12.22.2010

Things I'm Grateful for, 2010: Epic Sororomance

Sororomance: a relationship between two women that parallels the male "bromance". From "soror", sister. 

This year was the year Jvana and I really got close. We got close before, in 2009 -- the Summer of Kicking Ass -- but I didn't really let her in as close as I have now. She has now seen me at my worst -- and I do mean my very very worst -- and she stared at that and didn't flinch. She committed to that moment, and to me.

I have never been so close with anyone. I can share anything with Jvana. I can trust her with anything. She doesn't chip away at my armor like other "friends" do. She helps rebuild it and support it.

And she's smart. So smart. And funny. She makes me laugh so hard. Especially when we're sitting in our theatre final.

I honestly don't know what I'd do if I didn't have Jvana in my life. She makes me strive to be a better person. Because of her, I've made a conscious effort to be more positive in my life -- and it's made a huge change.

She is the Helo to my Starbuck. I'm sure the gods sent her to me.

12.20.2010

The Detangling of Yarn

I just spent half an hour detangling some seriously knotted yarn.

Yarn detangling isn't boring; it's just tedious. It's interesting to note just how tangled your yarn is, and wonder at how you got it to be so tangled - but that interest wanes quickly, and then you detangle your yarn while thinking I don't know how I got myself into this mess but I promise, I will never ever be so stupid again.

And it must be done. Whether you do it today, put it off for months, or chip away at it a little bit at a time, your yarn has to be detangled and stress-free, or you can't really make good knits. Making good knits is key to a happy life, I find. When my yarn is tangled, I am unhappy.

Why do it now, you ask, checking the timestamp on this post. Why not wait until a reasonable hour to detangle your yarn? 

Because, I reply. I need this yarn for a particular project. Without this yarn, I cannot advance, I cannot make this a good knit, I cannot start on other projects until this one is done, so I cannot form good knits with other yarns. This yarn is my focus right now, and I want to finish this project. So I do it now, and do not let myself procrastinate on such an important issue.

No, I don't want to detangle my yarn. Like I said, it's tedious, and sometimes downright upsetting. But I must, to have a happy life. So -- sometimes by myself, sometimes with a little help from my friends -- I sit down and begin to pluck away at the threads, feeling something inside me loosen with each knot I undo.

12.11.2010

Gentle Snores

My boyfriend is sleeping beside me. Well, almost asleep. Tomorrow afternoon (by which I mean, today, but I haven't actually slept yet) I go home, and don't come back until the 22nd.

And I am lying when I title the blog entry "Gentle Snores". They sound like a walrus wielding a chainsaw to cut through bagpipes.

Regardless. I am very happy right now. Within a day of coming here my back stopped hurting. It's twinging a bit right now, but that may be from excessive use of muscles to the point of utter exhaustion, the stretching no longer being a good thing. I sleep well over here. I am relaxed. I feel...comfortable with being who I am. I can sit around upstairs in sweats and a loose t-shirt, ugly socks on my feet, and chat with my boyfriend's mom about whatever, and not feel like I need to stand on ceremony.

She is already like a second mom to me. Not that anyone could ever be my mom, nor would I want that. But. I can totally see her becoming my mom-in-law at some point. And I can see myself being happy about that.

I have never felt this way about a lover or partner before. Yes, I'm in love, but I almost don't want to call it that. I've called my feelings for other people love so many times, when, in retrospect, it really wasn't....not if this is love. So it's like the word has been cheapened. I admit it -- I'm a love-slut. I use the word too liberally.

He does not. I've said I love you countless times. He doesn't like using it, because he feels it gets used too often. We've talked about this (ages ago) and we're both okay with each other's stance -- so long as he doesn't expect me to stop saying it and I don't expect him to say it any time soon, or often, we're good. And this is the first time I've been okay with this. 

Because I just know. I know that he feels that about me, that our feelings for each other are mutual. He doesn't need to verbally express it because he's already expressed it in other ways.

Tonight was the first night I heard him refer to me as his girlfriend to a third person in conversation. It's probably happened before, but tonight was the first time I heard it. It gave me this giddy little thrill: I'm his girlfriend. I can't think of anything that would make me happier right now.

I can't count the ways I love him. There are too many, and I've never been good at math. I just can say that I do, in a way that I've never loved anyone else before -- it's not grander or more romantic or epic or glamorous. It's real and human and honest and stable. And honesty is much better than romance, any day. Because when he does or says something sweet, I know it's honest because he's never dishonest. Which is how I know he loves me.


Yeah, I'm being sappy in this post. Y'all can frackin' deal with seeing the softer side of Starbuck. She may have never said it, but I'm sure this is how she felt for Sam. Cause, damn, if he ain't my Sam.

-K


PS Pretty sure I aced my final. It was super easy; I was stressing over NOTHING.

PPS Couldn't keep my hair blonde. It's red and green and blonde now. XP

12.09.2010

If it's not one thing...

