Goodbye, Blogdrive

I am leaving Blogdrive. It is no longer as active as it once was, and I've fallen out of love with it. I still love the people, but I do not post here as much as I once did.

I will be leaving most of my blogs up, but strictly as archives. You may continue to visit at your leisure.

Those of you still interested in following my online life can find my personal blog at Scratching Post, my prose blog at Mount Impri, my poetry blog at antichrist awakening, and my Witchcraft blog at Grayheart's Grimmerie. LJ is just much easier to use. And gives me the option of making my posts private or friendslocked, which is nice.

Farewell, BD. We've had a good run.

-Jag

1000 no kotoba

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG WISDOM TEETH.

And 6610 words in Nano.

Must...reach...10k tomorrow.

Constancy

I'm feeling quite good about myself. I just wrote 2244 words on my novel, and finished Chapter One (4365 words total). Tomorrow I plan to start Chapter 2 and hopefully write another 4000 words, as I'm about 5835 behind right now.

Catch up is fun!

You can head over to my Nano blog at http://evlockenano.blogdrive.com or at http://evlocke.livejournal.com -- they both have the same stuff. :) Excerpts for your reading pleasure, etc.

And now I disappear to shower.

Lucia di Lammermoor

Since coming home, I have been so exhausted, and have no reliable computer access. Sure, I can use one of Travis's computers, but I can't hog them. So here is my first entry since leaving Canada.

Hawaii is as I remember it, mostly. Hot. Sticky. Bad drivers everywhere. They should be shot. Some stores have closed down; others have opened up. The new dorms are still unfinished, and looking to cost $3000 a semester, if you can believe it. Freaking privatization.

Travis's room is still an unholy mess.

This is coming from me, the girl who likes to see what exactly will grow in her room when it's left to its own devices.

Enough said.

Life with Travis is wonderful, despite the ROOM FROM HELL. Endless sex, if I do say so myself -- last night a record of three consecutive times. Yes, I am just that hot. And we were about to get it on in the living room after a shower when his dad came home from work early.

*cue blush*

Can't look his father in the face now.

Ah well.

We've made a Celtic New Year's Resolution to Eat Right and Get Fit. Travis is doing great; I am made of fail. So what else is new? It's so easy to be lazy! But I am trying. Sort of. I'm giving it the old slacker try. :D

And I'm writing a novel, which you probably know from my Nanowrimo blog, Mt. Impri. Go. Read. Not like it's very good. (It's not supposed to be, dammit!)

Signing off to write.
J

Electronic Flip | M-Seven

I was just thinking how I should save my entry to Microsoft Word when it got deleted.



GOD DAMMIT. >.< style="font-weight: bold;">50 Questions I've likely never answered!


1. What's your favorite episode of Sex and the City?
The Robot Chicken Golden Girls spoof of it.
2. What's a big misconception about you?
That I'm a nice straight girl. ;)


3. If you could have a free pass from your SO, is there a celebrity that you wouldn't say no to, if they wanted to sleep with you? :
Jack Black. Or Angelina Jolie.


4. Have you ever taken an anti-depressant for its intended purposes?
Yes.


5. Do you like your neighbors?
NO.


6. What are the last 3 CD's you've listened to?
Uh. Whatever's on iTunes?


7. Have you ever had sex with more than 1 person in a single day?:
Ew.


8. What's the last food/drink purchase you wanted your money back on?
Uh. No clue.


9. Who is your favorite DAY TIME talk show host?
None.


10. Do you like "big boy toys"?
Maybe?


11. Do you sleep with your closet door open or closed?
Can't sleep, clowns will eat me.


12. Have you ever used sex to get your way in a situation?
No. That's what my boyfriend does to me. :D


13. What type of Church do you attend?
Nature.


14. Would you rather have a bucket stuck on your head or a bucket stuck on your hand for 24 hours and why?
How long would it be on my head?


15. Who did you copy this from?
7onders.


16. What is the last dead thing you saw?
No clue.

17. Do you like playing Trivia games?
Sure?


18. Can you skate on roller skates?
No.


19. What are your favorite animals?
Wolves.

20. If you had to either milk a cow for an hour or shovel cow poop with a large soup spoon for an hour, which would you choose?
Milk a cow. Done a goat before; should be easy.

21. Do you know anyone in the military?
Probably.


22. Which finger could you do without?
None.
23. Have you ever slept out on the beach before?
Not at night.


24. Do you think you've ever been abducted by aliens and just had it erased from your memory?
No, I was left here by aliens.


25. Do you know anyone who's name starts with an M who makes you laugh a lot?
Makana!


26. Do you think you would look good with a bald head?
Only if I were skinny. :(


27. How much do you pay for hair care products when it's time to buy more?
A lot.


28. How often do you go to a salon to get your hair done?
Every year and a half.


29. In 5 words or more, how would you describe the person you copied this from?
Remember, remember, the 7th oneder of Blogdrive


30. Do either of your parents have any tattoos?
Yes


31. Does your significant other/crush have any tattoos?
No. :(


32. Do you make yourself cry to get out of trouble?
No.


33. Do you believe in Secret Society's?
The Secret Society's what?


34. Do you have a bad temper?
I have a temper. Bad/good is a matter of perspective.


35. When was the last time you used the restroom?
Half an hour ago.


36. Would you rather have the ability to make time stand still and start again at your whim or to be able to fast forward time and do things over?
The first one.

37. Do you know your significant other/ ex significant other's mother's name?
Yes.


38. Do you remember your first crush's middle name?
I don't think he had one.


39. Did you used to play with all the neighborhood kids when you were young?
Sure. We played kidnap the beautiful princess then rape her in the tower. With ropes. This TOTALLY doesn't explain my current BDSM relationship.


40. What's something about feminine hygiene products that doesn't make sense to you?
WHY ARE THEY SO UNCOMFORTABLE OMG.


41. Is there any movie that you have never seen but will NOT watch no matter what?
Those Christian Apocalypse things.


42. Do you worry about burglars?
Ham-burglars.


43. Have you ever had real thoughts about suicide?
Yes. I've even attempted it.


44. Would you ever name your dog Mr. Barky Von Schnauzer?
*bursts into laughter*


45. Why do people name their kids things like Apple, Tulip, Peach, Diamonds, etc?
Because they're retarded.
46. What casino type card game do you do well at?
None.


47. Have you ever wanted to swim in a pool of Jello?
It would feel nice.


48. Have you ever physically hurt an object out of anger?
Yes.


49. Do you have a friend or family member who has a septum piercing?
I don't know....


50. What do you think of these shoes?

Pwetty. :)

Breaking News

Didja hear?

I know! Totally crazy.

Lol, actually, no. Ashen and I totally called it. Didn't we?

And in other news, that blister could be more than an allergic reaction. I don't want to say more until I know for sure, but if you could keep me in your prayers/send some healing energy my way, I'd sure appreciate it.

I'm supposed to be leaving Hicksville tomorrow and I'm no where near packed. And the dog took himself for a walk, so he may end up in the pound tomorrow. Fucker.

