor to the King
Hermione: Earthy
Lucius: Bringer of Light
Sirius: Sparkling, Scorching
Neville: New Town
Ginny: Pure, Virginal
Tom [Riddle]: A twin
George: Farmer
Fred: Peaceful Ruler
Draco: Dragon
Minvera: Goddess of Wisdom

From Friends:

Monica: Advisor
Chandler: Candle-maker
Ross: Peninsula
Rachel: Innocent Lamb
Joey: God Will Increase
Phoebe: Bright, Shining One

From Family Guy:

Peter: A Rock
Lois: Good
Meg: Pearl
Chris: Christ-bearer
Brian: Strong One
Stewie: Keeper of the Estate


Random:

Jag: The Universe
Susan: Lily
Jules: Youthful
Mari: Wished-for Child
Mary: Bitter
Jesus: God Will Help
Wolfgang: Path of the Wolf
Adolfo: Wolf
Ivan: God is Good
Pierce: A Rock
Kaylee: Who Is Like God
Alex: Protector of Mankind
Ryan: Young Royalty
Priscilla: Ancient
Augusta: Venerable
August: Revered, Exalted
Jacoba: Supplant
Rena: Joy
Charley: Manly, Farmer
Gerry: Spear-Warrior
Eva: Giver of Life
Kira: Dark Lady
Eric: Honorable Ruler
Alana: Peaceful, Serene

courtesy: http://www.birthdayalarm.com/name

Some of these are names of people I know in real life. Only those people will know that I'm talking about them, however, because I haven't mentioned their names on this site. Tricksy Universe, that's me!

--Jag.

Rock Paper Scissors

I promised myself I wouldn't bring it up anymore, but here it is: more psycho roomie bs. I can understand if you'd rather not read about it, so just skip if it sickens you.

Somehow, she found out that I'd posted about our fight on my blog, and so she asked Ashen for the address. Ashen wouldn't give it to her, because it's over, and she'd just be dredging up what's dead and gone to pick more fights about it, and Ashen didn't want that. "Look, she needed to vent, and she did, and it's over--she doesn't talk about it anymore. It's the past," said Ashen. So my psycho ex-roomie yells at Ashen because, apparently, Ashen was just doing 'what was convienent for her' or something. So. Any possibility there was, however small, of rebuilding our friendship, is now gone. And the dinner/mediation thing is not happening. What's the point? I'm living with the boys as of Dec 1st, and there's no conflict btwn me and Ashen or her roommate.


So, the boys moved in the couch today. I need to sew up the arm and they need to wash the pillows, and then it will be sit-able. We're getting an entertainment center, and I'm moving in my TV and VCR. As soon as R and I go to the place together, we'll decide which half of the room is his and which half is mine. There are about three ways to divide it.


I have to go home and bake a cake or two, so adieu.

wow, I rhyme.

--Jag

Last Battle -- Original Sin

Maybe I should put the artist as well as the song title.

***

Finished the Black Jewels Trilogy this morning. Cried a bit. Can't wait for Dreams Made Flesh to come out in Feb/05. It's so...wonderful....uh. *brain overloads from the wonderfulness*

***

The boys and I found a place today and signed for it. I owe R my share of the deposit, which will be in my bank account tomorrow. Begging is a full time job.

***

And now I need to go, because my brain just fizzed and stopped working.

--Jag

The Legend of Zelda by the Rabbit Joint

Doesn't the phrase "Rabbit Joint" conjure up wonderful mental pictures?

***

OK. I'm in love. With the Black Jewels Trilogy. Oh, Goddess, it's a wonderful series. *leg starts thumping ground* When Daemon and Lucivar have that rift but then they fix it and they hug and it's so SWEET! AUGH! Or this: Jaenelle: "I'm not sure what it is about the positions in variation twenty-seven that give the male the advantage, but I'm sure I'll figure it out." It makes me giggle. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't worry--it's not what you think.)

I have stopped reading at this point, however, because I know what happens in the next chapter and I'm delaying it for as long as possible. Part II of Queen of the Darkness. I've been reading about 300 pages a day. Easy with this series.

So. I am now actively trying to become the Sadist. I want to be suave like Daemon. Suave and flipping frightening. See, most readers want the Sadist. I want to be the Sadist. Slight distinction.