Well, you know how to finish that sentence.

My SAD is better. My sciatica is not. Which makes homework and studying singularly difficult, as I must do it at a desk or in front of a computer, and sitting = most pain ever, at the moment.

Also, I have a final today. From 1 to 4pm. Brrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuhhhhhhhh.

Whatever. Trying to concentrate on the positive. Going to Vancouver tonight to see boyfriend and go to Burlesque XXX-Mas party tomorrow...he's dressing up as Santa. Rawr. Coming back on Saturday; maybe auditioning for local burlesque troupe on Sunday ("Hi I have sciatica and am probably bipolar with next to no dance skills, but fuck I'm sexy and funny and I have over twenty years theatre experience so you should totally have me in your troupe!" is my pitch). Then just one more final, on the 16th.

Also working on getting packed up and out of here...I'm moving into my own place on Jan. 1st. Where, I don't know, except it's going to be in town here. I'm still working on getting a place.

And in that vein of talking, I may be giving up my cat. My current roommates have offered to take her off my hands, and I may take up that offer. She's lovely, and I love her, but she needs a lot of attention. Which...I can't really give. Not now. At least if I give her to them I know she'll be loved and taken care of by good people who like cats. Can't ask for much more than that, and I just really want her to be happy.

So things are moving on, ever forwards, and I'm even getting some work done, though sitting, as I said, is super painful. Life could be a bit better, but it could also be a hell of a lot worse, and the fact that it's not is one hell of a thing to be grateful for.

I'm going to go empty the dishwasher now.

11.28.2010

Back to the real world

The weekend is almost over and my boyfriend is back home and back to work. I now have a working laptop thanks to him, which means I can do my homework anywhere. Life will be easier. Hopefully.

I am working on said homework right now, and cleaning my room and cooking. Might speed up the last two and go over to Everything Nice's place to do homework there -- somehow I concentrate better when I'm not home (hrrrmmmmm).

This week I have a presentation, late papers to turn in, a final, and a business trip down to the States (joy! rapture! don't taze me TSA!). I have realized I'm totally burned out on Theatre and wish to quit, and so I am doing so.* I'm not taking Theatre next semester; instead I'm going to focus on my First Nations studies and finish that degree. Which, of course, means I'm probably putting off my move to Vancouver...again. That's okay, though. Probably a good thing. I don't want to rush it and then get into a bad sitch (specifically, being dependent on boyfriend --- read, how to ruin a relationship).

Overall feeling a bit better than I was a few days ago. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and it's a real struggle to keep myself happy during the winter. Even with the happy pills and the wonderful boyfriend and great best friend and awesome mom. I'm in my head too much.

Anyway. Back to work. I'm starting to enjoy being a publisher.


*The theatre program, that is. I'm done with doing theatre as a schoolwork thing. I do want to get into actually working in theatre, and that's something different.

11.23.2010

4am and I can't sleep

It is really cold here right now. It's snowy and windy and I -- I am freezing. I cannot sleep, I am so cold. I also am dealing with a bought of insomnia. Depending on how long I'm up for, I may try and pull an all-nighter with naps throughout the day. Which sucks, but I do have to be up early to take the cat in to the vet's for her spaying appointment, so I can't afford to sleep in.

I am really hoping school is closed tomorrow. I'm sick, and I do not wish to really leave the house unless it is necessary. Also I want to, I don't know. Write or knit or something. I've been feeling a nudging lately to do more writing, in blogs, or my novel. I just never have ANY FREAKING TIME but whatever, work is good too. I do need to get in 15 hours before the 1st if I wish to make rent.

Of course, getting paid the money I'm owed would be nice too, but I'm not holding my breath. (Someday, I'll never ever have to talk about my financial issues again because I won't have any. This is going to happen. I just have to work hard and be patient.)

Anyway. Want to hear what's awesome? What's awesome is that on Thursday morning I get to pick up my boyfriend from the ferry terminal and he'll be here till Sunday evening (I think). That's what's awesome.

Even if Thanksgiving dinner doesn't happen this weekend (which it may not, finances/time/health being what they are), even if I continue to get bogged down under my SAD (which, hello, acting up again), even if anything else happens that could potentially suck -- my boyfriend will be visiting me this weekend. As he makes me happy in a million different ways, this means my weekend will be awesome.

Also, I found my favorite dairy-free ice cream at a nearby Save-On. Reasons to celebrate, people. You have to keep looking for them and holding on to them, or you'll be so mired in the muck you'll forget what it was to be dry.

11.21.2010

Holy crap!

Awesome boyfriend alert!


Knitted. Skeleton.

Coolest thing I have ever seen. I want the pattern so I can put it on my list of "Things I will someday have the skill to do maybe perhaps". I would so knit myself one of those. I would knit one for my kids and test them on the bones of the body with it. (IDEA: embroider the names of each bone on each of the bones! Or use intarsia.)