Gotta run and do stuff.

Nharg.

So that burning I felt?

Allergic reaction.

I have a blister in a place one should never get a blister.

So much pain.

Not fun.

Waiting for Dr to call me back and let me know a) what it was he used and b) what can I do to fix it? Because the cream I got from the other Dr is almost gone, and it hasn't made the blister go away.



AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!

There's a good reason these tables are numbered honey you just haven't thought of it yet

I just got back from the hospital. Had a Mirena IUD (intrauterine device) put in. Yay for contraceptives! Non-yay for the incredible pain I'm in.

Luckily I was sedated and slept through the whole procedure. However, I reacted badly to the prep fluid (lube, basically, and to my cunt it feels like the "tingling sensation" lube from HELL), and was completely nervous about a) the needles for the IV, and b) the tampon of DEATH applicator for the IUD. Which is why I'm glad I slept through it. :D

And my lovely co-worker agreed to work tonight for me. I owe her big-time.

So from now on (the next 5 years) I not only don't have to worry about pregnancy, but also the progesterone on the IUD will make my periods lighter and possibly make them disappear all together.


YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY.

Off to relax.

*skips off to play WoW*

ZOMGwriting

So I have joined NaNoWriMo, even though I have no computer of my own right now and probably won't by Nov. 1st.

But we all know I'm crazy.


Now I must find a plot and some characters and oh yeah a setting.

Not to mention the computer.


In other news, Immanence is weighing heavily on me. It shouldn't. I've totally stepped back from it. Or rather, I would have liked to do so. I want to turn it over to my mom.

I began as editor for the mag. I was also the website creator. That's been since turned over to Corey, my business partner. I hope to pass editor onto my mom. She's better at it anyway.

I have more to rant on this subject but now is not the time. So I'm going to grind to 34 on my Draenei Hunter and then maybe post some more.

Or not. Time will tell.

I've become so numb

Dear Dad,

I got your message. I suppose I can see how it could be construed that I want you to buy me a laptop for no other reason than to game. I mean, obviously, all I've ever done my whole fucking life is video games -- I've never gotten straight A's in High School, I've never graduated with more credits than needed because of the hundreds upon hundreds of hours I've spent in theatre, I've never been Eaton's Calendar Girl (no thanks to you, I may add), I've never held a job, I've never started a magazine, I've never started to write a novel, I've never written any poetry, I've never published a book of poetry, I've never made any films, I've never been into films, I've never had a lead role, I've never multi-tasked as actor and tech crew for a play, I've never worked hard for anything, I've never accomplished anything in my life, because I've spent all my years playing video games.

Travis too, actually, we're both big bums who just sit at home and play video games while leeching off our respective sets of parents. I certainly don't work 12 hour shifts in the liquor store and he doesn't work full time at the mall -- both of us for minimum wage. We're not in a long-distance relationship right now and so in need of some other way to unwind after work aside from the comfort of each others' arms. There's no reason for us to enjoy video games at all -- we could be doing something more productive, like killing older people in their homes then committing arson, while high on meth, then fucking right there next to the corpse for the rush it will give. That's definitely more productive than a few hours of WoW; I don't know why I didn't think of it before now.

I can also see how you would be so tired of paying for things for me -- after all, it wasn't my broke mom and oma who paid for my school laptop a few years ago, it wasn't my broke mom and oma who paid for my trip to La Jolla, it wasn't my broke mom and oma who paid for my course in Adobe Dreamweaver and Illustrator and then the software to use, it wasn't my mom and oma who supported me through college and high school, it wasn't my mom and oma who put me through the modeling course that gained me the prestige of Eaton's Calendar Girl, it wasn't my mom and oma who have been behind me every step of the way.

And of course, university students nowadays don't need computers at all to do their work, they all use typewriters. Any graphic design or website work I may get paid for wouldn't be done on a computer -- we use our pure psychic powers for that nowadays, not computers and software. And it's not like I'll have to type up my novel at any point -- I hear tell some company in England accepted a manuscript in longhand on paper napkins with beerstains.

And of course, it's not like you can afford it. I mean, it's not like you spend $3000 when you need a new suit. It's not like $4500 for a laptop is reasonable, when said laptop is state of the art and would have anything I could possibly need for university and work.

I know, dad, I'm just totally crazy.

I mean, how dare I ask you for something like this for my 21st birthday? It's not like I turn 21 only once, it's not like it's a milestone for me, it's not like you've never given me anything except a pair of nice shoes and a bunch of emotional scars, it's not like you owe me anything.

It's not like I ask you for material items because I know you'll never give me what I really want. It's not like you'll never give me a father's love.

So if you ever hear through the grapevine, dad, that I'm graduating with honors with a BA in Theatre, that I'm getting happily married to the love of my life, that I'm wildly successful, making tonnes of money from my various accomplishments -- if you ever hear of any of this dad, then don't bother coming to the ceremony, don't bother dropping me a line, don't bother trying to meet your new extension of family, because like all my other accomplishments, it won't have anything to do with you.

And I won't waste myself on you any more.


Take everything from the inside
and throw it all away
cause I swear for the last time I won't trust myself with you

Changes

So it's been a while since I've posted here.

I have had my life eaten and spit out again by the Gods of WoWCraft. Fucking videogames.

Things should be better now though. I've gotten rid of my myspace (thank the gods) and some other useless things. Trying to downsize my 'netlife is so much fun, let me tell you.

Hey Voo -- I'm going to be in Vancouver from October 18th or so to the 21st -- can we hang out? PLEASE?


And in other news, I have again chosen to post at 5:30 in the morning, so it's bedtime. Night all.

-J

wtfwtfwtf

I swear to god, people in this town just don't have any FUCKING BRAINS.



Mom and I currently have no washer and dryer. This is because the house had no w/d when we moved in, and the set we bought is sitting in the garage at the other house, waiting for our basement to be clean enough to be installed.

We also have no shower, because the plumbing dates back to 1910 and is disintegrating before our very eyes.

This pisses me off as well, but is not really part of today's rant.

Because of our lack of w/d, we must go to either our tenant's house to do laundry, the laundromat, or I have to do it while at work, using work's machines.

Well, after a few fiascoes with doing my laundry at the tenant's place (read: they thought it belonged to the previous tenant so they threw it in the garbage, then when they fished it out and said they'd wash it again and throw it in the dryer, they just left it in the washer to get moldy, and so I threw it in the dryer, but no one had told me there was no dryer vent and so their paint job was ruined, at which point I said "I'm never fucking doing this again" and stopped going up there to do my laundry) my mom assured me it was "safe" again to do my laundry there.

So I go up and put my load in.

As I'm leaving the husband comes out and I tell him that I've just put a load in, and I'll be back later to put it in the dryer and put my second load in the washer, is that cool?

"Sure."

"Cool. Then I'll be back after I'm done at the gym."

I come back after the gym.

They are no longer home.

