But things are getting better. After Oma's death I went to a thing called Pirates and Fairies -- a weekend vacation from all my worries. I met someone (I know, I know, I always "meet someone" and it's always like the most life-changing experience ever but this is completely different because shut up) and had an amazing night with him (after giving an offering at Aphrodite's shrine and asking for Her blessing -- She really delivers, just sayin'). He lives in Vancouver, so we agreed to NSA "We'll hang out sometime," whenever I visit, or something.
We've now been officially dating for a month-ish. Not sure of our actual "anniversary" and honestly the actual date doesn't matter -- it was close enough to Thanksgiving (Canadian) that that can be it, which is entirely apropos. I'm very thankful for him because, well, first healthy relationship I've been in. Hello.
This fact made starkly clear against what happened as soon as I got to school: met someone else. A jerk. Used me to get to my best friend and failed miserably, because HELLO LIKE SHE WOULD CHOOSE YOU OVER ME. It sucked because for an entire week I felt absolutely shitty about myself because I wanted to believe he was different -- and then I get home from a weekend away and find out the truth from my bestie: he's been coming on to her, "You're my ideal woman!" blah blah blah. Quite a change from the "No, this isn't about me liking your best friend more" of our break-up.
ANYway. I don't wish to dwell. I simply want to make this point: since I've been dating Fezzik*, I've realized something very important about my past relationships. It wasn't me. It was them.
Of course I'm going to be a horrible girlfriend if you treat me like shit -- my behaviour in a relationship is on a feedback loop from your behaviour. Relationships are things too close, too intimate, for this to NOT happen. It happens with family and it will happen with lovers.
Fezzik makes me feel like I'm special. This has never happened before (trufax). Oh, I've been told I'm special -- but lip service means nothing with no action to back it up. If I don't believe it, it's because I'm not getting the attention I deserve. I deserve to be treated excellently. I deserve epic romance -- by which I mean, of course, not those scripts the sweet-talkers spout, designed to make women swoon, but just plaintalk, straightforward, no bullshit. I deserve honesty and stability. I deserve my Sam Anders, not my Lee Adama (what a horrible match THAT was -- full of passion and fail).
I am now, finally, for the first time in a relationship of any sort, being treated excellently. I am getting straightforward, no bullshit, honest talk and stability -- because that is just how he is. He doesn't sweet talk. He doesn't bullshit. That's what I liked so much about him when we first met; that's why I asked him to bed me. I don't have to second guess what he says or look for hidden meanings. It just is what it is.
So when he says sweet things, I know they're honest. I know he means them. (He does, of course, Yes, dear me a bit -- but as a tease, and never on the important stuff.) And I also know I can trust him to not "let me down easy" (that's such a fucking joke euphemism -- lying to someone makes things harder than just being honest, in the long run), if it comes to that.
I found an honest man -- one who is as attracted and into me as I am to him. One I can talk to. One I don't lose myself in. One who doesn't put me down or make me feel like shit for being me. One who makes me feel smart and sexy not by a silver tongue but by honest eyes. One I am so incredibly lucky to be with, I can't begin to tell you.
And --- the sex is godsdamned incredible.
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*Names changed to protect the
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