That is just. Oh. Oh my. So so awesome.

I am now itching to knit something. Later on today, after I have finished work and homework, I will break out my needles. Yes.

11.19.2010

So. Fucking Knitting, man.

The other day Everything Nice and I went to a thrift store, because they had a box outside with a sign that said "Free Books" and honestly how can you expect me to resist that.

Found one book (a literary journal). Went inside to look at stuff and...oh, man. Best thrift store ever. I got a full basket of stuff and I only paid 20 dollars total -- for niiiiicce stuff. Got some things for my altar that I needed (a silver chalice among them), some very beautiful scarves, a black pleather purse (I needed something for when I go out -- backpack is just not very classy), and -- this is the most exciting part -- circular knitting needles. I got six of them for 75 cents. TOTAL.

Those things run from six to twelve dollars APIECE in your LYS. At this thrift store they're 12.5 cents apiece.

I restricted myself to buying 6, but there were more. I think I'll go back there next week and pick up the rest of them. You can never have enough circular knitting needles.


And related to this post, what I would love love love looooove for SolsticeXmasHanuKwanza (I'm an equal opportunity receiver of gifts) is an interchangeable knitting needle set. Knit Picks has some really lovely ones (my preference is the wood one -- because I'm expensive, natch. Also because I love knitting with wood needles).  There are also the Denise sets and probably a few other brands -- I think there's a Boye but I don't have a link. All have their pros and cons -- bottom line, however, is that a set of interchangeable knitting needles would be so helpful to me and my projects. I wish to start knitting again as things slow down this winter. I have a few projects to finish (this one and this one), but I'd like to start working with circulars more.

ANYway. Not begging, or nothing. JUST SAYIN. So if, you know, you know someone who wants to spend that much on me...AWESOME. :)

11.18.2010

zomg!healthy relationship -- follow-up

No, nothing major has changed. Just thought I'd do this little exercise for fun.

Best friend has been reading Frog or Prince (I think that's the title) and doing the exercises within as part of her self-work on getting away from guys who are bad news for her. I'm very proud of her in this endeavour, and in her blogging endeavour because I think blogging personal stuff to the internet is one of the best ways of processing your own shit, instead of bottling it up. That's why I've been doing it for the past 6 years.

So. From Chapter 5: Frog Boot Camp, is this list of questions.

1. Can I tell him what I really feel-my deepest darkest secrets?
2. Can I forgive him when his actions make me really angry?
3. Are a lot of my needs being met by myself, friends and family?
4. Can I tell my best friend the good the bad and the ugly without her asking "what are you still doing with him?"
5. Can I list his two best and worst traits?
6. Can I accept his permanent frog warts?
7. Does he accept me for who I am?
8. Does he talk to me like my best friend does?
And if you answer yes to all of them -- healthy relationship. Yes to some -- pretty healthy relationship. Etc.

So. My completely honest, unflinching answers.

1. So far, yes. We're only a month in, however, and I haven't wanted to overwhelm him with the crazy. 
2. I have so far. I can't imagine him doing the very few things that will make me actually angry to the point where I make people cry and cower, convinced I'm going to kill them (I actually black out during these times, and I've been told they're really bad -- so don't make me that angry) -- I've only really been slightly irritated with him for a few things.  Again, probably too early to really tell, but so far -- he just doesn't do things that piss me off. And usually if someone is going to, that shows up fairly early. (Hello 2-week long relationships how are you doing.)
3. Yes. Absolutely. I'm not losing myself in him and I'm not going to let myself get lost in him. 
4. Yep.
5. Yes. Best trait: he's honest. Worst trait:  he's unmotivated (which is really just a nice way of saying "lazy"). Not a terribly horrible thing, honestly. Gets irritating though. 
6. Yes.
7. Yes.
8. Not exactly, seeing as different people have different speech patterns, and she and I have a different sort of relationship -- but I think this question is about respect, and yes. He does respect me. 

So, yeah. Looks like we're doing really well. He still has a few trials by fire to go through, and I'm sure I do too. But, you know, I think we're doing pretty good.

11.15.2010

Prelude to War

Oma died at the end of August. That plus school plus being super busy and on the edge of my sanity = no blog posts for a while. I've been unable to think straight enough to form coherent sentences most days, let alone write interesting blog posts.

But things are getting better. After Oma's death I went to a thing called Pirates and Fairies -- a weekend vacation from all my worries. I met someone (I know, I know, I always "meet someone" and it's always like the most life-changing experience ever but this is completely different because shut up) and had an amazing night with him (after giving an offering at Aphrodite's shrine and asking for Her blessing -- She really delivers, just sayin'). He lives in Vancouver, so we agreed to NSA "We'll hang out sometime," whenever I visit, or something.

We've now been officially dating for a month-ish. Not sure of our actual "anniversary" and honestly the actual date doesn't matter -- it was close enough to Thanksgiving (Canadian) that that can be it, which is entirely apropos. I'm very thankful for him because, well, first healthy relationship I've been in. Hello.