My laundry is in its hamper, in the car port, with the detergent next to it. The wet clothing has been put into a plastic bag and is sitting on top of the dirty dry clothing in the hamper.

WHAT. THE. MOTHER. FUCK.

Did I imagine that whole conversation? Did you really tell me to shove it up my ass and I just didn't catch that part? WHY THE FUCK CAN YOU PEOPLE NOT GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD THAT I NEED MY CLOTHES TO BE CLEAN FOR WORK?


So I take the laundry home, too angry to even speak.


I go and buy clothespins and a shit load of ice cream.


And I hang the wet clothing on the line.


And here's the fucking kicker:


they didn't even let the cycle finish. One shirt was still half dry, and the rest were soaking wet.

It bothered them SO FUCKING MUCH they had to stop it beginning-mid-cycle. Couldn't let it finish. No. Had to stop NOW.







And people wonder why I'm a homicidal nutcase.

Stars

.Fire The Grid.

Was interesting. I waked up at 4am PST and did it....at first my mind wandered and I couldn't concentrate. I have problems with meditating.

But then I got into it, and (I was lying down) I saw "the grid" -- a grid of golden glowing energy, slightly above me. I reached out my hands and connected to it, and saw the whole earth encompassed in this great glowing grid of energy. My left hand was receiving energy from it, and my right hand was giving, and I saw the grid get "fired".

It was pretty fucking cool.

Anyone else participate? How was it for you? *eyebrows*

Precious

Be all that you can be.

Live to your best ability.

You're a smart girl, and I only want the best for you.

I know what's right for you, I'm your father.

I'm just trying to give you some friendly parental advice.

I think you could be so much if you didn't waste your life at your mom's place.

I'm really unhappy that you chose not to embrace your talents and get a real job--how about holding traffic signs in Vancouver?


Sounds funny, doesn't it?

It is all, to some extent, my father speaking. Not verbatim, but close enough to make no nevermind.

Tonight I attempted to tell him I want to go back to school. My goal: a degree in Theatre, possibly double-majoring in Anthropology. Then on to bigger and better things than being a liquor-store clerk and short order cook.

What every loving father would want for his uber-intelligent daughter, right?

I gave him the spiel, told him I wished to attend MCC again in January (that's in 6 months) full-time, and then again next summer, and then on to the University of Hawaii (a real University) in fall of 2008--full time. Tuition costs, et al, should be by my current rough draft estimates just under 20,000 (USD) a year. Providing I take the standard 4 years to complete my degree, that totals out to [roughly] 80,000 (USD). For a degree. For a college education. For a guarantee of a life well-lived.

Pretty cheap, by current college cost estimates. You'd think he'd go for it.

What I got in response was him saying he didn't believe me, because every time I talk to him I lie to him, and I need to get away from my mother.

1. He lies too. 2. Mom is in Powell River and I would be going back to Hawaii, which is 2700 miles away. I think that's "getting away from her".

O, well, she'd follow you there.

That's a lame excuse, Dad, because it can be used no matter where I want to go to school. It's not even a real reason.

Your mom wants to go back to Hawaii.

She doesn't. I could get a sworn affidavit saying she didn't.

I don't believe you, you lie everytime you talk to me.

The same could be said for you, dad.

Oh yeah, how do you figure?

You're a parent. Parents lie; it's fact.

FUCK YOU. *click*

Well. That was mature.


The sad thing--I'm not kidding. This was our conversation, more or less word for word.

So I'm searching for scholarships, and planning a trip to see my lawyer.

I will get my college education, despite my asshole of a progenitor.

Flickerlight

Work tonight was .... interesting.

A few nights ago my co-worker came in with some of her friends to buy some alcohol. I warned her that our manager was on the warpath, cause when I'd come into work I'd gotten an earful about how my co-worker had forgotten to stock one or two things (our manager is really anal). I apparently said it wrong, because today my boss tells me (nicely) that next time an employee forgets to do something to not confront him or her but to leave a note for my manager or boss.

I explained that it hadn't been my intention to confront her but to warn her. I was doing the whole "Do unto others" thing that I usually avoid.

So my co-worker comes in tonight with her friends again and I apologize to her for being an asshole, basically. She accepted my apology and said "It would have been different had I been alone."

Now, I would just leave this at that but for the "Different if I were alone" bit.

I didn't say anything to her, but it got me to thinking. If you come in with your friends and your co-worker says something, and you're worried about what your friends are going to think--then what does that say about your friends? I mean, if the words of a white-ass parents-house-living college-drop-out lazy self-centered whore is going to seriously affect your friends' opinions of you, then shouldn't you have better friends?

Really, the only opinion that should matter to you is your own. (And in my case, Travis's. :3)

Off that topic.

Mom went to Vancouver today. Will be back tomorrow. My response to that short a trip is "What's the fucking point?"

Well, of course the point is that she sees her mom/my oma for a bit, which makes Oma happy. She (Oma) is going in for her pre-surgery interview tomorrow, and surgery is on Monday. She'll be in the hospital for 5 days afterwards. I'd say what the surgery was for, but I honestly can't remember. I think it's for her eye, but I could be wrong.

Regardless: she will feel 100 X better afterwards. I know it.

Anyway, mom took Major with her, so I am alone in the house (except the perpetually drunk cat*).

*Kitty has an ear infection right now, and is meandering all over the house like a drunkard.

Speaking of drunkards, tonight I refused to sell beer to an intoxicated customer and he told me to shove it up my fucking ass. (Verbatim.) When I told him that if I sold to him I would lose my job, he said he didn't care about all that. Some people.

Today is Annie's birthday, but I cannot call her because she is in Newfoundland. But she is with her luvher, Deuzma, so 'sall good.

It is amazing how quickly two people can become such close friends.

Today is also Midsummer, but as I was working I did not do anything. Le sigh. One of these days I'll actually celebrate a freaking sabbat.

This whole thing about warning my co-worker has made me realize, abruptly, that I am a fucking gossip.

Slapself.

Drama doesn't follow me it rides on my back...

x Jana

sister i'm not much

:a poet but a criminal:


118am and why am i up? mindlessly blogging, that's why.

all is good on my front, aside from a crazy drug lord ex-tenant and a cat with an inner ear infection. walks like a drunk. (the cat does.)

in the process of codifying my beliefs....if i ever do the DTWC faq will be on my lj (I have more than one, actually--this one is strictly for magickal/witchy stuff).

and have just finished typing up my entry into the 2007 Pagan Fiction Award and Anthology contest...don't think i'll win--it's for short stories really and i'm entering in a few chapters of Bellica, but we'll see.

need to sleep now.

loves.
j

like golden fire

my hair grows down and tangles.

immanence is up and running. yay!

and has a myspace and a facebook.


and i've been up since 3pm yesterday, so it's sleepy byes for jana.


x j

stupid

What's a really good thing to do when you've had no sleep and are already travelling down Emo Lane?

Take a side trip down Memory Street: High School Crescent.

This was a bad, bad idea.

