You would have been thirteen today.
I feel like I've lost a daughter.
And I have. I have lost a daughter. I raised you for twelve years and ten months. I was with you for most of my life, and you were with me since you were old enough to leave your real mother and your brothers and sisters, furry bundles of joy to other peoples houses.
You were my bundle of joy. The only one I had in a bleak universe. You were what made it all worth it. When the going got really, really, tough, I kept myself alive not for mom, not for my grandparents, and not for my friends--but for us, because I knew that if I killed myself, I'd never see you again, and you'd be without your mistress.
When no one else could stand me, when even my ever-tolerant mother hated me, and when I was the biggest asshole on the face of the planet, you stood by me. Even when I dyed your fur purple. (And I stand by that--it looked really good.)
You never left me. All my pushing away, all my trying to prove that my worst depressions had me right, all my trying and trying to be unlovable so I could play the victim--and you never stopped loving me. You proved me wrong, and for that I am so fucking grateful.
You reminded me that there is light everywhere, that I just have to look in the right places. You reminded me that I am loved by some semblance of divinity, and that I won't be deserted by that becuase you'd always be there. Even if I knew you wouldn't /always/ be there, I knew that we'd be together, even when apart, and that in the end, you wouldn't die alone. You'd be with your pack. You'd be with your loved ones.
How fucking wrong I was.
And now, with you gone, I can't imagine being lovable again. I can't imagine taking another step forward, because all I want to do is to go back--back to when you were still with me.
Back to when I was still with you. Those words I didn't say often enough haunt me, because now I'll never be able to say them again.
I love you. I love you more than I love my friends, more than my family, more than any man that I've given my heart to (there have been a lot, and none of them worthy). I love you more than all the suns and moons and stars in the universe. I love you more than I love life itself. I love you more than I love me. You were the only one who made me happy. You were the only furry bundle of joy in my life that stayed.
You were my universe. And now you're gone.