This fact made starkly clear against what happened as soon as I got to school: met someone else. A jerk. Used me to get to my best friend and failed miserably, because HELLO LIKE SHE WOULD CHOOSE YOU OVER ME. It sucked because for an entire week I felt absolutely shitty about myself because I wanted to believe he was different -- and then I get home from a weekend away and find out the truth from my bestie: he's been coming on to her, "You're my ideal woman!" blah blah blah. Quite a change from the "No, this isn't about me liking your best friend more" of our break-up.

ANYway. I don't wish to dwell. I simply want to make this point: since I've been dating Fezzik*, I've realized something very important about my past relationships. It wasn't me. It was them.

Of course I'm going to be a horrible girlfriend if you treat me like shit -- my behaviour in a relationship is on a feedback loop from your behaviour. Relationships are things too close, too intimate, for this to NOT happen. It happens with family and it will happen with lovers.

Fezzik makes me feel like I'm special. This has never happened before (trufax). Oh, I've been told I'm special -- but lip service means nothing with no action to back it up. If I don't believe it, it's because I'm not getting the attention I deserve. I deserve to be treated excellently. I deserve epic romance -- by which I mean, of course, not those scripts the sweet-talkers spout, designed to make women swoon, but just plaintalk, straightforward, no bullshit. I deserve honesty and stability. I deserve my Sam Anders, not my Lee Adama (what a horrible match THAT was -- full of passion and fail).

I am now, finally, for the first time in a relationship of any sort, being treated excellently. I am getting straightforward, no bullshit, honest talk and stability -- because that is just how he is. He doesn't sweet talk. He doesn't bullshit. That's what I liked so much about him when we first met; that's why I asked him to bed me. I don't have to second guess what he says or look for hidden meanings. It just is what it is.

So when he says sweet things, I know they're honest. I know he means them. (He does, of course, Yes, dear me a bit -- but as a tease, and never on the important stuff.) And I also know I can trust him to not "let me down easy" (that's such a fucking joke euphemism -- lying to someone makes things harder than just being honest, in the long run), if it comes to that.

I found an honest man -- one who is as attracted and into me as I am to him. One I can talk to. One I don't lose myself in. One who doesn't put me down or make me feel like shit for being me. One who makes me feel smart and sexy not by a silver tongue but by honest eyes. One I am so incredibly lucky to be with, I can't begin to tell you.

And --- the sex is godsdamned incredible.

_________________________________________________
*Names changed to protect the innocent um, slightly-less-guilty-than-some.

7.23.2010

I had all these witty things to say...

...and then I banged my knee uber-hard on the desk and all thought was pushed out of my brain to make way for a singular, large-lettered, sparkley FUCK.

Yes, sparkley. It glittered like a vampire.

In the interest of getting me to a painkiller and then bed as fast as possible, I will do a quick update, in point form:


  • Still miss Major terribly, but I have a kitten now named Charli Dickens, because she is a little dickens. She's lovely, and I wish I'd had her earlier, because Major would have loved her. 
  • Knitting? WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT.
  • In Vancouver to see Oma, who is in the hospital. She has preleukemia, and yes, she really is dying this time. Has been for a long time now, actually, but we're likely to see the end before the end of this year. Very likely. No official prognosis as of yet, but the unofficial off the books one is "a few months, maybe". Whatever happens, I just want her to be pain-free.
  • I have a place for next school year already, and I'm getting a new old car. 
  • Been wearing the same pants and skirt and top for a week now. Want to go home to Powell River. 
  • Very upset over Canada's actions re: the G20. I shouldn't have to rehash; either you've been paying attention or you haven't. If you haven't, check out the Vancouver and Toronto Media Co-ops for an idea of what went down. (Like the arrest of 1000 innocent people, maybe, I don't know.) 
  • Have been working like a dog on various projects that I will go into detail on in a later post, but right now...
I sleep.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

5.27.2010

200th post: In memoriam of Major

On May 16th, my furry companion Major died. He was 11. We'd only had him for 4 years, but those were the best four years of our lives.



Yesterday I wrote a poem for him. I can't think of a better way to do my 200th post.




I held you as you died,
as best I could – your large body crammed onto the landing where you'd fallen
underneath mom's altar to Kwan Yin.

Small comfort to me, that She held you too.

My arms wrapped around your furry form
and I whispered sweet nothings into your alert ears
while you panted shallowly.
Denials fell heavily from my lips
and passed beyond you, through the floor
where the hungry earth ate them up.
I knew it was the end.
You did too, and you looked at me as if to say
It's okay. I forgive you.