Oh, let's search the ex-love of your life, Jana--good idea! While we're at it, why don't we take a look at his girlfriend too? And remind ourselves just how perfect they are for each other?

I'm so fucking pathetic.

I have a boyfriend, arguably the best boyfriend in the world, and yet I can't be happy because things aren't perfect.

I want to be back in Maui. I want to be back in Maui. I want to be back in Maui.

I'm wasting my life whether I'm here or there. I may as well be there.

holy fucking shit bear

tonight at work was HELL. HELL, I TELL YOU. 300 people came in for their grad dinners and they DINED IN HELL.

and i have nothing else to say.

except i spent the last few hours creating this:




i fucking rock.

lovelove
j

aaahhhh

I have to work tonight and I really don't want to.

:(

sing'n picard

GO. AND LOVE.

So. White. And. Nerdy. ROFL.

There are four lights! There are FIVE lights!

Ok, I started this post with the need to say something coherent about my life, but that soon ended. /sigh.

Anyway, I started a new blog....like I need one more. But I've felt a need to have a place where I can talk about my religion exclusively, and be part of Pagan-ish communities. I haven't let on, but since that internet war that I posted about a while ago I've felt very...blank and closed, I guess would be closest to what I'm feeling. I feel nervous about ever saying anything about what I believe again, for fear of reprisals, and actually not even really sure about my faith. It's affected me on a very deep level (the religion level), more than I care to admit. But since it happened I've found it hard to concentrate on the faith-based activities I should be concentrating on. My last ritual sucked. Really sucked. And it's because this issue is in the back of my mind.

It shouldn't really bother me that much, I suppose, and technically she didn't say anything mean-spirited, at least if you're an objective observer. But the truth is that since telling her in pm that I admired her, her posts to me had been getting steadily more challenging and critical--as if she was testing me, my devotion to my mistress, as I'm sure it translated to her.

After my last post I sent her a pm saying sorry if I came off too heavy-handed. Haven't heard back from her yet. Don't think I will.

And I've come to realize...all that glitters is not gold. In standard form that quote probably would not apply here, but I feel it does. So.

Anyway. I'm trying to heal. But it's hard. So I feel this other blog will help.

over and out
Jagged

no pr0n for Jana

so i ended up searching for my site + the word porn, to see if it would turn up, and didn't find it.

but did find this site and this blog.

go figure.

i still have not finished what should be a 2-page porn story....*rolls eyes* shows how comfortable i am writing about the subject.

in other news, marilyn manson's new album is the shizznick.

over and out
|J|

holy shit i'm writing pr0n

srlsy. my porn name is the marquisa de sade. and please tell me you get the reference.

PORN!
yeah. it's kinda hard for me to do. but i'm doing it because travis is sick and i want to make him feel better by writing LOTS OF PORN about us.

and i wanted to see if an entry with the word PORN so many times would get random comments from spammers.

what a wonderful carciature of intimacy

i don't really have a good reason for being up this late....perhaps, yes, i was at work until 11:45, and yes, mom was watching the departed when i got home so i had to escape so it wouldn't be ruined for me, and highlighting my hair seemed a good option, and then yes, i had stuff to do on the net, but still. i could have gone to bed a little while ago. but i'm sitting here waiting for travis to text me back, so i can call him. i'll call him anyway, we know this. still. my excuses.

i highlighted my hair because i'm tired of this tri-color shaggy dog shit, and somehow looking good is important to me. a powerplay is all it is, really, because when i look good i feel good because i know people are thinking they'd like to fuck me, and the knowledge that i produce that response and am unavailable is a sweet, sadistic pleasure for me.

the masochist in me also produces a need to look good, to slavishly submit to others' desires to see me pretty, even if i would rather really not and just want to stay in my sweats today, thanks.

i wish my life were like the lives of tv people, who sit around in coffee houses and talk and seemingly never have to work but have a ton of money to play around with, and are always witty and looking good, unless it's part of a joke. i wish my dad would pay for my college. i wish there were more hours in the day, though summer here makes it close.

i sing aloud to the black parade but wonder if i'm telling the truth or lies to keep myself silent. who wants to carry on?

why?

do i do these things?

they only waste time.

5:20 omglollerz

I have arbitrarily decided that 5:20, being both a month and an hour after 4:20, shall be
International Have Sex Till We Puke Day.

So, um, Travis...GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE, BUCKO.

It makes sense--at 4:20 we light up, giggle, get totally fucking stoned, and then after an hour rolls around we sort of kind of get around to the sex part, but because we're stoned we do it really slowly and clumsily and sort of throw up afterwards.

So. This HollyDay is OFFICIAL, because the QUEEN HAS SPOKETH.

In other news....

I'm completely and totally behind in my articles for Immanence. So I should get cracking.
I'm kinda over the internet war mentioned before.
I have decided to start a new blog. In fact, I just did: http://keukenheks.blogdrive.com. A cooking blog. No content as of yet, but it's forthcoming. I figure--I love to cook. I love to bake. I love to experiment in the kitchen. I call myself a Kitchen Witch. WHY NOT have a blog about it?

Because I want to have a life?

Anyway.

I'm sure I have a lot more to say, but it's probably all narcissistic and boring, so I'll leave off here. I have work to do at any rate, so I should stop dawdling.

Love you, my bitches
Jagged

more nightmares

I swear, the more I sleep, the more I don't want to.

Anyway...enough with that.

MNS Publishing Ltd. has been approved and reserved for us, so all I need to do now is go to City Hall and register my business, and then Corey and I can actually officially have something to publish Immanence Magazine.

Saw Nausicaa last night. Good movie. Arguably his best and cheesiest.

BREAKFAST TIME!

Laters.
J

the kill...bury me

I got caught in a nightmare cycle while I slept last night. It was horrible. Quite possibly the worst I've ever been in.

I woke up never wanting to sleep again.

And I swear to god, the dream had better fucking be just borne of my own fear and paranoia and be in NO WAY premonitory.

Because if I lose him, I'll kill myself.

Maybe not literally, though there's no telling. Right now I have no idea how I'm even going to survive the next 6 months without him. And I know that if I do lose him, that's it. This is my heart's last chance for redemption. He is only one I will ever love for the rest of my life. I can't get hurt one more time and survive. This is one of those things I just know, regardless how fucking silly it sounds.

Hurt the heart too many times and it eventually just closes up.

And how do I tell him?

How do I find out if he feels for me what I feel for him?

I mean, fuck. I love you doesn't always equal you're the only one for me.

