Now, I don't care what anyone else says, but to overturn furniture because there was some food in the sink that hadn't gone down the garbuerator yet and a bit of food on the floor that we honestly didn't notice is an act of domestic violence. I know. I grew up in a domestic violence situation, and that is exactly the same kind of shit my dad would pull: throwing furniture over one little thing. Because I grew up in a domestic violence home, I have violent tendencies--which I have been working on quite a deal. Therapy helps, and so does my own all-consuming need to not be like my father. I've learned certain skills to help me to deal with these situations. One of them is to leave. Every warrior instinct in my blood cries out for a fight to the death, but that's not really helpful or productive. I've found that a cooling off period is helpful and productive. So, I cleaned up the mess she made before heading to the mall to cool off. (I had to go somewhere, and the mall is the shortest bike ride away.) I hadn't really said anything--I'd just cleaned in silence. After I was finished waiting to use the bathroom to shower, however, she decided to pick a fight.
"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?"
"I don't know, you tell me."
"Well, I wasn't the one who cleaned."
"Yeah. I know."
"It certainly didn't take as long to clean up as one of your messes. I was going to get to it eventually. You know--like you do."
"Vengenance doesn't suit you. I'm glad I'm moving out." *slams bathroom door with enough force to rattle teeth*
My slamming of the bathroom door was the only violent act I committed in response to her bullshit. When I got out of the shower, there was a note on the door (which she'd taken the care to type out for me) that said (I'm paraphrasing because it was over 12 hrs ago and I can't remember exactly) "We all have aspects of the Goddess inside us, so don't be surprised if someone lashes out with vengance when she has been the one showing the Goddess's compassion." Basically, "It's ok because the god within me said it was!" The same juvenile bullshit the Fundies come up with. I didn't say anything. I went to the mall with my sister until sunset. I was still livid four or five hours later. I still am, and it's 4am. When we got home, my roommate acted like nothing happened.
Because I was still angry, I used my anger to start cleaning. When she talked to me, I said, "I'm still angry." Which started the knock-down drag-em-out non-physical fight that lasted until my mom arrived to pick me up (my net connection is down at home so I had to come here to do my schoolwork) and past that point. I don't remember exactly all of what was said, but I know she said it in that same snippy bitchy voice that she uses to sound superior. My voice was sarcastic and steadily rising. At one point she said, "Sarcasm doesn't suit you." I replied with, "Yeah, well, being a bitch doesn't suit you, so I guess we all make mistakes." I decided I'm moving out. I'm going to store my stuff there until the end of the semester and go and find a place to live now. I was planning on moving out next semester anyway; I'll just do it sooner. And the good thing about that is that I'll be living with 3 mentally stable people.
I'm not saying I'm all right in this whole fracas. I'm just as wrong as she is. But I did not lose my temper. I yelled, but that's not me losing my temper. Me losing my temper ends with other people losing their limbs or one of their five senses. And that's not a threat--it's the sad truth, and I wish it weren't. I try like hell to be a pacifist, but I am a naturally violent person, and it is hard to change one's inclinations. I'd like to think that I am in more control of my emotions than other people my age. I'm certainly more in control than she is.
Because here's the thing: she thinks that everything she did is right, and everything I did is wrong. She can't admit to her wrongs at all. I can. I know I'm wrong. I also know that she's wrong. And I can admit that--like an adult.
But then again, maybe I shouldn't have expected adult behavior from one who believes in the pipe dream of Anarchy and people being governed by their morals. Sure. It's a nice thought. It's not going to happen, as one can see by the example above. She certainly isn't governed by her morals.
Just a good thing I followed my morals and sense of justice today, otherwise she'd be dead and I'd be writing this from prison.
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I'm not allowing comments on this. It's something I needed to say. I feel a bit better. I'm still angry. And as it's almost dawn, I'm going to bed.
--Jag.
I'm not allowing comments on this. It's something I needed to say. I feel a bit better. I'm still angry. And as it's almost dawn, I'm going to bed.
--Jag.