I cried and stroked your velvet paws,
telling you I'd be there when you woke up.
It was just a little sleep.
Your spirit left then – I swear I could feel it – but still I held you
as your body went through the process of dying,
as your mouth opened convulsively
gasping in air you no longer needed.
As your stomach bloated with gases
and I knew the bacteria in your intestines already began
to putrefy you,
the King of Wolves
the Prince of my Heart
the most beautiful person I'd ever seen.

You stiffened with your legs out, awkward angles marring your perfect stillness,
because in our haze of grief we'd forgotten to move you into a more dignified position
too caught up with sobbing as if we'd never breathe normally again.

Only then could we carry you the rest of the way downstairs
to lie on your pillow one last time –
while I, your human mom, dug your grave in the backyard –
where flies landed on your eyes, still open.

I flung myself to the ground and cried over your body.
I sprayed air freshener when the gases escaped your stomach;
for all my love I'm human and could not weather that.
I shooed the flies away.
I priestessed as we bid you farewell, telling you It's okay. You can go now. I won't hold you back.

Still I feel inadequate, unworthy of your infinite love.

Rotten, dead for ten days now
I imagine your face covered in maggots
and still I see you as more beautiful
than anything else in my empty life.

I kiss the rocks at your grave.
I know you can't feel it
and they're covered in dirt, hard and cold against my mouth.
But I imagine your soft fur under my lips
warm
attached to a body that's still full of life.  

5.19.2010

Take from the rich to give to the poor: the Robin Hood Tax and its implications for Canada and the world at large


So, here in Canada we're lobbying for something called The Robin Hood Tax to be put into place1. The basic idea of the tax is this: every day banks and financial institutions have tons of transactions, right? Well, what if we put a small tax -- only .05% -- on each transaction, payable by the institution? Economists estimate that this will earn around 650 billion dollars per year that can be then put towards things like ending poverty and climate change (both here and abroad), making sure banks pay their fair share of the economic recovery, and help to curb the recession.
Banks are obscenely wealthy, and they make that wealth by charging people like you and me. The Robin Hood Tax forces them to give something back, so that people can get some food in their bellies and a roof over their homes -- in environmentally friendly ways. Awesome deal, right?
Well. The current Canadian government doesn't seem to think so, which, honestly, isn't surprising. They are adamantly against implementing this global bank tax, because, well, they're a bunch of rich folks.
Let's get real here, people. When your elected officials come from rich backgrounds, you get a system that continually reinforces the idea that poor people are criminal, and that rich people are the ones who must be protected at all costs. It's called privilege, and our EOs have it in spades (most of them white, cisgendered, heterosexual, rich men). Stephen Harper and his cronies have no idea what it's like to be your everyday Canadian, trying to pull in a living though the system is stacked against you because you weren't rich to begin with (how dare you).
It is because they have no idea what it's like that I take it upon myself, as an active, informed, citizen, to try and let them know how important this tax would be to Canadians -- not only to help us out, but to help us not be embarrassed on the global stage yet again.
So. I sent an email to our Prime Minister Harper and our Finance Minister Flaherty. This is what I said:
I am writing to urge you to support a tiny fee that can make a world of difference.
Economists estimate that a 0.05 per cent tax on speculative banking transactions – such as bonds, derivatives, currencies and hedge fund trading – could raise more than $650 billion each year. To protect consumers, this tax would be limited to transactions between banks and other financial institutions.
This money could be used to support much needed public services and to fight poverty at home and around the world. It is important Canada honour its commitment to the Millennium Development Goals, commitments made at previous G8 and G20 summits and help countries adapt to climate change.
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President Nicolas Sarkozy have all stated their support for the Financial Transaction Tax, as have many renowned economists and financial experts.
As the co-chair of the upcoming G20 Summit, Canada can help to ensure world leaders take steps towards adoption of the Financial Transaction Tax.
I have copied my Member of Parliament on this email. As a constituent, I urge them also to support this policy.
I have no idea if it was read by the ones who were supposed to get it or not. And for the record, this is the suggested email at the Robin Hood Tax site that they let you send out; I sent it because, well, it said all I wanted to say.
I received a response from John Weston, MP for West Vancouver -- Sunshine Coast -- Sea to Sky Country. He's a successful West Vancouver lawyer -- that says it all.2
Thank you for your letter regarding the proposal for a financial transactions tax. Our country in no way contributed to the Global Recession, and throughout the crisis, our banks have maintained healthy leverage ratios and largely avoided exposure to toxic assets.
No major Canadian financial institutions failed and none required bailouts from our Government, unlike the situation that was present in the US and several European countries. The strong performance of our banking sector showcased the effectiveness of Canada’s regulatory approach. As we host and chair the G-20 this year, we will encourage the adoption of similar regulatory processes globally.
The strong performance of our banking sector showcased the effectiveness of Canada’s regulatory approach. Our government is committed to reducing taxes, not to imposing a global tax on daily financial services. Modest and responsible regulation is the answer, not additional taxation.
Thank you for taking the time to write.
Ugh. This just pisses me off royally, especially as the BC Liberals are trying to get the HST implemented (that will hopefully fall apart; we've got people all over the province signing the petition against it) -- so, taxation is fine if it's against the citizenry, but not against banks who are so bloated and rich off our hardworking money they are inert, sitting in their greed like fat ticks feeding off the populace?
I wrote him back, a bit politer.
Dear Mr. Weston,
I urge you to step outside West Vancouver from time to time and see how the rest of your constituents live -- the ones who aren't already rich, who have to live on a minimum wage that is so low it should be criminal, who get no funding because they dare to live unconventional lifestyles, or work in the arts.
Not to mention students who are starving because there are no jobs, and even less funding.
Even though Canada may not have contributed directly to the recession, we as a country have made ourselves so dependent on the US economy that their recession hits us just as hard. Not only that, as our major trading partner sinks further into recession, it's going to get worse.
Canada is not an island. You think things may be fine now, but we are part of the global community. What happens in other countries affects us too.
Banks make obscene profits while your people are suffering. What is the downside in taxing the rich to give to the poor?
It's called the Robin Hood Tax for that very reason. You know that old story, of course -- everyone does. Who would you like to be remembered as? The people's hero, or the Sheriff of Nottingham?
Today was declared a national day of action for the tax:  24 hours for the tax.