Shit. Looks like another night spent crying.

the ghost of you

so right when i feel like writing and actually pouring my heart onto this cruel digital page for the voyeurs of my internet life to lap up like hungry puppies

my fucking keyboard breaks.

watch my apostrophes, quotation marks, question marks, and back slashes:

è È É é

not even fucking kidding.

april showers

it has been raining here nonstop for a few days now. gray and gloomy. i love rain, but this is ridiculous.

so i was going to send this to travis, but he didn't call me yesterday nor return any of my calls nor answer the phone when i called him, so he doesn't get it. it's done by Arierure on deviantart.

yeah...his nickname for me is Kitty. :rolls eyes: though if he doesn't call me today it's going to change to Hissing Spitting Very Pissed Off Mountain Lion.

hey Voo....i'm coming down to vancouver this weekend. can we hang out? er, could i stay with you?

i'm almost done with classes--one more assignment today, and then i'm good. i bought the software at student price (in case I haven't said what classes i'm taking, they're Illustrator and Dreamweaver), but because it's the new software that's just come out, it cost 835 big ones. holy sheet. and they (apparently) only work on windows, not mac, but i guess we'll find out if they do indeed work on Parallels when I get my mac, whenever that may be. it may not be for a year or so anyway, so i'm going with what i have--ie, a crappy pc.

in the land of money, things are as crappy as ever.

but i am going to california this summer to meet my online friends from witch.net. we'll be going to disneyland and shit and it's going to be so much fun.

and behold! the only assignment in illustrator that i got a 15/15 on the first try.

i know, i know--it's crap. but i'm proud of it.

and this, but it wasn't an assignment, just me fucking around when i should have been working:

look! it's aurora's dress!

if you didn't get that reference, then what are you doing reading my blog, heathen?

i would post recent pictures of moi, etc, but i cannot find the fucking cord for my camera-computer hook up and it's DRIVING ME CRAZY.

i must go, because i'm just procrastinating before going to school.

love!
|J|

remember the 25th

so.

i did not make it to 28. i got tired of playing and just had to quit. of course, it was last night that i discovered i could have gone back on and played till level 28 and then not played anymore, because my acct hasn't been cancelled yet by my acct-manager, ie travis, but i haven't gone back on because of my terribly addictive personality.

powell river is hicksville. but i still love it.

happy one-year anniversary, travis. you have until midnight to call me, at which point if you have not you are in big trouble.

this soup tastes weird.

and i've been meditating (word used loosely) on activism and what it entails. and being a force for change.

what if things must get much much worse before they can even begin to get better?

what if working for that future that we want when the revolution comes doesn't work? what if something else worse gets implemented, but everyone kinda goes along with it because after such chaos they want order? and at that point what if it would just be less selfish to go into hiding, so that when people really are ready for change then the ones who have the knowledge and power to make it happen are still alive?

what i mean is, when those who hate us who are different are in power, there is danger. would it be better, at some point (not right now) to hide, so we'll still be around when our time comes? so our knowledge will continue?

i read this book about a future where women are kept for purely breeding purposes and are called "fems". the rulers of that society are men, and they love one another, and homosexual relationships are the norm. the fems remember the truth about the past but never fight back, because their main concern is survival of the species.

maybe our main concern should be survival of the knowledge needed. survival of those who will lead us out of darkness.

i don't know, i'm just rambling at this point.

so signing off...to eat dinner.

|j|

miss independent

friend of mine on witch.net posted this....

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
_______________________________

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the management denies your
request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH
brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the
management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are
often seen visiting other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be
pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift.
7. You dont always observe necessary safety
regulations, such as wearing the correct protective
clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area
before you have completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been
seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two
suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

I haven't laughed so hard in...a while.

Starting tonight I quit WoW for 6-months. Maybe I can get to 28 before that happens.

and what d&d character I am (apparently)

I Am A: Chaotic Good Elf Druid Ranger

Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.

Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Find out What D&D Character You Are, courtesy of Zinious Software corporation

precious things

created this in my spare time (read: sleep time) last night:



couldn't find any pics of Sorceress or Chief Lycan or General while doing so, nor Princess. so incomplete it shall remain. until i get more pics.

seal hunt is a slaughter. feeling terribly depressed to be canadian.

and not at all surprised at the cruelty of human nature.

so will go to bed with sleeping pills, and hope for no more nightmares.

hah. like that'd ever happen.

|J|

In my humble opinion....

When my mom was in high school up in Canada a school shooting occurred. It was whispered about as an 'isolated incident'. Now mom says she thinks it was early symptoms of a deeper sickness in humanity, most especially the youth.

I have a theory about this sort of thing: the "system", if you will, the ones with power-over in our hierarchal lifestyle, keeps pushing and pushing the already disturbed kids in school. I admit that I was one of those potential school-shooter kids in school. Except I would have focused entirely on administration, not any students. Revise that: not many students. Just a few.

By being cut off from that which spawned us, as we have been since the industrial revolution, and being cut off from each other and the presence in ourselves, as patriarchy teaches us to be (please not that I am not singling out men here--I am singling out patriarchy and hierarchy, which can just as easily be matriarchy and hierarchy--the problem lies in the latter word), we fall into endless despair. We reach out to anything to find what we've lost, but end up finding more nothingness. Some are able to fit in and play along at happiness by never analyzing the gaping void within their souls, but the others, the non-conformists, the freaks, get pushed by their peers, families, and the system for not being 'normal' enough.

I had about 6 nervous breakdowns during high school, all major ones, and the last one had me sobbingly replying "I don't know!" whenever someone asked me my name. I just thank the Goddess that I had Her incarnate in my Mom, otherwise I really would have snapped.

College was much better.

But there is still that underlying authority thing, that thinking of "Teacher knows best, because you are a stupid child, and that is why you are here--to be taught what you do not know".

I think a better solution to this problem (actually, to most problems) would not be to just throw the perpetrators into max-security prison (that is, if they haven't already killed themselves) and consider the problem over, but to actually address the root of this severely antisocial activity.

The root is our culture. We live in a culture of estrangement, of cutting off from what's right or natural. We're taught we have to ask for permission to go to the bathroom, to pee or poop, which are natural bodily functions. We're taught (if we're women) that farting, burping, and sex are done/wanted only by "bad people", and (if we're men) that those same things can be the subject of contests to see who's better in each arena. Tree-huggers and animal rights-activists are the "freaks" in school, and the "normal" kids are the ones who succumb to what's expected of them no matter how far it is off their own course, who develop eating disorders to maintain that 'perfect look', or who take steroids for the same purpose.

We are taught to deny our natural impulses, our natural beings, and our emotions, because they're not "appropriate" to "adult living". "Good" people don't feel anger. "Good" people don't want to kill others. "Good" women are obedient and submissive, and never show their "bitchy" side, and "good" men are aggressive go-getters, who are never allowed to be vulnerable or sensitive, lest they be considered gay. (Oh, what a tragedy that would be.)

As well, "good" people don't care about the environment, but only about furthering their own agendas—getting the most toys and riches, and being the most influential on the block. Only then may you rest, because you've risen to the top. But beware! One slip-up, one tiny thing that reveals you're actually a "bad" person who's been faking it all these years and BAM! You Fall, back to the gutter, back into Hell. Only Angels get good lives.

