Back to the real world

The weekend is almost over and my boyfriend is back home and back to work. I now have a working laptop thanks to him, which means I can do my homework anywhere. Life will be easier. Hopefully.

I am working on said homework right now, and cleaning my room and cooking. Might speed up the last two and go over to Everything Nice's place to do homework there -- somehow I concentrate better when I'm not home (hrrrmmmmm).

This week I have a presentation, late papers to turn in, a final, and a business trip down to the States (joy! rapture! don't taze me TSA!). I have realized I'm totally burned out on Theatre and wish to quit, and so I am doing so.* I'm not taking Theatre next semester; instead I'm going to focus on my First Nations studies and finish that degree. Which, of course, means I'm probably putting off my move to Vancouver...again. That's okay, though. Probably a good thing. I don't want to rush it and then get into a bad sitch (specifically, being dependent on boyfriend --- read, how to ruin a relationship).

Overall feeling a bit better than I was a few days ago. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and it's a real struggle to keep myself happy during the winter. Even with the happy pills and the wonderful boyfriend and great best friend and awesome mom. I'm in my head too much.

Anyway. Back to work. I'm starting to enjoy being a publisher.


*The theatre program, that is. I'm done with doing theatre as a schoolwork thing. I do want to get into actually working in theatre, and that's something different.

4am and I can't sleep

It is really cold here right now. It's snowy and windy and I -- I am freezing. I cannot sleep, I am so cold. I also am dealing with a bought of insomnia. Depending on how long I'm up for, I may try and pull an all-nighter with naps throughout the day. Which sucks, but I do have to be up early to take the cat in to the vet's for her spaying appointment, so I can't afford to sleep in.

I am really hoping school is closed tomorrow. I'm sick, and I do not wish to really leave the house unless it is necessary. Also I want to, I don't know. Write or knit or something. I've been feeling a nudging lately to do more writing, in blogs, or my novel. I just never have ANY FREAKING TIME but whatever, work is good too. I do need to get in 15 hours before the 1st if I wish to make rent.

Of course, getting paid the money I'm owed would be nice too, but I'm not holding my breath. (Someday, I'll never ever have to talk about my financial issues again because I won't have any. This is going to happen. I just have to work hard and be patient.)

Anyway. Want to hear what's awesome? What's awesome is that on Thursday morning I get to pick up my boyfriend from the ferry terminal and he'll be here till Sunday evening (I think). That's what's awesome.

Even if Thanksgiving dinner doesn't happen this weekend (which it may not, finances/time/health being what they are), even if I continue to get bogged down under my SAD (which, hello, acting up again), even if anything else happens that could potentially suck -- my boyfriend will be visiting me this weekend. As he makes me happy in a million different ways, this means my weekend will be awesome.

Also, I found my favorite dairy-free ice cream at a nearby Save-On. Reasons to celebrate, people. You have to keep looking for them and holding on to them, or you'll be so mired in the muck you'll forget what it was to be dry.

Holy crap!

Awesome boyfriend alert!

Showed me this: The best knitted skeleton you'll see in a while | Daily Dawdle.

Knitted. Skeleton.

Coolest thing I have ever seen. I want the pattern so I can put it on my list of "Things I will someday have the skill to do maybe perhaps". I would so knit myself one of those. I would knit one for my kids and test them on the bones of the body with it. (IDEA: embroider the names of each bone on each of the bones! Or use intarsia.)

That is just. Oh. Oh my. So so awesome.

I am now itching to knit something. Later on today, after I have finished work and homework, I will break out my needles. Yes.

So. Fucking Knitting, man.

The other day Everything Nice and I went to a thrift store, because they had a box outside with a sign that said "Free Books" and honestly how can you expect me to resist that.

Found one book (a literary journal). Went inside to look at stuff and...oh, man. Best thrift store ever. I got a full basket of stuff and I only paid 20 dollars total -- for niiiiicce stuff. Got some things for my altar that I needed (a silver chalice among them), some very beautiful scarves, a black pleather purse (I needed something for when I go out -- backpack is just not very classy), and -- this is the most exciting part -- circular knitting needles. I got six of them for 75 cents. TOTAL.

Those things run from six to twelve dollars APIECE in your LYS. At this thrift store they're 12.5 cents apiece.

I restricted myself to buying 6, but there were more. I think I'll go back there next week and pick up the rest of them. You can never have enough circular knitting needles.


And related to this post, what I would love love love looooove for SolsticeXmasHanuKwanza (I'm an equal opportunity receiver of gifts) is an interchangeable knitting needle set. Knit Picks has some really lovely ones (my preference is the wood one -- because I'm expensive, natch. Also because I love knitting with wood needles).  There are also the Denise sets and probably a few other brands -- I think there's a Boye but I don't have a link. All have their pros and cons -- bottom line, however, is that a set of interchangeable knitting needles would be so helpful to me and my projects. I wish to start knitting again as things slow down this winter. I have a few projects to finish (this one and this one), but I'd like to start working with circulars more.

ANYway. Not begging, or nothing. JUST SAYIN. So if, you know, you know someone who wants to spend that much on me...AWESOME. :)

zomg!healthy relationship -- follow-up

No, nothing major has changed. Just thought I'd do this little exercise for fun.