On a counter-note, if I were a character in this world, I would be a Gray-Jeweled Eryien Warlord Prince. Not a female. No. I would be an Eyrien warrior. A Warlord Prince.

***

Now that I'm done gushing, on to other things. I'm on chapter 21 of my novel, where Ghia blushes. (This doesn't happen often, folks. Ghia's not a blusher.) And I'm toying with the idea of making Jules a virgin. That would be fun. Ideas...floating in my brain...crashing into each other.

***

My computer has decided it doesn't like any kind of net connection, not just the one at school. Not wireless, not dial-up, nothing. I'm going to fix it with a hammer.

***

Did a spell last night. Mom got me the herbs. It worked out. Except for the billowing smoke that almost choked me to death and the fact that I stumbled on every word. Just a good thing I got the charcoal off the porch.

***

Next summer, I'm thinking about going back to Camp La Jolla. I need to get my body back into burn mode. 5 weeks of steady exercise + a 1700 cal a day diet will do it. Then I'm actually going to keep the weight off. Not like last time.

***

I need to go, because Mom's frothing.

--Jag

Real Emotion

Some days I feel like I'm the only one in the world who cries about the events that take place in Final Fantasy X. And I haven't even finished the game. I'm on Yunalesca, who is a bitch to beat. I beat her first two forms, got up to answer the phone, came back to the Game Over music. Which is way too upbeat. Despite not finishing the game yet (which will change when I move in with the guys, cause R has a PS2), I know what happens in the end and the sequel, because, as always, I have friends who really need to tell me. Not like I hadn't figured it out. It was the only sensible option, really, once the scene at the Al Bhed Home happened. I still would have liked to figure it out anyway. At any rate, just thinking about the love there makes me tear up...and not just at the whole Tidus/Yuna relationship, but at the other characters' personal angsts. When they're at the Farplane and Lulu says, "You always said I looked grumpy, but those were the happiest days of my life," I just lose it and bawl. Inside. And the music. The MUSIC. Oh, Goddess, the music makes my heart wrench. 1000 no kotoba, the Zanarkand theme, Real Emotion, the Hymn of the Fayth--augh! My poor heart. It can't take the strain.

***

*Note* Do not read the following paragraph if you're tired of the whole 'psycho roommate from hell' situation. I need to vent some more, but I don't necessarily need to inflict it on you guys, my faithful readers.

I'm staying at the suite one more night. Mom doesn't want me here, for some strange reason. Might be the animal sacrifices, I don't know.... At any rate, I'm going to her place tomor...tonight, as it's 4 am. Again. Funny how that happens. Got a call from a neighbor at the dorms tonight, K. He says they miss me, and that it's not as fun without me. True or not, I'm like, tell that to my roommate. Speaking of the devil, she and I are giving each other the silent treatment. Not that I care. I know that when someone keeps on talking about something, it's usually a sign that s/he cares---but with me it's still just lingering anger. Not caring--anger. As far as I'm concerned, she is no longer my friend. She is my ex-friend. And that's too bad, because I did like her, and I did enjoy hanging out with her. But the fact is that she needs lessons in anger management and little things like tact, because even before this whole thing she hurt my feelings too many times to count. (Not just mine, actually, but that's not my area of expertise.) And somehow, in some weird way, she thinks it's healthier to not vent one's feelings verbally and to just bottle them up until one does something like, I don't know, flinging furniture. Sorry. I prefer the sane way of doing things.

I don't think I've ever been angrier at someone. Not even my dad.

***

Speaking of. Ok. I've changed my college plans once more, but I'm really hot on this plan, whereas on the other plans it was just sort of, 'better than nothing'. My new plan is to get an AA at MCC and then apply to the School of the Museum of Fine Arts, an arts school in Boston, MA. I can spend 4 years in their Diploma Program doing whatever classes I want because that degree has no academic requirements. Four years of freedom. Dad's been pressuring me to move to the mainland and to go to a 'real' university. I figure--he says he'll pay for it, so why not? So I call him. He doesn't like it because I haven't 'proven' myself. He suggests I do what my sister did: work instead of going to school. He fails to notice that my sister already had her MA in Art History when she did this, and is now traipsing around Africa looking at gorillas and the like. So, long and short, I'm going, I don't give a crap what my dad says, and even if he won't pay the 25,700 for it--I'll work for it. Waitressing/prostituting.