The truth is, Christendom never went away. It just became secular. Sure, we live in a secular society. Then why does everything close early on Sundays, why is gay marriage an issue when it's not a religious one, why is religious tolerance not the norm, why are abortion workers murdered by Christian fanatics who do then not get prosecuted, why does all our currency say In God We Trust, why are Wiccan or Pagan Veterans not allowed to get a pentacle on their gravestones, why are Easter and Christmas and all those other Christian holidays also civic holidays but not Halloween, why are there still some places where being a non-Christian can get you beaten to death, why is there a stigma to being an unmarried mom, why is prostitution illegal, why are naked bodies "shameful", why must we ask for permission to do what is natural for our mammalian bodies to do, why does the GBLT community have to even ask for rights that should be theirs on account of their being human, why has every single president been a white man, why is there no problem with See You At The Pole on school grounds but any other religious observation during lunchtime would bring about a stake-burning, why must we deny our natural lives—children, birth, death, love, marriage, grief, bodily functions, sweat—in order to "survive" in the "adult world" if this is truly a secular society?

I do not hate Christians. I repeat: I do NOT hate Christians. Some of my best friends are Christians. And they are the best Christians I have ever met. They are the ones who don't parade it about, who don't tell others what to believe, who don't "fight wars for Jesus" and who realize that there are different paths for different people. This is what we should ALL strive to achieve, an attitude to replace the current one.

This attitude of good/bad people and fitting the mold has been carried into Neo-Paganism, which is hardly hierarchical, with the notions of "good witch/bad witch" or "white/black magick". Like there could be a difference between white or black magick--saying there is only promotes racist thought. Magick is magick. A witch is a witch. Good and bad are matters of perspective--if you ask the villian in any story if he or she is evil, he or she will probably say "No. I'm just misunderstood."

School shootings, acts of "terrorism", etc, are just examples of people who are lost and confused in this culture lashing out with all the anger they've been taught to deny their whole lives, lashing out in very unhealthy ways because all they know is that it is unhealthy to feel differently, period, and that there is no healthy way to let it out.

Instead of just punishing people and leaving it at that, of teaching people that the punishment/reward system is all there is and they better be good, for goodness sake, or Santa will beat them with a stick, we need to re-teach people. We need to re-teach ourselves. And we need to foster a different culture, a culture of immanence instead of estrangement, a culture where we see each other and ourselves as part of a huge web, and all emotions as valid, so we can learn how to be healthy, body mind and soul.

Now, if these people were psychopathic personalities, which I personally believe are born without souls, then that's an entirely different issue.

Psychopathic personalities are completely sane and logical, lack any empathy for other beings, and are "never in the wrong". A psychopath can waltz into a school, shoot up a hundred plus people, and waltz back out never feeling that he or she has done anything wrong. He or she may even strike up a perfectly normal conversation with the cops if he or she is taken alive.

By the way: we have several PPs running this country right now.

School shooters kill themselves at the end because they're overcome with grief. Because they know they've done something wrong. Even if they couldn't articulate it, that's the emotion. That emotion thing again—what we're supposed to deny.

If the people running this country felt anything for other human beings, or other beings in general, they would have committed suicide long ago. The United States has now been involved in Iraq for longer than we were in World War II – perhaps the only just war.

What we fail to see is that we've become the new Nazis of the world—big bullies everyone's afraid of.

And they have a right to be: the US spends more money on "defence" (read: nuclear weapons) each year than the rest of the major defence-spenders on the list combined. Canada isn't even on that list.

You may say what you want about "influences" in youth's lives today, about how it's all that Marilyn Manson crap that they listen to, or how you can't understand how anyone could be so violent and cruel. It's easy to understand: look around you. Look at this country that you're living in, in the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, turned into Land of Fear and Home of Death, and look at how it throws its weight around in the rest of the world. Look at its use of power-over to force others to do its bidding, the true definition of violence.

This is a country where I'm not even allowed to say something like this, because I may be "promoting terrorism." That is, if I fear them. That is, if I let them control me.

You can let them make an "example" of the few who stray, and stay safely locked in your pen, never hurt, but never living either.

Or you can fight back, and fuck the lot of them, because we're human, damn it, and we've been fighting for millennia, and you won't take us without a struggle. We will not go down peacefully.

Because if we do, no anthropologist will even care to document our history. We will be a speck in the history of the galaxy. Because we didn't care enough to fight for our good name—so why should anyone care enough to talk about us?

Kurt Vonnegut died recently. His words: "It's too bad. This country could have been something great."

writing or something

i have a gather account now, because i don't have enough things to keep track of. anyway, i figured i'd just publish anything i wrote there, indiscriminately, and if anyone cares enough they can read it there.

www.evlocke.gather.com

and in other news....

boys fucking each other is HAWT.

|J|

stop dying, people who are cool

and could all the psychopaths please drop dead? but not before you put me in your wills?

so kurt vonnegut has died, i hear. this makes me sad. and needing to pick up a copy of his memoirs, which talks about the bs that's going on in america right now. you can read an excerpt published on my other blog here. his memoirs are entitled A Man Without a Country, re: living under Bush.

i have been lax in posting, mostly because mom has been home extra long this past weekend so any computer time i got (which was little) was devoted to WoW, not schoolwork or blogging or anything. on the plus side i am now level 23 and have my poisons, and my bro bought me a bunch of new gear, so now i can beat the crap out of things in style.

though tis usually not my way, i have engaged in comment wars on this YouTube video, which everyone who considers him/herself to be my friend or who claims to understand me at all should watch. no questions, just watch. now.

and i love alanis so much. and especially that she's canadian.

fergie just got owned by a canadian! apparently fergie loved it and sent alanis flowers...you know alanis has pwned you when you thank her for it.

that's about it, i suppose. i'm not really coherent enough to talk intelligently any more, so it will have to wait.

as a note on what i did today and yesterday, as that is what blogs are, glorified voyeurism:

yesterday i played WoW all day. not kidding.

today i planted two trees and a rhubarb plant and then went to school and did no schoolwork. then i came home and played wow.

yesterday i also proceeded to have a conversation with travis which, on my part, i am less than proud of. because i didn't need to come to any realizations, i was happy in my bubble, but because of my own stupid neediness i did. this makes no sense and it's not intended to. let stand that i'm pissed off at myself for going past the point of no return.

until the same bat-time, same bat-channel,
you stay classy, san diego
|j|

kurt vonnegut

Custodians of chaos

In this extract from his forthcoming memoirs, Kurt Vonnegut is horrified by the hypocrisy in contemporary US politics

By Kurt Vonnegut

06/17/06 "Information Clearing House" -- -- "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you." A lot of people think Jesus said that, because it is so much the sort of thing Jesus liked to say. But it was actually said by Confucius, a Chinese philosopher, five hundred years before there was that greatest and most humane of human beings, named Jesus Christ.

The Chinese also gave us, via Marco Polo, pasta and the formula for gunpowder. The Chinese were so dumb they only used gunpowder for fireworks. And everybody was so dumb back then that nobody in either hemisphere even knew that there was another one.