I have done as much as possible today to let the world know how important it is that the RHT gets pushed through -- I even called the office of the prime minister.3
Hello, Mr. Prime Minister. I'm calling to urge you to reconsider your stance on the Robin Hood Tax and to work towards implementing it. Though Canada has not contributed directly to the recession plaguing the states, we still have made ourselves so dependent on our neighbor country that their economic crises hit us just as hard. Now more than ever Canada needs to be a leader and a friend to our allies, and you need to be a hero to your people. The Robin Hood Tax will make that difference, especially for those in this country who lack the financial means to feed or clothe themselves. How do you want to be remembered? As Robin Hood, or the Sheriff of Nottingham?
Some repeats of my letter to Mr. Weston, but I think they're sentiments that bear repeating.
Anyway, this is only the beginning. It's so important that Canadian citizens take a stand -- while we do nothing, our government works to embarrass us in front of the rest of the world time and time again. There's this false idea here that Canadian politics aren't that interesting, or important -- who cares? We've got free health care!
Well, free health care isn't enough. We also need a health care system that works (did you know birth control isn't covered? Neither is dental. And if you're lucky enough to have a doctor, your appointments are super-short, because there's so much demand and not enough supply), and a system put into place to end poverty before it begins. People in Canada are starving. They have to choose between electricity or rent, or rent or food. Just like people in the United States have to choose between meds or food.
I for one am tired of being poor and being unable to fix it (no jobs + no funding for the arts + student loans + career choices all underfunded and suffering budget cuts = I will die before I'm 30). This tax? Will fix things -- not only for me, but for people who are worse off than I am.
Take a stand. Not only for yourself, but for your fellow Canadian.
-Katje van Loon
writer and activist

1. This isn't a Canadian idea. It's a global idea that Canada's government has rejected, which doesn't sit too well with some of us.
2. To my American or non-BC or other friends who may not get this, West Vancouver is the richest area of town, and Vancouver's cost of living is record high right now. Generally speaking, if you live in West Van, you're loaded, and you're not a member of the lower-class. You're probably not even a member of the middle-class.
3. Sweet Horus that was scary.

5.12.2010

Rejoice!

I have found back my current knitting projects in my suitcase, so once I get my room cleaned up I can actually knit a bit more!

This is good, because I was going stir crazy.

4.28.2010

Ten Speed

I'm in the middle of moving right now. Most things are packed and we're getting the moving van tomorrow. I'm currently in the process of cleaning the house and getting rid of a bunch of stuff because it won't fit in the moving van. 

No, I'm not at the point where I could star on Hoarders, but I do have a pack-rat problem.

Anyway, I was upstairs cleaning and I...fell. And broke something. Unfortunately it wasn't my leg, which would mean I could just overdose on morphine and kill myself. I'm in incredible pain right now and am seriously considering just setting the whole fucking place on fire.*

So. On to Cute Overload! So I can look at goggies and feel better!

-Katje


*This is sarcasm. I am not seriously considering setting the place on fire. I am just frustrated and in pain. 

4.23.2010

Don't let it bother you.

There is something that's been bugging me for a while, and I feel it's time to talk about it on my blog, as it and similar issues have been referenced recently in the feminist blogosphere.

I'm a victim/survivor of abuse. I say both, because I have been victimised, and I have survived said victimisation. I don't wish to go into details about it, but it was mainly emotional and verbal. I'm still working through a lot of it, but some of it is ongoing, and that's more difficult to overcome.

So, I have triggers. We all have triggers. Some should be obvious to most people (ie, a scene in a movie or play that involves a rape is likely to be a huge fucking trigger for many people), and others are going to be a bit more obscure (closing down discussion threads in a forum, frex).