In other father news, I told him that I'll be living with 3 guys starting Dec 1. Strangely enough, no papping noises signalling cerebral breakdown came over the phone. He asked me all sorts of questions, which I answered and basically ended with, "I trust them, Dad, they're very trustworthy, very nice guys." To which he answered, "Well, I guess if you trust them, it's ok." And he even offered to fly out here to help us get situated.

Weird.

***

I'm rereading The Black Jewels Triolgy and falling in love with it all over again. I bought myself a copy of it in one volume--an early Yuletide gift to myself. Now if I can just get X-Files--all the seasons + the movie--and Neon Genesis Evangelion on DVD, I'll be happy as a clam in...chowder. Damn. Bad analogy. I digress. Again. I spent this week's food money on books and gifts for people. Stupid? Yes. Fun? Definitely. Hungry? Oh yeah. And now, of course, after spending all my money, I realize I need some herbs for a spell that I'm doing on Friday. Herbs I don't have. Herbs I need to buy. Herbs I don't have the money for until Saturday, when I get my weekly beggar's check. (Technically, Friday, but I won't be able to access it in time and get the herbs.) So it looks like I'll be borrowing some cash from someone. I'll hit up Rs. See what he says.

***

On the subject of Friends (we weren't, but now we are), I totally think that Joey and Chandler should hook up. That's my hankering for yaoi speaking: I just watched one episode where they kissed on New Year's, and one where they made a committment by buying a table. They're perfect. ...:sigh:

***

And now, it's 4:20am, so I have to go do amazing things.

Namaste,
Jag

Dead Rain

Funny how the names of the songs I'm listening to as I write my entries kinda seem to fit with whatever's going on in my life or the weather.

Well, I haven't moved out of the dorms, basically because there's really no place for me to live until Dec. 1, when R and I move into the place and wait for Rs and I to join us. Rs, I, and I (whee, that's confusing, but I don't want to put my friends' full names in my blogs because that wouldn't be respecting their privacy) went looking for places to live today. We found two great 2br/1ba apartments. The one that's more expensive doesn't have a great view, but it does have a washer and dryer and dishwasher. The cheaper one has a wonderful view and a huge porch. Trade-offs, trade-offs. I digress. While I haven't moved out of the dorms per say, I'm not staying there right now. My things are, but I'm not. I'm staying in the suite next to my mom's office just up the street. There's a bed, a kitchen, a bathroom, and a computer and place to do my work. So I won't even consider staying at the dorms until the mtg I have on Friday with my dormmates, when we talk out this little fiasco. Even then, it's iffy. I don't feel safe there at all, and it's kinda crucial for a domestic violence survivor to feel safe. And no, I'm not doing the 'victim' thing. It's a fact. Besides...I think they'll miss me when I move all the stuff I got for the suite out of the suite--like the garbage can, the decor, the lamps, the lampshades, the shower curtain (on second thought, I think I'll leave that...it's moldy), among other things. She wanted her vengance, so I get mine: no more fringes for you, roomie!

Yes, I am decidedly evil. The thing is that I don't really feel appreciated for all I've done for our room, so I'd like to see how much she appreciates me now that my stuff is leaving. I do kind of feel bad for the innocents--my sister and her roomie--but I'm sure they'll survive, and I'm sure they understand it's not against them. If they didn't, they do now.

Well, as I'm starving and behind in classwork, I'm off to eat and study, and then maybe watch Friends.

--Jag

simple and clean

Apparently my roommate didn't study Freud too closely in psych class: "Catharsis is not an effective way to get rid of aggression/anger." This was all too clear when I waked up at about 1 pm on Saturday to find all the living room furniture overturned. I asked why she did it. "Oh, well, it felt good for me to be the one making the mess for once." Ok. I am messy. I admit it. So is my sister. We're both messy slobs. But it's not because we're mean-spirited, or because we can't recognize a mess when we see it--it's because we're absent-minded flakes. Which is okay, because it's something we're working on. We don't make messes because we don't like her, or because we're participating in a violent act of revenge. We do it because we are stupid despite our intelligence in other matters.