We've sure come a long way since then. Sometimes I wish we hadn't. I hate H-bombs and the Jerry Springer Show

But back to people like Confucius and Jesus and my son the doctor, Mark, each of whom have said in their own way how we could behave more humanely and maybe make the world a less painful place. One of my favourite humans is Eugene Debs, from Terre Haute in my native state of Indiana.

Get a load of this. Eugene Debs, who died back in 1926, when I was not yet four, ran five times as the Socialist party candidate for president, winning 900,000 votes, almost 6 percent of the popular vote, in 1912, if you can imagine such a ballot. He had this to say while campaigning:

"As long as there is a lower class, I am in it.

"As long as there is a criminal element, I am of it.

"As long as there is a soul in prison, I am not free."

Doesn't anything socialistic make you want to throw up? Like great public schools, or health insurance for all?

When you get out of bed each morning, with the roosters crowing, wouldn't you like to say. "As long as there is a lower class, I am in it. As long as there is a criminal element, I am of it. As long as there is a soul in prison, I am not free."

How about Jesus' Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes?

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.

And so on.

Not exactly planks in a Republican platform. Not exactly George W Bush, Dick Cheney, or Donald Rumsfeld stuff.

For some reason, the most vocal Christians among us never mention the Beatitudes. But, often with tears in their eyes, they demand that the Ten Commandments be posted in public buildings. And of course that's Moses, not Jesus. I haven't heard one of them demand that the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, be posted anywhere.

"Blessed are the merciful" in a courtroom? "Blessed are the peacemakers" in the Pentagon? Give me a break!

It so happens that idealism enough for anyone is not made of perfumed pink clouds. It is the law! It is the US Constitution.

But I myself feel that our country, for whose Constitution I fought in a just war, might as well have been invaded by Martians and body snatchers. Sometimes I wish it had been. What has happened instead is that it was taken over by means of the sleaziest, low-comedy, Keystone Cops-style coup d'état imaginable.

I was once asked if I had any ideas for a really scary reality TV show. I have one reality show that would really make your hair stand on end: "C-Students from Yale".

George W Bush has gathered around him upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography, plus not-so-closeted white supremacists, aka Christians, and plus, most frighteningly, psychopathic personalities, or PPs, the medical term for smart, personable people who have no consciences.

To say somebody is a PP is to make a perfectly respectable diagnosis, like saying he or she has appendicitis or athlete's foot. The classic medical text on PPs is The Mask of Sanity by Dr Hervey Cleckley, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the Medical College of Georgia, published in 1941. Read it!

Some people are born deaf, some are born blind or whatever, and this book is about congenitally defective human beings of a sort that is making this whole country and many other parts of the planet go completely haywire nowadays. These were people born without consciences, and suddenly they are taking charge of everything.

PPs are presentable, they know full well the suffering their actions may cause others, but they do not care. They cannot care because they are nuts. They have a screw loose!

And what syndrome better describes so many executives at Enron and WorldCom and on and on, who have enriched themselves while ruining their employees and investors and country and who still feel as pure as the driven snow, no matter what anybody may say to or about them? And they are waging a war that is making billionaires out of millionaires, and trillionaires out of billionaires, and they own television, and they bankroll George Bush, and not because he's against gay marriage.

So many of these heartless PPs now hold big jobs in our federal government, as though they were leaders instead of sick. They have taken charge. They have taken charge of communications and the schools, so we might as well be Poland under occupation.

They might have felt that taking our country into an endless war was simply something decisive to do. What has allowed so many PPs to rise so high in corporations, and now in government, is that they are so decisive. They are going to do something every fuckin' day and they are not afraid. Unlike normal people, they are never filled with doubts, for the simple reason that they don't give a fuck what happens next. Simply can't. Do this! Do that! Mobilise the reserves! Privatise the public schools! Attack Iraq! Cut health care! Tap everybody's telephone! Cut taxes on the rich! Build a trillion-dollar missile shield! Fuck habeas corpus and the Sierra Club and In These Times, and kiss my ass!

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: only nut cases want to be president. This was true even in high school. Only clearly disturbed people ran for class president.

The title of Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 is a parody of the title of Ray Bradbury's great science-fiction novel Fahrenheit 451. Four hundred and fifty-one degrees Fahrenheit is the combustion point, incidentally, of paper, of which books are composed. The hero of Bradbury's novel is a municipal worker whose job is burning books.

While on the subject of burning books, I want to congratulate librarians, not famous for their physical strength, who, all over this country, have staunchly resisted anti-democratic bullies who have tried to remove certain books from their shelves, and destroyed records rather than have to reveal to thought police the names of persons who have checked out those titles.

So the America I loved still exists, if not in the White House, the Supreme Court, the Senate, the House of Representatives, or the media. The America I loved still exists at the front desks of our public libraries.

And still on the subject of books: our daily news sources, newspapers and TV, are now so craven, so unvigilant on behalf of the American people, so uninformative, that only in books do we learn what's really going on.

I will cite an example: House of Bush, House of Saud by Craig Unger, published in early 2004, that humiliating, shameful, blood-soaked year.

In case you haven't noticed, as the result of a shamelessly rigged election in Florida, in which thousands of African-Americans were arbitrarily disenfranchised, we now present ourselves to the rest of the world as proud, grinning, jut-jawed, pitiless war-lovers with appallingly powerful weaponry - who stand unopposed.

In case you haven't noticed, we are now as feared and hated all over the world as Nazis once were.

And with good reason.

In case you haven't noticed, our unelected leaders have dehumanised millions and millions of human beings simply because of their religion and race. We wound 'em and kill 'em and torture 'em and imprison 'em all we want.

Piece of cake.

In case you haven't noticed, we also dehumanised our own soldiers, not because of their religion or race, but because of their low social class.

Send 'em anywhere. Make 'em do anything.

Piece of cake.

The O'Reilly Factor.

So I am a man without a country, except for the librarians and a Chicago paper called In These Times.

Before we attacked Iraq, the majestic New York Times guaranteed there were weapons of mass destruction there.

Albert Einstein and Mark Twain gave up on the human race at the end of their lives, even though Twain hadn't even seen the first world war. War is now a form of TV entertainment, and what made the first world war so particularly entertaining were two American inventions, barbed wire and the machine gun.

Shrapnel was invented by an Englishman of the same name. Don't you wish you could have something named after you?

Like my distinct betters Einstein and Twain, I now give up on people, too. I am a veteran of the second world war and I have to say this is not the first time I have surrendered to a pitiless war machine.

My last words? "Life is no way to treat an animal, not even a mouse."

Napalm came from Harvard. Veritas

Our president is a Christian? So was Adolf Hitler. What can be said to our young people, now that psychopathic personalities, which is to say persons without consciences, without senses of pity or shame, have taken all the money in the treasuries of our government and corporations, and made it all their own?