I can have any number of reactions when triggered. These reactions vary from having a hyperventilating panic attack, curling up into a little ball and crying, playing video games or engaging in some other escapist activity designed to numb me, yelling at and hurting someone I care about, drinking myself into a coma, or any other activity based in acute anxiety.

When dealing with these reactions, either to triggers or continued abuse, what I need most is support. I get it, a lot, from most of the people who have to deal with me when this happens. What I also get is a phrase that really bothers me.

Don't let it bother you.

I understand this is meant to come off as trying to help me through, to help me 'cope', but usually it comes from someone who hasn't gone through abuse and couldn't possibly understand what I'm going through. While the intent behind may be good, intent is not magic.

Telling me to not let the abusive behavior get to me is putting the onus on the victim to not get upset when shit is being flung at her, when it's really the burden of the abuser to stop abusing. Revolutionary idea, I know.

Not only that, but it invalidates my experience and my emotions as a survivor of abuse. Don't let it get to you! Grow a thicker-skin! You're so fucking weak!

Basically, they all say the same thing, and when you say "Don't let it get to you," all I hear is "Why the fuck can't you be stronger, you weak bitch?" Which triggers me.

It's not that simple. It never will be. And by saying it constantly, you're adding to the cycle of abused and abuser. As the latter.

So. You want to be an ally to abuse survivors and help to end the cycle? Respect their own agency to deal with it in their own time. Offer the support of a shoulder to cry on, and repeated affirmations of their worth as human beings. Instead of talking, listen. Don't try to 'fix it' with phrases of 'support' like "Don't let it get to you" -- you cannot 'fix it', and those five words make it known that we cannot trust you with our experience, as you  have adopted the guise of the abuser.

I know you want to fix things. But you can't. You can just make sure it doesn't get broke more.

Karma Slave

So a few days ago I finished my version of Zeeby's Bag, which is a pattern from Stitch'n'Bitch. I say 'my version' because I used different colors and put the inside pocket on the outside; otherwise I followed the pattern exactly.



I'm fairly satisfied with it. Next time I'm going to use a sturdier yarn; the one I used causes too much slouch and stretch, so the bag is really only suitable for knitting projects and not, say, my sketch or notebooks.

here you can really see the slouch.

Anyway, it was a big project, and I finished it, so I'm proud of that. Now I'm working on the Patchwork Baby Blanket for Fal. It's my own pattern. We'll see how that goes. 

There will be a rather large hiatus in my knitting and crocheting life, unfortunately -- as I mentioned, I am in the process of moving up to Powell River right now. Between the move and the time my house up there is ready (read: built) and organized, I will not have time to knit or crochet -- and all my yarn and stuff will be in boxes. 

Le sigh. Ah, well, it will prompt me to build the bungalow and get unpacked and cleaned up as fast as possible, so I can start knitting again! 

4.18.2010

I need you now

JV introduced me to Lady Antebellum and India.Arie today. New music loves. 

Well, I talked about EAT in my last post; I won't be going, because money is so tight. I'd really like to have a life where I can do the things that are important to me and not wonder where my next meal is coming from. I don't want to be rich. I just don't want to be so mind-numbingly poor. (I didn't go to Spring Mysteries, for the same reason and more -- difficult to explain here, so I'll save it for later, and Innocence and Immanence).

I've been sick for a while, and depressed off and on. This is standard for me. I just need it to be summer already. 

Regarding summer: moving back up to Powell River, and mom is planning on getting a bungalow built in the backyard for me, so I can have my own space. I already have a job lined up as a barista at a local new cafe. I shall wear my Questionable Content shirts and become a real-life Faye. (Though not really, cause I have to not drive away customers.)

In September, after labour day weekend, I'm going to move down to San Francisco. For school -- going to apply for a transfer to SF State for their theatre program -- but also because I just feel I have to. Intuition and tarot cards are all telling me to do it. 

Anyway, I'm off to design the bungalow using Google SketchUp, and perhaps do my homework. Or sleep, as it's 3 am. 

2.18.2010

Gentle Execution

First off, if you haven't gone and signed the petition to stop the anti-gay bill in Uganda that would make homosexuality punishable by prison or even death, go and do it right now. It takes fewer than five seconds, and proves your worth as a human being.

Guilt trip out of the way, I've got a lot on my mind lately, not least of which is my money trouble. My own fault, really, but that doesn't really matter now -- what matters is not getting kicked out of school and evicted. =/ Going to do a money spell tonight. And maybe again tomorrow. Looking for jobs, too, and trying like hells to sell my car.

Gods be praised, next week is Reading Week -- that means no school. Well, no class -- I still have to go and get crew hours or I fail Stagecraft BUT I DIGRESS. The week off gives me a chance to a) clean my house, b) read the books I have out from the library, c) write????, d) organize my shit. Etc, etc, etc. Maybe even watch some Battlestar Galactica with Nathan.