Best friend has been reading Frog or Prince (I think that's the title) and doing the exercises within as part of her self-work on getting away from guys who are bad news for her. I'm very proud of her in this endeavour, and in her blogging endeavour because I think blogging personal stuff to the internet is one of the best ways of processing your own shit, instead of bottling it up. That's why I've been doing it for the past 6 years.

So. From Chapter 5: Frog Boot Camp, is this list of questions.

1. Can I tell him what I really feel-my deepest darkest secrets?
2. Can I forgive him when his actions make me really angry?
3. Are a lot of my needs being met by myself, friends and family?
4. Can I tell my best friend the good the bad and the ugly without her asking "what are you still doing with him?"
5. Can I list his two best and worst traits?
6. Can I accept his permanent frog warts?
7. Does he accept me for who I am?
8. Does he talk to me like my best friend does?

And if you answer yes to all of them -- healthy relationship. Yes to some -- pretty healthy relationship. Etc.

So. My completely honest, unflinching answers.

1. So far, yes. We're only a month in, however, and I haven't wanted to overwhelm him with the crazy. 

2. I have so far. I can't imagine him doing the very few things that will make me actually angry to the point where I make people cry and cower, convinced I'm going to kill them (I actually black out during these times, and I've been told they're really bad -- so don't make me that angry) -- I've only really been slightly irritated with him for a few things.  Again, probably too early to really tell, but so far -- he just doesn't do things that piss me off. And usually if someone is going to, that shows up fairly early. (Hello 2-week long relationships how are you doing.)

3. Yes. Absolutely. I'm not losing myself in him and I'm not going to let myself get lost in him. 

4. Yep.

5. Yes. Best trait: he's honest. Worst trait:  he's unmotivated (which is really just a nice way of saying "lazy"). Not a terribly horrible thing, honestly. Gets irritating though. 

6. Yes.

7. Yes.

8. Not exactly, seeing as different people have different speech patterns, and she and I have a different sort of relationship -- but I think this question is about respect, and yes. He does respect me. 

So, yeah. Looks like we're doing really well. He still has a few trials by fire to go through, and I'm sure I do too. But, you know, I think we're doing pretty good.

Prelude to War

Oma died at the end of August. That plus school plus being super busy and on the edge of my sanity = no blog posts for a while. I've been unable to think straight enough to form coherent sentences most days, let alone write interesting blog posts.

But things are getting better. After Oma's death I went to a thing called Pirates and Fairies -- a weekend vacation from all my worries. I met someone (I know, I know, I always "meet someone" and it's always like the most life-changing experience ever but this is completely different because shut up) and had an amazing night with him (after giving an offering at Aphrodite's shrine and asking for Her blessing -- She really delivers, just sayin'). He lives in Vancouver, so we agreed to NSA "We'll hang out sometime," whenever I visit, or something.

We've now been officially dating for a month-ish. Not sure of our actual "anniversary" and honestly the actual date doesn't matter -- it was close enough to Thanksgiving (Canadian) that that can be it, which is entirely apropos. I'm very thankful for him because, well, first healthy relationship I've been in. Hello.

This fact made starkly clear against what happened as soon as I got to school: met someone else. A jerk. Used me to get to my best friend and failed miserably, because HELLO LIKE SHE WOULD CHOOSE YOU OVER ME. It sucked because for an entire week I felt absolutely shitty about myself because I wanted to believe he was different -- and then I get home from a weekend away and find out the truth from my bestie: he's been coming on to her, "You're my ideal woman!" blah blah blah. Quite a change from the "No, this isn't about me liking your best friend more" of our break-up.

ANYway. I don't wish to dwell. I simply want to make this point: since I've been dating Fezzik*, I've realized something very important about my past relationships. It wasn't me. It was them.

Of course I'm going to be a horrible girlfriend if you treat me like shit -- my behaviour in a relationship is on a feedback loop from your behaviour. Relationships are things too close, too intimate, for this to NOT happen. It happens with family and it will happen with lovers.

Fezzik makes me feel like I'm special. This has never happened before (trufax). Oh, I've been told I'm special -- but lip service means nothing with no action to back it up. If I don't believe it, it's because I'm not getting the attention I deserve. I deserve to be treated excellently. I deserve epic romance -- by which I mean, of course, not those scripts the sweet-talkers spout, designed to make women swoon, but just plaintalk, straightforward, no bullshit. I deserve honesty and stability. I deserve my Sam Anders, not my Lee Adama (what a horrible match THAT was -- full of passion and fail).

I am now, finally, for the first time in a relationship of any sort, being treated excellently. I am getting straightforward, no bullshit, honest talk and stability -- because that is just how he is. He doesn't sweet talk. He doesn't bullshit. That's what I liked so much about him when we first met; that's why I asked him to bed me. I don't have to second guess what he says or look for hidden meanings. It just is what it is.

So when he says sweet things, I know they're honest. I know he means them. (He does, of course, Yes, dear me a bit -- but as a tease, and never on the important stuff.) And I also know I can trust him to not "let me down easy" (that's such a fucking joke euphemism -- lying to someone makes things harder than just being honest, in the long run), if it comes to that.

I found an honest man -- one who is as attracted and into me as I am to him. One I can talk to. One I don't lose myself in. One who doesn't put me down or make me feel like shit for being me. One who makes me feel smart and sexy not by a silver tongue but by honest eyes. One I am so incredibly lucky to be with, I can't begin to tell you.

And --- the sex is godsdamned incredible.

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*Names changed to protect the innocent um, slightly-less-guilty-than-some.