© 2005 Kurt Vonnegut Extracted from A Man Without a Country: : A Memoir of Life in George W Bush's America.

real emotion

so illustrator drove me up the wall today, like it has done every day since i started taking it. in frustration at the pencil tool and my shaky hand i ended up scrapping actually tracing the chick and gave her my own flourishes.



and that drawing effectively demonstrates how illustrator makes me feel.

shite day all around. nothing happened right or on time. back in agony all day. had nervous breakdown around 10pm. and have failed to get to bed by 12. because i am still waiting for major to return from his self-walk. i'm getting a bit worried.

while i was "doing class work" at school i found some stuff on cthulthu, including but not limited to these:


http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/22728499/?qo=23&q=cthulhu&qh=boost%3Apopular+age_sigma%3A24h+age_scale%3A5

they tickled me in a way that if loretta tickled me that way i'd be like oh, that's nice.

on the plus side--i may very well be going down to vancouver at the end of april/beginning of may. seattle and van. so voo! we shall hang out. and i may need a place to stay....*sheepish look*

oh fuck. enjoy the silence just came on. i must go into a corner and cry now.

things i wish:

• that i were rich
• that i had a job
• that said job was very flexible
• that i was independent, at least semi
• that i could see travis for either our year or 13-month anniversary. but i don't think that's going to happen.
  
• that i had more of this fabulous yarn, so i could finish this blanket.
  

and many others. that's it for now though.

remember kiddies:

Goodbye, Scotty

4 hours, 26 minutes ago

LAS CRUCES, N.M. (AP) - The ashes of James Doohan, the Canadian-born actor who played chief engineer Montgomery "Scotty" Scott on the original "Star Trek" TV series, have been loaded into a rocket that is set to launch in New Mexico later this month.

The remains of Doohan, Mercury astronaut Gordon Cooper and some 200 others were loaded into the rocket Friday by Charles Chafer, chief executive of Celestis, a Texas company that contracts with rocket firms to send cremated remains into space. "And we're ready to go," Chafer said after inserting the silver canister.

Jerry Larson, president of Connecticut-based UP Aerospace Inc., said the rocket will be launched April 28.

Families paid US$495 to have a few grams of their loved one's ashes placed on the rocket.

Chafer said he is aware of the dedication of "Star Trek" fans.

"There's no doubt that we'll find a way to accommodate fans who travel here and want to be part of that experience," he said.

Doohan died in July 2005 at age 85. He was born in Vancouver and raised in Sarnia, Ont.

The remains of "Star Trek" creator Gene Roddenberry were blasted into space in 1997.

Goodbye, Scotty. You will be sorely missed. Live long, and prosper.

this in the news today

Canada's East Coast seal hunt opens quietly in Gulf of St. Lawrence

2 hours, 10 minutes ago

CHARLOTTETOWN (CP) - The East Coast seal hunt quietly opened Monday in the southern Gulf of St. Lawrence, where ice conditions were described as the worst seen in a decade.

Fisheries officials said they expect only a few boats from the Maritime provinces will take part in the first phase of the centuries-old hunt. About 40 boats from Nova Scotia, New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island are eligible, with most of the early hunting focused on the Cape Breton coast, said Fisheries Department spokesman Roger Simon.

"There are a few seals scattered from Sydney towards Canso but they are very sparse and the ice is broken and deteriorated," he said.

"What seals were in that area may be swimming back north and we know a higher proportion drowned this year."

One fisheries observer said only two boats went out Monday.

Newborn seals cannot swim in the first weeks of life and need solid ice to survive.

The total quota for this year's seal hunt is 270,000 animals. That's 65,000 fewer seals than last year, a change that was made mainly because of the ice conditions.

Simon said the largest concentration of Gulf seals is in the more northerly Strait of Belle Isle, between Quebec and Newfoundland and Labrador.

That area of the northern Gulf will be open to hunters beginning Wednesday.

Animal welfare groups are condemning the Canadian government's decision to allow a hunt in the southern Gulf where poor ice conditions have caused unusually high pup mortality.

"I've witnessed the hunt for nine years, and I've never seen ice conditions this bad," said Rebecca Aldworth of the Humane Society of the United States, a leading opponent of the annual slaughter.

"Even Canadian government scientists are estimating up to 100 per cent of the pups born in the southern Gulf died because of the lack of ice. It is reprehensible that the Canadian government would allow sealers to kill the few surviving pups."

Most of the seals will be taken in a subsequent hunt off northern Newfoundland in an area called the Front. An opening date has yet to be announced for the start of that hunt.

Sheryl Fink of the International Fund for Animal Welfare flew over the southern Gulf on Monday and saw only one sealing boat.

"The hunters were shooting seals," Fink said.

"It's so depressing. There are so few seals out there and these hunters are cleaning out what's left."

Aldworth and Fink are angry that Canadian fisheries officials denied observer permits for the first two days of the commercial Gulf hunt.

"The commercial seal hunt occurs in public space and observation is a right guaranteed under the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, not a privilege to be arbitrarily granted by a government department," Aldworth said.

Phil Jenkins said the Fisheries Department is trying to strike a balance.

He said with so few sealing vessels in the southern Gulf and very little sealing activity, the department decided it would not be a good idea to hand out observer permits.

He said the decision to allow or prohibit observers is covered by marine mammal regulations. He said the permits are decided on a case-by-case basis.

Fuck, sometimes I hate being Canadian. Fuck you, Fisheries Department!

Of course, I feel a bit hypocritical for not donating when they asked. But then again, it's not like I had the money to donate in the first place.

So Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has come to Powell River. I'm going to go see it tonight with my friend (can you believe I actually have friends up here? I'm like, WTF, mate?). I wanted to find a purple head band to go a cross my eyes, but... no money. So I'll just have to make do with wearing my TMNT hoodie.

I'm probably going to see it tomorrow night as well. We decided on tonight originally because I have Spoken Word on Tuesdays. Well, I just got a phone call from the place where I host spoken word saying it won't be going on for 3 weeks because they can't get anyone to volunteer shift for Tuesday nights.

This is the kind of resturant-ish place it is. People volunteer shifts.

IE nothing gets done. Nothing important to other people, at any rate.

I must admit I'm a little ticked. No, make that a lot.

First they make it not happen for 2 Tuesdays (tomorrow was supposed to be our first time back in 2 weeks), and now this. I'm thinking we should move locations.

But whatever. It's my mom's thing, not mine, and honestly the fact that it's off frees me up for school work or a social life. Or finishing those library books.

On that note, The Moon is a Harsh Mistress (Heinlein) is really quite good. So is Lady of Avalon, by the late Marion Zimmer Bradley.

My brother was telling me that he wanted to see a book out on Boudicca, the Iceni Queen who led one of the most successful revolts against the Romans. Her daughters were kidnapped, and she killed them with an arrow thru each neck so they wouldn't have to face being raped by Roman soldiers. I also would love to see a book out on Boudicca. She's one of my s/heroes.

There is more I have to say, but it's almost 2pm and I must a) shower b) walk the dog c) go to school d) go to my house and work on stuff. I don't really have enough time, as I said I'd be at my house by 3. Eh. I'll be late. Or something.

Ave atque vale
Jag