I'm probably not going to Spring Mysteries Festival, because money is so tight. However, there is still a chance to go to the Earth Activism Training from July 3 to 17th. I would be applying for the workstudy program, which would halve the cost of it but require me to show up early and leave late. That's ok.

The EAT program is incredibly important for me to go to -- it is taught by Starhawk, who is one of my modern-day heroes, and it's a permaculture design certificate course. It's important on a spiritual level that I'm having trouble articulating, but when I do I'll probably post a lengthy post on my [new] Pagan blog, Innocence and Immanence.

Anyway. Life is life. I live it.
-Katje
special destiny still not realized

2.08.2010

Prelude to War

Songs of the Gods

I'm trying to be on top of my music collection right now -- by which I mean actually getting around to listening to some of the stuff on there, and deciding what stays, what goes, and what goes where when it stays. In this process I am also discovering songs that remind me of my deities.

Currently the two main deities I have contact with/worship are Morrigan and Brighid. Brighid is very new; Morrigan has been around for....well, ever, according to Her, but I've only known about it for a few years. Brighid appeared shortly after I first "met" Morrigan, and I freaked out a little bit. Along the lines of "OMG TWO STRONG LADIES CANNOT HANDLE." She understood and left for a while, but now She's back, and it's clear it's time for me to acknowledge Her.

I've joined the Cill at The Cauldron, and now have shifts to keep Her flame. Tonight is my first official shift, though I kept the flame at Imbolc as well. It's become apparent to me through my...conversations*...with Her and Morrigan that this is a fostering type relationship, at least at this point in time. Morrigan is my main affair when it comes to divinity -- that will never change. But right now She's sort of...handed me over, I guess, to Brighid, so I can learn some things that She can't or doesn't want to teach me. Or that I won't take from Her. Parenting is a funny thing; while Morrigan is and is not my mother, our relationship is sometimes similar to a mother-daughter one.

Fostering was common in Celtic culture, so this sort of relationship makes sense. Brighid feels like...well, more like a mother type figure than Morrigan. Also like a sister. An older female relative who watches out for me, and keeps me in line. Two of them.

I have not known Brighid for long, but I have fallen in love with Her almost immediately. It is so pure and true I couldn't imagine life without Her. I also couldn't imagine life without Morrigan, Who I think I loved before I knew Her.

So, in my continuing search to feel closer to my Ladies, I am compiling lists of music that I feel suits Them. The lists are short, because my computer can't handle all my music files, but they'll get larger.

2.07.2010

Something Dark is Coming

Have made large updates to this blog, in template, title, and even url. Please change your bookmarks accordingly; it is not maitressekatje.blogspot.com but http://katjeknitwitch.blogspot.com/. Because I am a knitwit[ch]. Totally.

The title and sub-title are references to Battlestar Galactica (the new one).  If you haven't watched it, you should.

I'm going to be updating here more frequently, I hope, and talking a lot about my knitting, crochet, and other crafty projects. For now my public posts about my religion (witchcraft, if you haven't been paying attention) will go here too, until I feel it's time to make a separate blog about that.

Still going by the title of the song I'm currently listening to as the blog post entry. This particular one is from Battlestar Galactica OST S.2.

Regarding knitting: my Raverly profile. Soon I'll have pictures up of my projects. Whenever I get AA batts for my camera.

Peace out, kittens.
-Katje

2.05.2010

As Is

If anyone still reads this blog I should think I come off like a schizophrenic ferret addicted to crack.

And I am one of those things, marginally, so I suppose it's a fair comparison. (Schizotypal, for those wondering. Like Schizophrenia Lite. Not as crazy -- better for you!)

I should give a brief rundown of my life.

  • Regarding the post I made way back when about my Oma, and her dying...she's still alive, but she's been doing a rollercoaster of health for a long time now. We just don't know anymore. Was fairly sure back when I made that post that she was at death's door. She's slightly better now. But it's touch and go.
  • I'm still in Nanaimo, and have changed my plans for school like a MILLION times. Currently planning on staying here for a BA with a Major in English and a Minor in Theatre. Still living in the less-ghetto place, but having some issues. Currently looking into a three bedroom detached house down town.
  • Not terribly depressed anymore, but I have very strange mood swings. Two days ago I was deliriously happy, and now I'm weepy all the time. Go figure.
  • In a relationship. Long and complicated story that I don't really want made public, but I'll just say he's very, very good for me, and has helped me get over some of the residual heartache from the last two romantic disasters in my life.
  • Learned to knit. Love it.
  • Came down with mononucleosis last semester and it's still affecting me, but I work through it as best I can.

Those are the highlights -- er, main points of my life in the past six months. I'm going to try and update this blog more frequently. Probably try to copypaste from my Dreamwidth blog whenever I make a public post.

Also you all should go read my friend's blog about his experiences in Europe, because it's pretty awesome.

-Katje