Now, I don't care what anyone else says, but to overturn furniture because there was some food in the sink that hadn't gone down the garbuerator yet and a bit of food on the floor that we honestly didn't notice is an act of domestic violence. I know. I grew up in a domestic violence situation, and that is exactly the same kind of shit my dad would pull: throwing furniture over one little thing. Because I grew up in a domestic violence home, I have violent tendencies--which I have been working on quite a deal. Therapy helps, and so does my own all-consuming need to not be like my father. I've learned certain skills to help me to deal with these situations. One of them is to leave. Every warrior instinct in my blood cries out for a fight to the death, but that's not really helpful or productive. I've found that a cooling off period is helpful and productive. So, I cleaned up the mess she made before heading to the mall to cool off. (I had to go somewhere, and the mall is the shortest bike ride away.) I hadn't really said anything--I'd just cleaned in silence. After I was finished waiting to use the bathroom to shower, however, she decided to pick a fight.

"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

"Well, I wasn't the one who cleaned."

"Yeah. I know."

"It certainly didn't take as long to clean up as one of your messes. I was going to get to it eventually. You know--like you do."

"Vengenance doesn't suit you. I'm glad I'm moving out." *slams bathroom door with enough force to rattle teeth*

My slamming of the bathroom door was the only violent act I committed in response to her bullshit. When I got out of the shower, there was a note on the door (which she'd taken the care to type out for me) that said (I'm paraphrasing because it was over 12 hrs ago and I can't remember exactly) "We all have aspects of the Goddess inside us, so don't be surprised if someone lashes out with vengance when she has been the one showing the Goddess's compassion." Basically, "It's ok because the god within me said it was!" The same juvenile bullshit the Fundies come up with. I didn't say anything. I went to the mall with my sister until sunset. I was still livid four or five hours later. I still am, and it's 4am. When we got home, my roommate acted like nothing happened.

Because I was still angry, I used my anger to start cleaning. When she talked to me, I said, "I'm still angry." Which started the knock-down drag-em-out non-physical fight that lasted until my mom arrived to pick me up (my net connection is down at home so I had to come here to do my schoolwork) and past that point. I don't remember exactly all of what was said, but I know she said it in that same snippy bitchy voice that she uses to sound superior. My voice was sarcastic and steadily rising. At one point she said, "Sarcasm doesn't suit you." I replied with, "Yeah, well, being a bitch doesn't suit you, so I guess we all make mistakes." I decided I'm moving out. I'm going to store my stuff there until the end of the semester and go and find a place to live now. I was planning on moving out next semester anyway; I'll just do it sooner. And the good thing about that is that I'll be living with 3 mentally stable people.

I'm not saying I'm all right in this whole fracas. I'm just as wrong as she is. But I did not lose my temper. I yelled, but that's not me losing my temper. Me losing my temper ends with other people losing their limbs or one of their five senses. And that's not a threat--it's the sad truth, and I wish it weren't. I try like hell to be a pacifist, but I am a naturally violent person, and it is hard to change one's inclinations. I'd like to think that I am in more control of my emotions than other people my age. I'm certainly more in control than she is.

Because here's the thing: she thinks that everything she did is right, and everything I did is wrong. She can't admit to her wrongs at all. I can. I know I'm wrong. I also know that she's wrong. And I can admit that--like an adult.

But then again, maybe I shouldn't have expected adult behavior from one who believes in the pipe dream of Anarchy and people being governed by their morals. Sure. It's a nice thought. It's not going to happen, as one can see by the example above. She certainly isn't governed by her morals.

Just a good thing I followed my morals and sense of justice today, otherwise she'd be dead and I'd be writing this from prison.

__________________________________________________________________

I'm not allowing comments on this. It's something I needed to say. I feel a bit better. I'm still angry. And as it's almost dawn, I'm going to bed.

--Jag.

ojos de brujo

Hope you all voted.

Not that it bloody matters.

Hrmmm...random updates from the world of ME.



--a friend is lending me final fantasy eight so i can finish the damn thing
--i just spent the past 20 hours or so cleaning....and i'm still not done. it's pathetic: i have to begin spring cleaning in november in order to finish by the end of may.
--i'm angry about something or other, but i don't recall what it is....
--i got my work in on time. for once.

and now i have to go, because my computer's internet connection stopped working permanently and i'm using my neighbor's computer.

namaste
jagged